She was five years older than me, my father’s daughter. My dad had her before he married my mom and I didn’t know her until I was in class five. My dad came from work one evening and came with her. In the evening, when we were watching TV, he announced, “Kwesi, here’s your elder sister. She’s coming to live with us. She’s Akos.”

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So we became three children in the house. My mom loved Akos like her own. Once she was in the picture, and maybe because she was older, my mom went everywhere with her, proudly introducing her as her first daughter. At one point, I felt relegated but my mom explained that Akos was a woman and she had to teach her how to be a woman. I didn’t understand it but I took it as law and moved with it.

While I was in JHS, Akos was in SHS. We shared a room together. Because she was the elder sister, she slept on the bed and the two of us, me and my junior brother, also shared the mattress on the floor. Akos would help me with my homework and played the mother role when our mom wasn’t in the house. I liked her because she gave me a big portion of everything my mom gave little portion of.

One dawn I felt a hand on my skin and felt the movement on my thighs. When I woke up, it was her. She whispered, “It’s cold. If I sleep next to you, you’ll be warm.”

Yes it was very cold. She wrapped me in her embrace while we shared the mattress on the floor. The following night, she asked me to share her bed so my younger brother Thomas would feel free. Meanwhile, our mattress was bigger than her bed. I didn’t object. Again, she wrapped me while we slept. It continued for a while, harmless, innocent, lovely.

I was dozing off when she whispered, “So you mean you haven’t done it before?” “What?” I asked. She answered, “OK, I’m going to do something nice to you but promise no one will hear of it, not even mom or dad.”

Honestly, my mind came to sex because I knew what it was, just that I hadn’t experienced it yet. Before I said Jack, her hand was in my knicker and she was asking how it felt. I had no word to explain my feelings so I was quiet but scared. One step at a time, a whisper in the dark turned into flames and it burned us. That was my first ever experience. I still remember it like it happened yesterday. As I write this, I have the smell of it in my nose.

“Swear you won’t tell anyone,” she whispered.
“I swear.” I responded.

We had to be careful of my parents but we had to be careful of Thomas too because he was at the stage where he could gossip our secret to our parents. So each night, we serenaded Thomas to sleep so we could have our business done in peace. I had become daring to even ask for it. Sometimes I was angry when she denied me. Through that I learned about menses and how long it stayed because I was counting the days she would be free so we could go again.

We went to bed early. Our parents called us good kids because we didn’t waste the night watching TV. We kept to ourselves often. While she helped me with my homework we talked about the night. She showed me porn for the first time and I was intrigued. She asked if I could do this or that. I didn’t know my own strength but in the night when we tried, I could do exactly what I saw in the film.

It was my mom who discovered the pregnancy when Akos herself didn’t know she was pregnant. “Akos, w’ebu wo nsa bosom yi?” She asked, wanting to know if Akos had had her menses. I was there listening as if I wasn’t listening. When Akos shook her head, my mom stood still for a while. She asked Akos to step forward. She checked her palms and looked beneath her eyes. She screamed, “Herh Akos, wonim sɛ woho adani?” Asking if Akos knew she was pregnant.

I remember every word and I’m trying to put them exactly as was said because that moment changed everything for me and twisted my life’s symphony into a dirge. Akos was shaking but I slowly walked out of the scene. I was in JHS two. Akos was about to write WASSCE.

That night when we went to bed she slapped my face, knocked my head and all the while saying, “Do you see what you’ve done to me? Now my life has come to an end. I’ll tell everyone you did it. I won’t suffer alone.”

When she was busy beating me, I was begging her not to mention my name or else we were dead. My mom called me days later and asked me if I knew any man Akos had been secretly visiting. I shook my head. “Does she run from the room at night and come later at dawn?” I shook my head. “Then it will be one of her teachers. Eiii God. What issue is this girl bringing upon me?”

My dad was a habitual traveler so all these happened when he wasn’t around. Finally, Akos mentioned my name as the one responsible. My mom beat me like a thief caught at dawn. She was the only one beating me but it felt like I was being attacked by a mob. I couldn’t run or dodge some of the hits. Every blow. Every hit landed perfectly. I couldn’t even shout because I was concerned neighbors would come and ask what I did and my mom would tell them.

I waited in dread to see Akos’ stomach get bigger. When my dad returned, I shivered whenever I met him. When he called my name, my knees wobbled. Days went by. Weeks came to pass silently like a baby’s fart. Akos’ stomach never got big. My dad didn’t talk about it or beat me about it. I didn’t share a room with Akos again. When my dad traveled, my mom shared a room with her. When my dad was around, I slept on the couch. Surprisingly my dad never asked why the change in sleeping arrangements.

Akos wrote her exams and passed very well. After school, she went back to her mom, went to the university and became someone. I saw her not more than thrice after she left.

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Mom grew old and died. Dad is here but still doesn’t know that I got my sister pregnant. My mom handled it and buried the ghost of it so no one could know. This is the only place and time I’ve shared this story. My mom would be very disappointed to read this because she made us swear on our own death that we would never mention it anywhere until our dying days. Maybe I’m dying tomorrow, so there you have it.

—Kwesi

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