I was married to my first husband for eight years. We lived together for the first three years, had a child, and then he travelled abroad. From that point, the marriage became mostly long-distance.

After he travelled, he left the marriage in his mother’s hands, and this woman dictated my very existence. She even came to move in with me because my husband said he couldn’t pay rent for both of us.

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If he had to send me money, he would send it through his mum, and this woman would decide how much to give me. Sometimes, she didn’t give me anything at all, but I was the one buying food for the house and also paying the utility bills. I discussed it with him, and all he said was, “You two are women. Learn to live with each other.”

The situation continued until the marriage became unbearable. Eventually, after eight years of marriage, I called it quits and moved on with my life.

When I left the house, my mother-in-law changed the locks so I couldn’t go back to the house for anything. To date, I still have my bags and other belongings in that house. Maybe she has burnt them.

Two years after that divorce, I got married again.

My current husband was also coming out of a fifteen-year marriage with three children. Our stories of hurt, disappointment and hope brought us together. At a point, it hurt when we didn’t hear from each other. He said we should give marriage another chance, and I agreed, believing our past experiences would help us forge a better marriage.

So this is my second marriage.

My child from my first marriage is living with us. My current husband’s three children from his previous marriage live with his ex-wife. They visit on some weekends, and when school vacates, they come around too.

My current husband became so jealous of the little relationship between me and my ex-husband that he banned me from speaking to my ex-husband in his presence.

If I had to pick up calls from my ex-husband, I had to go out of the house, sometimes with my child, so we could speak to him. He doesn’t want to hear anything about my ex-husband, but I tolerate his ex-wife to the extent that she can bring the children here and also come for them later in the evening.

We’ve had arguments about these differences, and I’ve always tried to be accommodating, though it’s hard for me sometimes. He would tell me he’s the man and still has to control the way his ex-wife raises their children.

Just recently, I found out that he still has his ex-wife’s name as his next of kin on all of his documents. Not only that, the car he’s currently driving is his own car, but it’s in his ex-wife’s name. I figured that when he bought it, he registered it in his ex-wife’s name, but the marriage has been over for so long, yet her name still remains on the documents.

The building we are currently living in is in the name of his ex-wife and children, yet he tells me that when they got divorced, his ex-wife got everything that was due to her.

So the question is, why is her shadow still casting darkness over what is left after the divorce?

I approached the conversation carefully so it wouldn’t bring any fight between us. I asked why, and he told me, “She’s the mother of my children. You and I just started. When we begin having our own children, then I will see what I can do.”

I protested that it wasn’t the right thing to do. That marriage is over, and all he has is us, so everything should reflect those changes in his life unless he doesn’t believe in me. Nothing I said made any difference. He said what he said, so I had to deal with it.

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It’s haunting me. I used not to care about his ex-wife, but currently, she annoys me to the max. I hear her voice around, and my blood begins to boil. I have told him once to also not make me see it when he’s talking to her, and he looked at me like I didn’t have the right to say that.

It’s a new marriage, but it has started giving me the vibe of my old marriage that didn’t survive. In my first marriage, I didn’t have an opinion, and I was stepped on whenever something was out of my reach.

Now, in my second marriage, I feel like I’m being stepped on again.

Why should I be the one to do what makes him happy while he brushes my concerns aside?

This is my second try, and I will do everything to protect it, but looking at what’s going on, do I stand a chance? Especially when he doesn’t listen to me?

—Martha

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