We dated for four years before I asked about marriage. I was scared. I didn’t want him to think I was desperate. I also didn’t want to hear an answer that would break my heart, so I waited for the perfect time. It was on his thirty-fifth birthday, when he was talking about how we met and how far we’d come. I asked him calmly, “So when are we going to take the next step? Do you know we haven’t talked about that for a very long time?”

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His answer came almost immediately. “We are getting old. It’s about time we thought about marriage and saw how to achieve it.”

I was very happy that he agreed with me. All night, I thought about how I wanted my wedding—very small and intimate. I thought of the friends I was going to invite and how beautiful I was going to be on my day. We talked about it the very next day and for days without end, our wedding came to the fore of every serious discussion we had.

I wasn’t working when we started dating. I had come from school looking lost in the realities of life when he proposed to me. He was then teaching in a private school around the area, something he was doing to while away time while he waited for a better opportunity. Both of us had nothing but love. We dated for over a year before he had a job he could truly call a job.

The very next year, he had a job, and I was also employed at the place I’m currently working. We have been saving. He had even saved enough to buy his first car. I could have bought a car too, but my mind was not on cars. I wanted to settle in a home first before I could think about all these things.

After months of talking about our wedding and fixing imaginary dates, we set off working seriously towards it. In our plans, we were going to marry the following year. We would rent a place for the two of us so we could move in together right after the marriage.

One day, his family came to do the knocking rite and got the dowry list. The next day, he called to tell me my father was asking for too much, so I should talk to him to reduce the things on the list. I had seen the list. I had planned it with my dad, and both of us had agreed it was the barest you could ask from a man ready to marry you.

So when he called asking for further reduction, I asked what he thought should be taken out of the list. He said my father listed ten cloths for me, and they were too much, so I should reduce it. I said, “Fine, what next?” He mentioned the money for the in-laws. “That’s also too much.” He went on and on, touching on everything.

I didn’t tell my father but decided I would support him to get the things he wanted off the list. I told him to go ahead and get what he could because my dad is a very understanding person. Just a few days later, he called to ask me how much I was contributing to the wedding.

I asked why he was asking me that question, and he said, “So the two of us are getting married and you want me to foot all the bills? Won’t you add anything to support? After all, you’re going to be my support in the marriage, aren’t you?”

I didn’t like the tone of the conversation, but I remained calm. At first, it was about bringing down the items on the dowry list, and then it turned to how much I was going to contribute. I asked myself, “Is this guy ready to marry me, or am I the one forcing him to marry me?”

Later, when we met and discussed the cost of the wedding, he told me to take care of every cost concerning me while he handled the rest of the costs in between. I didn’t say much. I agreed until we found a house we wanted to rent, and he told me to support with 45% of the rent so he would pay the rest. Right there, I told him, “I can’t do that.” He asked why, and I answered, “I don’t have the money to do that. Plus, you’re the man. That’s what men do.”

This guy got angry that I had asked him to do what men do. He talked and talked and talked until I told him, “It’s not by force for us to marry. If you think you’re not ready, you can wait. I will also wait. There’s no need to rush.”

He said, “I am ready, but are you also ready to be my wife? You mean you’ll be a wife who doesn’t support her husband?” I told him politely that I wasn’t going to push him to marry me. He should get a place where we would move to after the marriage, then we would resume the conversation. He agreed, thinking he was going to keep quiet on the wedding for me to push it.

For the past two months, we haven’t talked about anything. Meanwhile, our target was to marry in May. These two months have brought a lot of clarity to my mind, and I’ve had the chance to ask the hard questions. Yes, we’ve dated for four years, and largely he has been a good boyfriend, but would he be a good husband, looking at everything that’s happening?

The answer that came to mind immediately was no. Because of that, I’ve decided not to go ahead with the marriage, even if he comes tomorrow and tells me he’s ready, so let’s get married. I don’t want to be asked in the near future if I didn’t see the signs while we were dating. These are all the signs I need to see to know what the future would be like. I don’t have any problem supporting my husband, but it’s the way he demands it. It’s the way you don’t see it coming and he springs it on you. I can’t keep up.

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But before I bring my parents in and finally inform them that I’m not going ahead with the marriage, I want to ask you, my friends here, if I’m making the right choice judging from how the story started and how it’s ending. Would you make the same decision if you were in my shoes?

—Abena

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