The first time my husband asked me to quit my job, our daughter was only a few months old. The second time, I was pregnant with our next child, and his ageing mother was sick. Both times, he spoke about the needs of the family. Both times, the solution was for me to give up my job.

It started when I was preparing to resume work after maternity leave. We had been searching for someone to help us care for our baby, but the people we found were either unsuitable or beyond what we could afford. My husband suggested that I resign and stay home with our daughter.

I understood his concerns. She was still very young, and the thought of leaving her with someone we barely knew frightened me too. But I also had a job. I had worked hard to get to where I was, and the salary gave me some financial independence.

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I didn’t reject his suggestion outright. Instead, I proposed that if he wanted me to stay home, he should help me establish a small business I could operate while caring for our daughter. I had a few ideas and was willing to start modestly.

He listened without showing much interest. When I pressed him for answers, he said we would discuss it later.

We never did.

Eventually, I found a way to return to work and manage our daughter’s care. It wasn’t easy. There were mornings when I arrived at the office already exhausted. Sometimes, I spent most of my working hours making calls to check whether the baby had eaten or fallen asleep.

A year later, I became pregnant again. Around that time, my mother-in-law fell ill. My husband told me that he wanted to bring her to live with us. He brought up the conversation about resigning again. This time, he had two reasons. Our second baby would soon arrive, and his mother needed someone to look after her.

He wanted me to stay home, raise the children, and care for his mother. I listened until he finished talking. Then I asked, “How much will you pay me at the end of every month?”

He looked at me as though I had insulted him. I explained that if I was giving up my job to become a full-time caregiver, I expected a monthly amount equivalent to what I was earning. I wasn’t asking to be paid for loving my children or caring about his mother. I was asking how he intended to protect me financially.

As expected, he got angry. He said marriage wasn’t a business arrangement and that a wife shouldn’t demand payment for looking after her own family.

Our conversation ended in an argument. Not long afterwards, his mother arrived. There was no proper discussion about who would be responsible for her daily care. My husband simply brought her home and expected me to adjust.

So every morning, I wake up early to prepare our daughter for the day. I attend to her needs, prepare myself, and leave for work. I don’t care about what happens to his mother. By the time I return from work, I still have a child who needs my attention and a home that needs running.

Then my husband started complaining. Sometimes, he would nag in my ears all night when we were going to sleep. Other times, he would shout and moan in front of his mother, maybe to show his mother that he was in charge.

I asked him to arrange for someone who could help during the day. He said we shouldn’t spend money on a caregiver when his wife was available. I smiled and shook my head. I’m not available. I’m working. I’m pregnant. And I’m already caring for our child.

The annoying thing is that my husband hardly participates in the work he expects me to abandon my career to perform. He goes to work, returns home, eats, and rests. When he’s tired, he sleeps. When I’m tired, there’s usually something else waiting for me.

One evening, the argument got intense. I could see a flare in his eyes, and his hands were shaking. He said I was disrespecting him by ignoring his mother. In the heat of the argument, he threatened me with divorce.

I said, “Go ahead.”

I surprised myself with how calmly the words came out. Perhaps I was simply too tired to be frightened. Since then, he barely speaks to me. We move around each other in the house, discussing only what is absolutely necessary. His silence used to disturb me, but this time, I’ve left him alone.

His mother has also become hostile towards me. She complains about how I treat her and sometimes calls me names. Recently, she asked my husband what he saw in me that made him marry me. I heard her clearly. I stood in the kitchen for a moment, holding a plate I had just washed. I wanted to respond, but I put the plate down and continued what I was doing.

My mother-in-law has daughters. They are married women with homes, children, and responsibilities of their own. Nobody expects them to abandon everything to become their mother’s full-time caregivers. Yet somehow, because I’m married to her son and we live close to her, the responsibility has become mine.

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I love my husband. I care about his mother, even though her recent behaviour has hurt me. And I would do whatever I reasonably could to ensure our children were properly cared for, but there must be a point where my needs are considered too.

I have stopped begging him to speak to me. I’m too tired to keep apologising for wanting a life in which my needs also count. His mother sees me and frowns. Sometimes, she needs my help. Sometimes, she needs me to help her move from one place to another. I can see from her face that she needs help, but she won’t tell me. She forces herself to do it just to shame me.

I smile because even I, with this bulge in front of me, need someone to help me move from one place to another.

—Brenda  

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