I cheated on my wife, and she found out. She says the cheating itself isn’t what hurts her most. It’s the woman I chose to cheat with.

Her name is Agnes. We were all in school together. I knew Agnes before I started dating my wife. I liked her and wanted us to be in a relationship, so I gathered the courage to propose to her. She rejected me. I was disappointed, but I accepted her decision and moved on.

Some time later, I became close to the woman who is now my wife. We started talking, became friends, and eventually fell in love. She was everything I wanted in a woman, and as our relationship progressed, I became certain she was the person I wanted to marry.

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When Agnes realised I was dating my wife, she approached her and told her that I had proposed to her first. She made fun of her for dating a man she had rejected. I wasn’t there when the conversation happened, but my wife told me about it. She asked, “Is it true that you proposed to Agnes?”

I said yes. I asked what was wrong, and she said, “So I’m the one you came to after she said no?” I told her that people could develop feelings for someone, get rejected, and eventually fall in love with somebody else. It didn’t mean the next person was a replacement. She listened to me, but I could tell the conversation had affected her.

We continued dating after school. I had a job, and she also had a job. Eventually, I proposed marriage, and she said yes. We had a very beautiful wedding, which was the talk among our friends for weeks.

We had been married for a little over a year when Agnes came into the picture again. Sometimes, she called. Other times, we exchanged messages. Agnes knew I was married. She knew I married the woman she had made fun of. She knew the history between the three of us.

But our conversations gradually became inappropriate. One thing led to another, and I slept with her. It was one of the most careless decisions I ever made. I regretted it immediately after it happened and decided it was the last time it was going to happen. Unfortunately for me, my wife found out through my phone.

Agnes said, “You’re ghosting me right after we had the best moment of our lives? I thought you said you were ready for this?”

I forgot to delete that message that day. I won’t forget the evening she confronted me. I couldn’t deny it, so I had to confess everything. Then she asked, “Of all the women in this world, why did you choose Agnes to cheat with?”

I didn’t have an answer that could make sense of what I had done. I had never considered what the affair would mean to her beyond the ordinary pain of infidelity. To my wife, I had confirmed a fear she had carried since the beginning of our relationship. She believed I had always wanted Agnes and had settled for her because Agnes didn’t want me.

For several days, she barely spoke to me. I apologised repeatedly. I cut off communication with Agnes and told my wife I was ready to do whatever was necessary to rebuild our marriage. She didn’t ask for a divorce. I thought it meant things would get better.

I knew I was the one who had destroyed her trust, so I couldn’t expect everything to return to normal immediately. Weeks passed. Then months. Every time I tried to initiate intimacy, she shoved me away. Eventually, I stopped trying.

It’s been a year. For one whole year, we haven’t been intimate. We sleep on the same bed, but there’s a distance between us that seems to grow wider every day.

We don’t discuss our feelings anymore. When I ask about her day, she gives me brief answers. When I try to initiate conversations about our marriage, she says she doesn’t have anything to say.

Recently, I decided to ask her about having children. I asked, “Don’t you want us to have a child? It’s been a year already. Does it not bother you that we don’t have a child?”

She responded, “You know I want children, but I don’t want to have a child with you while I still feel this way about what you did.”

I asked whether she meant she would never have a child with me. She said she didn’t know. Then she added, “How do I bring a child into a marriage when I can’t even trust the man I’m married to?”

I couldn’t argue with her, but her answer frightened me. I asked how much longer she needed. She said forgiveness didn’t have a timetable. I understood that, but I also wanted to know whether she still wanted our marriage.

Since that conversation, I’ve been thinking seriously about our future. I love my wife. I regret what I did, and if I could go back to that period of my life, I would never entertain Agnes again. But I can’t change what happened.

It also scares me when I think about whether or not we will ever escape these stormy seas we are in. I’ve considered divorce, but I’m not sure if that’s a better option, considering the fact that I cheated.

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All I want from my wife at this moment is to know whether we’re still trying to rebuild something together. If she tells me she wants to end the marriage, I’ll understand. If she tells me she’s willing to work towards reconciliation, I’ll do my part. But living in this uncertainty is becoming difficult for me to bear.

It’s been a year since she found out. She’s still here, but I don’t know whether her heart is still in this marriage. Should I continue waiting for her to heal, even if it takes several more years? Or would it be better to consider divorce rather than remain in a marriage where the woman I love may never be able to trust or love me the same way again?

—Rich  

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