I have a diploma, but I’ve always wanted to continue my education. My dream was to obtain a degree and, if possible, pursue further studies. Unfortunately, money has always been my biggest obstacle.

After completing my diploma, I started working, hoping to save enough to return to school. But the salary wasn’t much. By the time I took care of my basic needs and contributed towards family expenses, there was hardly anything left. Years passed, and my dream remained a dream.

Then I met my girlfriend. She’s a businesswoman who has done very well for herself. She owns a business that generates a good income. From the beginning of our relationship, I never pretended to be wealthy or tried to create the impression that I was doing better than I actually was, yet she accepted me as I was. When she learned that I wanted to continue my education, she encouraged me to apply.

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At first, I thought she was only encouraging me. Then one afternoon, she bought the admission forms and asked me to complete them. When I gained admission, she paid my school fees, secured a hostel for me, and bought some of the things I needed. Even my monthly upkeep comes from her.

If I need textbooks, she pays. If something comes up that requires money, she’s the first person I call. There are men who would give anything to have someone believe in their future the way she believes in mine. She wants me to acquire the knowledge and qualifications that will eventually help her expand and manage certain aspects of her business.

We’ve discussed how I could become involved in the business after completing school. I like that idea because I don’t want to remain financially dependent on her forever. I want to contribute meaningfully to whatever future we build together.

But recently, certain things have started bothering me. Since I entered school, she visits my hostel whenever she wants. Sometimes, she calls beforehand. Many times, she simply arrives without informing me.

She came to visit me at the hostel and found me standing on the balcony with a female friend. We were talking about school when she arrived. She didn’t greet. She stood there looking at us as though she had caught us doing something inappropriate.

My friend became uncomfortable and excused herself. Before she could leave, my girlfriend asked, “Who is this one too?”

I tried introducing them, but she wasn’t interested in any pleasantries. She wanted to know why I was standing alone with another woman and what was so important that we couldn’t discuss it somewhere else.

The lady eventually left, and my girlfriend followed me into my room with a barrage of accusations. My roommates had to leave the room for us to fight. What disturbed me the most wasn’t even her jealousy. It was the way she spoke to me, as though I needed her permission to have friends.

That day, I started thinking seriously about our future, and it got me scared.

A few weeks after subjecting me to shame in front of my lady friend, I was on the phone with some group members discussing an assignment when my girlfriend called. Her call came through as call waiting.

I didn’t end the ongoing conversation because we were in the middle of discussing something important. I planned to call her back as soon as we finished. When I eventually returned her call, she was angry. She wanted to know why I hadn’t answered immediately.

She asked why I didn’t end the call and answer hers. I told her I didn’t think it was necessary to interrupt the discussion when I could easily call her back afterwards. She retorted, “Those group members, are they the people who pay your school fees?”

I went quiet as she ranted over the phone. “What do my school fees have to do with returning a missed call?” I asked myself. “Would she have accepted my explanation if I weren’t depending on her financially?”

I asked her whether she expected me to abandon everything I was doing whenever she called simply because she was sponsoring my education. She screamed, “Do not twist my words. That’s not what I said.”

We argued, and eventually, I had to apologise because I didn’t want the disagreement to continue. Since then, I’ve started looking at certain things differently. When she sends me money, I feel grateful, but there’s now a little fear attached to that gratitude. Whenever she asks me to do something, I wonder whether I genuinely have the freedom to disagree.

Sometimes, I find myself explaining ordinary things in unnecessary detail because I don’t want her to suspect I’m hiding something. I’m not with her simply because she has money. We had a relationship before she offered to sponsor my education, and I genuinely wanted a future with her. But I’m beginning to wonder whether her generosity comes with expectations we haven’t properly discussed.

I’ve started looking for a way to pay for the rest of my education myself. The truth is, it’s not easy. If I decide to stop accepting her support, I may have to stop school and return to work, and that’s something I desperately want to avoid.

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I know some people will say I should be grateful because not every woman would invest so much money in a man she’s not married to. I’m grateful, but does gratitude mean I shouldn’t question behaviour that makes me uncomfortable?

She is helping me achieve a dream I couldn’t afford on my own, yet I’m beginning to fear that the same kindness might become something she uses to control me. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want to lose my education, but I also don’t want to marry someone who believes supporting me financially gives her ownership over my life.

Won’t she use this kindness to enslave me or lord it over me for taking me through school? Will she ever submit if we end up getting married? Or should I start thinking about walking away from everything?

—Bros  

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