My cousin is currently living with us, and my mum has sworn to do everything in her power to make life difficult for her. And I know my mum. She doesn’t go back on her words; she walks her talk.

A little about my mother: My mum has been through a lot in her childhood, and I believe that has shaped who she is today. I am her first child, and I have been through a lot at her hands. Even with that, she is still a good mother, and we love her. I believe she does everything with our best interests in mind, but sometimes, in the course of trying to set things right, we end up damaging things instead.

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I am in my early twenties, but I do not feel like it. I still ask for permission before doing anything. I have low self-esteem, I am very emotional, and I overthink too much. I do not really have friends, and I hardly go out. I cannot stand up for myself because I was taught that speaking up to defend yourself is disrespectful. I literally cannot think for myself unless I consult my parents because of how I was brought up.

They were initially against my relationship, so I had to hide it. Now that I am a bit older and they realise they cannot really do anything about it, I still have to lie or sneak out to see my boyfriend. I am still struggling to break free from this psychological prison. Even as I write this, I am scolded openly and loudly like a child. I dread coming back home from work.

I have pledged to do better once I have my own children. I have been in and out of depression several times, leading me to attempt suicide a couple of times and cry my eyes out behind closed doors. When my mum scolds you, the kind of words that come out of her mouth would make you want to hang yourself. Some of those words have been buried in my head, re-echoing and making me doubt my self-worth, question my existence, and leaving me mentally, emotionally, and psychologically paralysed for years.

I have two siblings, and it is my wish that they do not experience what I went through. They receive their share too, but not as much as I did.

Back to my cousin, my mum was her caretaker even before her mother passed away. When she died, my cousin went to live with some relatives, but she had to return because that guardian is now bedridden.

Since she returned to our home, she has changed drastically. She has quickly adopted a terrible lifestyle, and she has just entered adolescence. As a teacher, I have seen how these kids can be.

She is acting rebellious and gets mad when scolded. I even fear for her life because who is she trying to act that way towards, and in whose house? But kids are kids, and I know that is how they are, especially at that age. They just need patience, love, care, attention, guidance, and a little discipline.

How do you make an African mother understand that hormones are at work? They practically see it as you growing wings and are ever ready to cut them off.

They got into an argument, and my cousin walked out against my mum’s instructions when she was being scolded. That has led to something else. My mum is upset and has openly said she would make her life a living hell, and she is executing that perfectly.

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I really want to talk to the girl, advise her, and make her understand how things work here so she will not take these things to heart and end up in an emotional mess like me. But how do I do that without indirectly encouraging an adolescent to see it as a warrant to disregard my mum? And how do I make my mum understand so she takes it easy on the child when I am not getting it easy myself?

I do not like what is going on here. The girl has become timid and withdrawn. The tension is too much, and I fear how this might end. What do I do?

—Eunice

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