My husband had some very strange behaviour when it came to his children, and it has been one of the biggest challenges in our marriage.
He has three children from a previous marriage that did not work out, a girl and two boys. I also have three girls from a previous marriage. Our stories were quite similar, and perhaps that was why we connected so easily. I liked him, and he liked me too. Because of our past experiences, we agreed that we would make our marriage work and ensure that our children found a family in each other.
We got married in 2016, but things soon started going wrong. My husband began cheating on me. I would find love messages from other women on his phone, and whenever I confronted him, he would shout at me and insist that it was not a big deal because I was his wife. He would tell me, “The other girls don’t matter. You, only you, matter.” He was manipulating me, but I allowed it and chose to close my eyes to what was happening.
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His children, on the other hand, had no manners. They could speak to me anyhow, even in their father’s presence. Whenever I complained, he would accuse me of not liking his children. They did not respect anyone, not even their father’s siblings, and he knew this.
If I tried to correct them or teach them how to behave, they would stop talking to me. Their argument was that if their father was comfortable with the way they behaved, I had no reason to complain. And in a way, they were right. But, as a mother, I felt bad because I did not want them to grow up thinking it was normal to disrespect people.
All three children had been expelled from school at some point, but my husband would still insist that their teachers were being unfair to them.
I did my part as a wife. I have sat him down and tried to reason with him. I explained that his children’s behaviour could affect them negatively in the future if nobody corrected them. That day, I received the worst insults from him. He called me names and accused me of pretending to care about his children when, in reality, I just did not like them. I didn’t know a man could have such a soft spot for his kids that he sees nothing wrong with them.
His children would quarrel with elderly people in the compound, but he would always find a way to blame the elderly people and insist that they were the ones who started it, as if he were around when the arguments started.
He was transferred to another state for work, but I stayed back. When I visited them one day, I discovered some things that made me uncomfortable. He and his daughter slept in the same bed. The girl was already schooling there, so when he was transferred, they moved in together. He told me he was sleeping on the couch while his daughter took the bed, but it was otherwise. They shared the same hanger for their bras, underwear, boxers, and panties. Their arrangement was rather strange.
His daughter was very problematic. She was always behaving as if we were rivals, meanwhile, I knew my place. I initially dismissed it as normal stepchild behaviour, but some of the things she did went beyond what I could understand. She would wear her father’s clothes, and when I questioned it, she would say there was nothing wrong with her wearing her father’s clothes.
He would give her money for food even when I was around. She was the one who prepared the household budget, and if I needed anything from him, he would sometimes tell me to ask his daughter.
Things became even worse when I discovered that he would sometimes take his children to visit his mistress and instruct them not to tell me about it.
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His brothers were very much like him, except for one. I later learnt that this behaviour was not new in their family. His father treated his wife the same way, even in their old age. His mother told me this when I complained to her about my husband’s behaviour. Nobody could sit him down and talk sense into him. His relatives would simply tell me to get used to it because that was how their brother was.
I endured so much until this year, when I finally gave up. I decided to walk away because the entire situation was draining me emotionally. Surprisingly, his children celebrated my decision to leave. Ever since I married this man, there have been so many things I have struggled to understand. I kept hoping things would change, but I only realised that I could no longer continue living this way.
—Dorcas
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