He had returned from abroad for the Christmas holiday when we met. He insisted on getting my number even when I was doing everything to avoid him. After the programme, he said he would go and drop me off. I said I could go by myself. He asked respectfully and was patient even when I kept saying no. I allowed him to take me home, and from there, I realised my mistake.
He had gotten to know my house, so even when I didn’t pick up his calls, he came around, parked in front of the house, and waited until I agreed to see him. I wasn’t playing hard to get. I knew these men who returned from abroad. They don’t really like you, but they push you to fall in love with them, and then they leave you in the lurch just when you’ve fallen deeply for them. I wanted to avoid that.
He told me he was a different kind of man, so we became friends. We talked often, and he sometimes came to my office after work, picked me up, and took me home. Those gestures made me feel he was serious about me. So when he proposed, I said he should give me some time to know him better.
READ ALSO: I Pay My Sister’s School Fees, but All She Wants Is to Become an Influencer
He said he had two children. One was five years old, and the elder was seven. Their mother’s parents didn’t allow him to marry her. He thought getting her pregnant would make things easier. He thought travelling abroad would make her parents soften their resolve, but none of that helped, so eventually, they had to break up.
When they broke up, the woman dumped the kids on him and ran away. He had no option but to take his kids to his mother.
The last day he spent in Ghana, he took me to see his mother, and then I met the kids. Very adorable pair. He told his mom I was the one he was going to marry even when I hadn’t agreed to his proposal. His mom asked, “Have you asked her parents if they would allow you to marry their daughter?”
That question confirmed the fact that, indeed, everything he had told me was true. I laughed at his mother’s question and answered, “My parents are not a problem. They allow me to make my own decisions.”
When he travelled abroad, I told him I would only say yes if he had plans to marry me and would put those plans before me so I knew what I was getting myself into. He screamed on the phone, “Yes! Yes! Should I say it again? Yes! I’m going to marry you the next time I come to Ghana.”
So I said yes to his proposal. He came to Ghana a year later, again to celebrate Christmas. He said his work gave him only two weeks off, and two weeks were not enough to do anything substantial, so we should do the knocking rites.
We did, and it was only after the knocking rites that I allowed sex. We had a lot of fun in those few days he spent here in Ghana, and when he was leaving, he gave me a huge chunk of money to give to my parents and also keep the rest for myself.
When he returned, we kept talking. There was no single day that we didn’t have fun on the phone. This time, it took him two years to return. When he came, we did the traditional marriage and again postponed the white wedding to his next return because his mother was very sick and weak. The woman I had met barely two years earlier could hardly walk or even sit. She’d grown very lean, and my husband was very scared that on his next visit, he wouldn’t come to meet his mom.
So before he left, we agreed that the mother’s condition wouldn’t allow her to give much attention to his kids, so the kids should come and live with me. So that day, we travelled back to my place with the kids. Two weeks later, he travelled back abroad.
We talked every day. He always called to check if the kids were being well taken care of and if the relationship was good. He sent money for everything they needed and also sent me money. He would ship beautiful things to us, and whenever he did, he didn’t forget to include my parents.
He’s been gone for four years now, and he hasn’t returned. He used to come every year. The longest he stayed away was two years. Now, it’s been four years, going on five, and all I get are excuses. Last year, he told me that if he couldn’t come this year, he would work things out to ensure the kids and I travelled to be with him. That also didn’t happen.
His mother is doing very well. I go to her place to visit her at least once a month. She sits, she walks, and she runs. When she sees me, she’s so hyper. I told her my worries. The fact that it’s becoming hard for my husband to return. She also calms me and says, “You know the rules there. He can’t just get up and come. Be patient. He will do whatever he says he will do.”
I’m also entering my late thirties. That’s one of my problems. I need to have kids while I’m still this young so I can raise and play with them while I still have the strength. When he keeps postponing his coming and keeps giving me excuses, my mind wonders, “What if he married me just so his kids would have a place to stay?”
What if it’s not marriage he’s looking for but a long-term babysitter? I haven’t discussed this fear with him because I know the default answer: “Oh, it’s not like that. You’re taking things too far.”
But every day, every excuse, every reason not to return makes me feel like that’s the answer. He found convenience for his kids, and the rest doesn’t matter.
What Caused The Breakup Between You And Your Ex?
I’ve given myself a year. If he doesn’t make any positive move, I will send the kids back to his mother and also tell him I want a divorce because this kind of distance and length of absence weren’t what I signed up for when I agreed to marry him.
Friends say I should be patient and instead discuss my fears with him. I have done that in many ways, but nothing changes. They say as far as he sends money for my upkeep and that of the kids, I should rest assured that he has good intentions. But are good intentions all that matter in this kind of situation?
I want more. I want presence. I want him to be responsible for us. I want him to appreciate my fears and hasten up. I want him to come at the intervals he used to when it started. I want a husband who feels like my husband.
Is that too much to ask?
—Hannah
This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too. Email it to us at [email protected]. You can also drop your number and we will call you so you tell us your story.
******
