My Boyfriend Wants To Marry Me Without Paying Bride Price

Two years ago, he suggested that I move in with him. He believed we were wasting money paying rent in two different places when we could live together and save towards our future.

His argument made financial sense. Rent in America isn’t cheap, and there were times I struggled to pay mine. So combining our resources would have helped both of us but I told him I wasn’t comfortable moving in with a man I wasn’t married to.

He laughed and asked, “So after everything we’ve been doing together, you still see me as a stranger? We’ve been together for two years. We know each other better than some married couples. What difference will marriage make?”

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I was raised to believe that certain things should happen after marriage. I knew we were living in America, where couples commonly moved in together before getting married, but that didn’t mean I had to do the same.

He said, “Look around you. People here meet, fall in love, live together and eventually get married. Why can’t we be like them?”

I told him, “Because I’m Ghanaian, and I want to do it the Ghanaian way. I won’t move in with a man who hasn’t married me.”

I asked him one evening, “If saving money is the reason you want us to live together, why don’t we get married and save the money as husband and wife?”

He said marriage wasn’t something people should rush into because of accommodation. I reminded him that we had already been together for two years.

Eventually, he stopped bringing up the subject. I continued living in my apartment, and he remained in his. Our relationship continued. We visited each other, travelled together occasionally and supported each other whenever necessary. Sometimes he would spend the weekend at my place, and other times I would visit him.

I love this man. He’s hardworking, caring and has been there for me during some difficult periods. When I had problems at work, he came through for me. When I fell sick, he took care of me. These are some of the reasons I’ve stayed with him for four years.

He has lived in America long enough to adopt certain ways of life, and I don’t have a problem with that. I have also changed in many ways since moving here. But there are things about being Ghanaian that I still cherish. Marriage is one of them.

Recently, he brought up the issue of getting married. He wanted us to have a simple wedding here in America, invite a few friends and begin our lives together.

I was excited. For years, I had been waiting for him to say those words but his method sounded simplistic. I asked how about our families and he asked how about them. “Are we going to get married here and pretend they don’t exist?”

He asked what I intended to do about that and I told him I wanted our families in Ghana to meet before we had our wedding here. I explained that I wanted him to send his family to mine to formally ask for my hand in marriage. They could perform the traditional rites, pay the bride price and make our union known to both families.

I wasn’t even insisting that we travel to Ghana for an expensive traditional wedding. I told him our families could handle the arrangements there, and we could participate in whatever way was practical. Once that was done, we could have our wedding here.

He looked at me and asked, “Are you serious?”

I said yes.

Then he said, “Paying bride price is an outdated tradition. Do you see them do it here? Why should I pay money to your family because I want to marry you?”

I didn’t like the way he put it. I explained that I wanted our families to formally recognise our union and also show respect to the family that raised me. He disagreed. He said we were educated people living in a modern society and shouldn’t continue practising traditions simply because our families still practice them.

I wasn’t asking him to spend thousands of dollars or buy expensive things. If the cost was what bothered him, we could discuss it with our families and keep everything simple. What mattered to me was that he acknowledged the tradition and respected my desire to have it performed.

He said, “You’re making marriage unnecessarily complicated.”

Since that conversation, we’ve been arguing. Sometimes he brings up the years we’ve spent together and asks whether they mean nothing to me. I tell him they mean everything. That’s why I want us to marry properly according to the values I believe in.

He says if I’m willing to lose him over bride price, then perhaps I don’t love him as much as I claim. This is not about love. It’s about doing the right thing while in love.

I understand that people have different opinions about traditions, and I don’t expect him to agree with everything I believe. But I also think marriage requires compromise. If we can spend money inviting friends to a wedding reception in America, why can’t we make arrangements for our families to perform a simple traditional ceremony in Ghana?

My mother has never demanded an expensive wedding and I know how happy she would be to see my husband’s family formally come to ask for my hand. My father has also been looking forward to that day. Whenever I speak to them, they ask whether we’ve started discussing marriage. I keep telling them we’re making plans.

A few days ago, my boyfriend brought up the issue again. He asked, “If I book a date for us to get married at the courthouse tomorrow, will you marry me?”

I told him I would be happy to marry him, but I still wanted our families to perform the traditional rites. He shook his head.

“So you’re saying no?”

I said, “I’m saying let’s do both.”

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He walked away telling me I’m stretching something that should be simple.

I keep asking myself whether I’m making things difficult for us. This is a man I’ve loved for four years. I don’t want to throw everything away because we disagree about a traditional ceremony.

But I also don’t want to enter marriage feeling that I had to abandon something important to me simply because my partner didn’t value it. Today it’s the traditional marriage rites. Tomorrow, what else will he expect me to give up because he considers it outdated?

I love him, and I believe he loves me too. I genuinely want to become his wife but I don’t think asking him to honour my family and perform a simple traditional marriage ceremony is too much.