I met my boyfriend when I was twenty-two years old. He was doing well in life already. He had his dream job and was already planning the next step of his life, which was to find a woman and settle down with. After a year of dating, he suggested that we got married, “I told him, “I’m only twenty-three and still in school so why don’t you wait until I’m done schooling?” He agreed.

A year later, I completed the university. At the graduation party he organized for me, he asked me, “Now the school is done so we have to start thinking about marriage.” I said, “Yes we have to. At the right time, we would talk about it.”

One day at the corner of his room, while leaning on the wall, he walked closer to me as if he was coming for a kiss. He said, “Now let’s talk. When should I come home to see your parents officially?” I asked, “For the marriage, right?” He said, “Yes for the marriage. I thought we agreed we would do it after you complete school?” I answered, “Yeah we agreed but don’t you think I have to find a job first? At least, I should have a foundation for myself before all these things come in.”

He wasn’t buying my argument. His reason was that he was in a position that he could take care of me until I complete national service and find a job. I told him, “Let me seek the guidance of my parents and see what they also have to say.” I didn’t talk to my parents but a few days later, I told him, “My parents also agreed with me. My dad thinks I need a solid foundation first. My mom also thinks it helps to ease the burden on you if I had something going on before marriage.” He grudgingly accepted to wait.

He was a wonderful guy. He ticked all the boxes for me and I didn’t have doubt about his love for me. After national service, I started getting scared about finding a job because I knew immediately I find a job, he’ll be on me asking us to get married. All along, the issues hadn’t been the foundation or me finding a job first and all. The issue was about my fear of getting married. Anytime I thought about marriage, four negative things came to mind;

I felt living with him in the same house for the rest of our lives would make him get tired of me. The guy loved me to pieces and everything he did showed but I was scared he was going to change after marriage. I was scared he would one day become everything I hated in a man. There are stories like that. I’ve watched it in movies and I’ve had friends share their experiences. Men get bored when they finally get what they’ve always wanted.

The thought of after birth also got me scared. I knew my boyfriend loved the way I am; slender and smart. My mother was just like me when she was younger. After giving birth she got bigger and was never able to make it back to her original size. I told myself, “He would keep me in the house and go out there chasing other women who look like how I once looked like. He would fall out of love with me but won’t say it. He would live with me just because I’m his wife but his favorite woman would be the girl out there.”

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Being in a relationship with him wasn’t work. I didn’t have to do so much to keep him interested in me. I only had to be myself and love him the way he wanted to be loved. That wasn’t a work for me but when you listen to people and their views on marriage. There’s always one thing that comes up and that is “Marriage is full-time work.” That doesn’t sound like fun. Our relationship was fun so why should I marry and move from fun to work? That also scared me to death.

And then divorce. That word keeps haunting me. My father is not the first man my mother got married to. My mother married twice before meeting my dad. My dad married once and failed before meeting my mom. They both have evidence to show for their previous failed marriages. My dad came to the marriage with a daughter and my mom came with two sons. I’m the only daughter between them. They both didn’t think of divorce when they married their previous partners but somehow, they got to a point where divorce found them. This could be possible with me too. It’s all about love today but can we stand when the troubles come?

These were the fears. These were the main reasons I kept postponing the marriage. I talked about these fears with my mother. She said, “Just pray about it. Everything would be alright.” I spoke to friends about it and they said, “If you allow these issues to have a seat in your mind, you may never marry.” I joked, “Can’t a woman live happily ever after with a boyfriend? Should it always be with a husband?”

I have a stable job now. I make a very good income. I’ve left my parents and live on my own. I’m twenty-eight years now and I’ve dated my boyfriend for good six years. There’s no escape for me—all excuses are exhausted. He asked me, “What next?” I said, “I’m ready.”

Our wedding is in June. I’m getting married to the best man I’ve ever had in my life, yet I’m scared. As the wedding day approaches, the questions get louder and the fears get me frozen. I can’t believe I’m getting married.

I want to ask the married women on this platform; did you experience such fear before getting married? Is it normal to experience fear instead of joy when your wedding day is approaching? Has your husband changed since you got married and had children?” I need honest answers, both good and bad. But come what may, I know I’m well prepared for this.

–Tiwaa

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