My husband and I are in a long-distance marriage. He comes and leaves, and I visit him and return to my home. We have been doing this for three years now.

We have discussed plans to finally move in together, as married couples are supposed to, but that would mean one of us making the biggest sacrifice. I honestly don’t know if I want that person to be me. The reason is his behaviour. I fear that if I make that decision, I will only end up regretting it as time goes on. That is why I have stopped bringing up the conversation about moving in together. I have started to think that perhaps my husband only wanted to get married because he wanted to become a responsible person. I don’t even know if that is a thing, but that is what it looks like from where I stand. I have come to realise that he has no respect for me, no love strong enough to sustain our marriage, and not even the fear of losing me.

READ ALSO: My Mother And Cousin Have Declared War On Each Other, And I Am Caught In The Middle

He is always chatting with this female friend, and sometimes I feel like she gets the version of him I have been waiting for. They talk in the morning, afternoon, evening, and sometimes even till dawn. He is always on another call with her.

The fact that I haven’t fought him over it doesn’t seem to bother him. I am not a troublesome woman, and I have spoken to him about it twice, asking him to be careful and explaining that I am not comfortable with how close they are. But both times, he brushed me off, insisting that they are just friends and nothing more. That is why he answers her calls in front of me. In his mind, if there were something to hide, he would be hiding somewhere to answer her calls.

Would this woman be happy to see her own husband being this comfortable with another woman? Or her boyfriend? How would she feel if she were in my shoes? But, if you think very well about it, I realise she’s not the one to blame. If the man who swore loyalty and respect to me in front of God and our families is ignoring me, treating me like a second thought, and refusing to honour me, then why blame her? I won’t be part of the cycle that blames the other woman.

And she’s not the only one. There are many more. He flirts with them on Facebook Messenger, chatting and laughing like he has no wife. He tells them he’s single, that there’s no one in his life, and that he’d be happy to have them. He disgraces himself, you’d think he has no shame.

I came across those messages once when I stumbled on his phone. I confronted him, and he promised to change, but I’m certain he hasn’t. I don’t have proof anymore because now his phone is heavily passworded. Everything on it is locked, and I’m not even allowed to take a picture with it, or even try to play games with it, thats how bad things are. I don’t want to be bothered by it anymore. I don’t care what he does to himself.

This isn’t the kind of marriage I envisioned for myself. I wanted the “happily ever after.” I didn’t want a nonchalant husband. I wanted a safe space, a man who was mine and mine alone, but from the way things are looking, I’m sharing him with women on Facebook—women who don’t even know I exist.

Now, when he says he’s going out, I wonder what he’s really going to do. Will he bring back an infection? Will he take one of those girls he met on Facebook Messenger out?

I’ve become exactly what I hate: paranoid, jealous, and resentful. And this pregnancy has my emotions all over the place. I’m always crying, always sad. It’s tiring, this constant up and down.

What Caused The Breakup Between You And Your Ex?

The fact that the pregnancy is high-risk makes everything worse. He’s aware, but he’s very intentional in his neglect; he doesn’t care if what he is doing might hurt me and affect the child. How are we supposed to work on a marriage when I can’t trust him, and he’s not even willing to try? The long distance makes it even harder. I’ve come to understand that maybe he just doesn’t care, or he’s fallen out of love, or the pregnancy is pushing him further away from me.

So I’ve decided to take care of myself and my unborn child. I have a few months to go. And after I deliver, I’ll start packing my slippers and leaving through the door. I’ll start looking for my way out. I want to be a healthy and happy mother for my child.

—Esther

This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too. Email it to us at [email protected]. You can also drop your number and we will call you so you tell us your story.

#SB<>