My wife was living with her younger sister when we started dating. She told me she was living with her because of school. Her younger sister was in SHS. Whenever I went there, I took gifts for her. When we started dating, I also started helping her take care of her younger sister.

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I helped pay her school fees. I bought books for her and even paid for her extra classes. We dated for two years before we got married. When we got married and moved in together, her younger sister came along too. By then, she was in her third year and was about to finish SHS. I didn’t argue. I welcomed her sister to live with us, thinking that after school she would go home.

She went home for a few weeks and came back again to start tertiary education while living with us. I told my wife, “That’s another four years of living with her. Why don’t you get her a hostel so she can be close to school and also enjoy campus life?” My wife told me she didn’t have the money to do that but would be happy if I helped. Paying for hostel accommodation for all those years was beyond my pay grade, so we allowed her to stay with us.

It wasn’t an easy four years. Sometimes I pitied my wife for being the big sister. She had to pay school fees and other expenses for her sister, and she was always broke. She didn’t contribute anything to our home. It was always about her sister. When she didn’t have enough, I had to throw my weight behind her.

God being so kind to us, we were able to take care of her sister until she completed school. Her father called to thank me for allowing my sister-in-law to stay with us and even helping to pay her fees. He said, “I don’t take it for granted. Not all husbands would allow that to happen.”

My wife’s younger sister left us only when she was posted out of town for her national service. At long last, we were alone. There was enough space for the two of us. My wife was also pregnant then. So while we celebrated our newfound space, we also celebrated our first child, who was about to arrive.

When my wife delivered, my mother-in-law came to live with us. When she came, she brought my wife’s younger brother, who had recently completed SHS. She said she had brought him to help and also because he was done with school and wasn’t doing anything. My mother-in-law lived with us for over four months. Before she left, I overheard her discussing school with my wife. She wanted her to help her younger brother start tertiary education too.

When she left, my brother-in-law remained. It was then that my wife told me he was going to start school very soon, so he was going to live with us. I asked, “Which school? Where is he going to stay while attending that school?” She answered, “Just like my sister did. You know I’m their elder sister, and I have to play that role.”

I was very frank with her. I told her I was also the elder brother to my three younger siblings, but none of them lived with me. It’s OK if she wanted to help, but this time he couldn’t live with us. She asked me, “So where should he go?” I answered, “Anywhere but here. You can get him a hostel. Whatever it is, he can’t stay here.”

She said she couldn’t afford that and started begging me to allow him to stay with us. I stood my ground. She told me she was going to tell her parents about it so they could decide the next step. Her dad called me, begging me to help because, according to him, there was nowhere else for the boy to stay. I explained the situation to him and why I thought we couldn’t do that. “We have a baby now, an added responsibility. That aside, we also need our space. The boy can stay in a hostel.”

My wife was angry with me, but I didn’t care as long as she sent her brother away. She didn’t. Instead, she told me she was going to get him a hostel. By the time I realized what was happening, the boy had already completed his first semester while living with us. This time around, I contributed nothing to his education. I didn’t even speak to him because I wanted him to know I didn’t approve of him staying with us. My wife and I had a few fights here and there because of him. One of us was always angry, and it was almost always me.

When he was starting his second year, I gave my wife an ultimatum. “If your brother continues staying here, I swear you’ll have to pay the rent, or else I’ll quietly move out when the rent is due so you two can decide what to do.”

She still didn’t take me seriously until she told me one day that the landlady had visited. She wanted to know if we were going to renew the tenancy. I told her we didn’t have the money to renew and that, in fact, we were moving into a single-room self-contained apartment that I could afford. She still took my words for granted until our rent expired.

I started packing while she watched me. When I was leaving, she shook her head and asked where I thought I was going.

I told her she could follow me because she was my wife and we had a child. I left for my parents’ house, back to the room I had been living in before marriage. Her dad called me, asking if I was doing all that because of his son living with us. I told him that was one of the reasons and also that I didn’t have enough money to pay the rent since my wife wasn’t contributing in any way.

She was working and earning money, but she chose to spend her money on her family, leaving me alone to take care of ours. That was OK, but I was tired of hosting her family. As I write this, my wife’s younger sister—their last-born—is also in JHS. I foresaw her doing the same thing once she completed school. She was the reason I had to make sure it ended. I stood my ground until they got a hostel for her brother.

I currently have my family back, but my wife gives me an attitude because of it. We are not rich. My salary can barely cover the two of us. If she threw in a little support, we would both be very comfortable, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t even buy toilet rolls for the house or the water we drink. It’s all on me while she spends all her earnings on her family.

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I’m tired. And this attitude of hers makes me even angrier. I’ve told myself we are not going to have another child until I’m in a position where I can afford one. Thinking about it makes me very angry. I can’t send money home. When I do, we suffer until the next paycheck. I’m beginning to think maybe I can’t afford marriage, so perhaps I should let that go too. What’s the point of suffering to keep a family going while your partner is busy taking care of her parents and siblings?

It’s hard, but the way I see it, one day I’ll collapse under this weight and never get up again. I’d rather let the marriage go while I still have my peace of mind and use my money to take care of what’s important to me too.

—Berimah

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