I come from a strict Christian family, and as the only daughter, my parents have a lot of expectations for me, especially when it comes to marriage. My mom and I once had a very serious conversation about marriage, and she somehow made it clear that she was not interested in hearing that I might want to get married early.
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The problem is that I love the idea of marriage. Not in a fairytale kind of way, but in a way that understands marriage is a journey and not an easy one. I have watched several marriages, including my parents’, so I am fully aware of the struggles that come with it. I know it takes work, patience, and commitment, but I still want to get married, and I’d prefer to do it sooner rather than later.
I met this guy, Alfred, in school. He is a nice guy, very mature and loving. I love his personality, and I have taken my time to study him. There are certain things I can confidently say I know about him. He is a provider, not necessarily because he has everything figured out, but because he does his best even when he doesn’t have much. He manages his anger well and doesn’t yell or get violent. He is just calm. He is also loving, caring, emotionally available, and a good listener.
Of course, he has his flaws, but nobody is perfect. We aren’t dating right now, but we talk a lot about our future, marriage, and kids. We have agreed to start dating after school.
I have started developing feelings for him, and it is safe to say those feelings have started manifesting physically, too. Sometimes, I wish he would just kiss me, but he is a careful guy and always dodges the question whenever I bring it up.
Let me go back a bit. I have always been a romantic girl. I have written romantic books, and I also have a high libido. If I were to rate it on a scale, I would give it a seven.
I have been intimate in the past, but it didn’t turn out well. I was in pain and uncomfortable, and that experience made me reluctant to try it again. But this guy, Alfred, has brought those feelings back. I find myself fantasising about him and even dreaming about him. He is so gentle, and honestly, that is part of what makes this difficult.
The problem is that he doesn’t want to be intimate. He wants us to wait until we get married.
I honestly don’t know what to do because I can’t be intimate with just anyone. It is impossible for me to kiss a guy I don’t love, let alone have sex with him. I also can’t buy toys because I feel it might not end well for me.
The worst part is that I know very well that if Alfred were to leave, I would be fine. I would survive and move on. But I don’t want to lose him.
My libido is so high right now that I am beginning to contemplate getting married early. Should I get married early just so I can finally be intimate with someone I love?
I have tried bringing up the idea of early marriage with Alfred, but he mentioned that his finances aren’t in the right place yet and that we need to grow up first. Honestly, I understand where he is coming from. I know those things matter, too. But I am really beginning to doubt whether I can wait another five years.
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I have been celibate for a while, and it was so easy because my past experience had made me despise sex. I didn’t struggle with it at all. But now that Alfred is in the picture, everything has changed. I can’t seem to think straight anymore.
—Patience
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Who else notices that Patience is desperate for marriage? Anyways, that is an African name for you
Patience does it may dear
No rush… you should stop living in your head in terms of thinking too much about Alfred
Find ways to distract yourself when intimate thoughts arise
Do fun activities with Alfred in open spaces, public spaces
Talk about how you feel with your mom as you both seem close
Let her help you
Work on finishing your studies, pray and read your bible alone, with your family if it is done in your home and with alfred over the phone
It is better to wait and set a good foundation in Godly ways and firm friendship… plan for your future … sex is good and you already know it is meant for marriage but desire and feelings should not make you rush it
This high-libido thing? Eii, it’s not easy, one bit! 😂
Biologically, it’s normal. But when you put Christianity into the mix, the conversation changes. Premarital sex isn’t encouraged, and abeg, the struggle to remain celibate can be REAL! Especially in your late twenties onward, when suddenly your body is tired of this celibacy business.
But Sister, take it from someone who understands the struggle: don’t let your libido make decisions for you.
Yes, Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:8–9 that it’s better to marry than to burn with passion if you cannot exercise self-control. But that doesn’t mean you should marry someone simply because your libido is riding you like there’s no tomorrow!
Marriage is a lifelong journey. Sexual attraction matters, but it cannot carry the weight of an entire marriage. Marry because you’ve found someone you genuinely want to build a life with, not simply because you want to have sex without feeling guilty.
Something else caught my attention. You’re fortunate to have both love and desire in your relationship. Sometimes, you can love someone deeply without desiring them sexually. It happens.
But Sister, not even a kiss? Not even him initiating one? Eiii! This man’s discipline must be greater than that of the apostles of old! 😂😂
Seriously, though, find out why. Is he deliberately abstaining because of his Christian convictions? Or is something else going on? You need to understand each other, including your expectations around intimacy and sexual compatibility, before marriage.
I speak from experience, too. I was once in a relationship where I felt the desire, but my partner didn’t seem to share it. Unbeknownst to me, the man was busy using his waist in another kingdom!
So, Sister, while you’re trying to understand your own desires, pay attention to your partner, too. His abstinence might be genuine discipline, but have an honest conversation with him.
Your libido isn’t your enemy, and you don’t need to be ashamed of your desires. But don’t let sexual frustration rush you into marriage.
Marry because you’ve found someone with whom you want to build a life. Let desire be part of the story, not the entire reason for the wedding.
That is lust and it drives desperation along which you need to work on as soon as possible. Don’t push the guy away. All you know it’s not love working but mere feelings.