I met Collins when I was twenty-six years old. I was young, hopeful and already dreaming of the kind of marriage I wanted. My dream had always been simple. I wanted to marry at twenty-four and finish having all my children before thirty. Life did not give me that timeline but I still held on to the hope that even if I had missed the first deadline, the second would not pass me by. When Collins came into my life, I saw calmness, sincerity and a kind of goodness that felt rare in the world. He spoke softly, prayed honestly and had this gentle way of making the future sound possible even when the present was failing.

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The problem was that Collins did not have money. Not even the small comfort of a stable job. He worked at a company that paid him poorly and when the frustration got too much, he quit and convinced me we could start something small together. I believed in him so I invested the savings I had. We opened a small shop and within a year we lost everything. Rent expired, sales dropped, and we both stood by the door of the shop one afternoon looking at the empty shelves, each pretending not to see how badly things had gone.

He carried the shame quietly and I carried the fear loudly. I was going to turn thirty soon. That dream of having all my children before thirty was slipping away. One evening, I asked him, “You know my age now. When are we going to marry? We have dated for three years.” He sighed and told me, “If I had it all, do you think I would not marry you? I do not even have a job now.”

I loved him but fear became my shadow. I started nagging him about fixing his life. He was already going to be thirty-five. How long was I supposed to wait? My mother saw my anxiety before I even admitted it to myself. One dawn she came to my room and sat beside me. Her voice was low but firm. She said, “Do you think Collins will marry you? Do not trust a poor man’s love. Today you are his rock because he has nothing. The day he gets money, he will look for what is good for him and leave you behind. Marry a man who is ready. You are not getting any younger.”

Her words entered my spirit. She gave examples of women who supported men only to be abandoned later. She mentioned stories that made my stomach twist. I did not want to believe her but at the same time, her words made sense. Around that time a man abroad started calling me. I used to ignore him but after my mother’s lecture, I stopped avoiding him. I began calling him too. He spoke with confidence, promised me a future that sounded close and real. He sent me money even when I did not ask. He shipped things I could sell. Everything about him looked stable except that he kept asking for nude pictures which I refused. I told him I was waiting for him to come to Ghana.

Anytime I spoke to Collins, he spoke of hope. Anytime I spoke to the man abroad, he spoke as if my future was only a day away. I was torn between patience and instant comfort.

Then finally Collins got a job. He came to my place to celebrate it. He told me, “Give me two years and I will marry you.” I looked at him and imagined myself turning thirty-one, still waiting. I told him, “You are working now. If you truly want to marry me, take a loan. We can start from somewhere.” He did not argue. He just sat there quietly with that peaceful face he always had.

On my thirtieth birthday, he told me we should marry. I wanted to be happy but I was already divided. The man abroad had told me he was coming to Ghana in December. Collins was asking for marriage at the time my heart was preparing for someone else. I asked him, “Where’s the money you’re going to use to marry me? Have you gotten the loan?” He asked me, “How much have you saved? Give it to me as a loan, I will pay back.” I laughed because the whole thing sounded ridiculous. Marry me with my own money?

My boyfriend from abroad finally came. When he was around, I ignored Collins. I gave him excuses. He was talking about marriage but my head and heart was far from him.

All my abroad boyfriend wanted was sex. He said I promised him sex while he was away and now that he was around he had to get it. I told him, “You said you’ll do the knocking before you leave. At least do the knocking and I will be sure of your intentions.”

He gave a day he would come home. The dawn before that day, I typed a long message to give to Collins. I was breaking up with him and also apologizing for the pain that would cause him. The message was so long I didn’t even know where to stop. When it got to the time to press send, the voice in my head whispered, “What did he do to you? You’ll break a man like Collins down because of someone new? Go ahead.”

I didn’t press send. In the morning, I waited for my abroad boyfriend with my mom. My mom even made dishes because he said he was coming with his friends and a few family members. We waited from morning till evening, abroad boyfriend didn’t show up. My mom was angry. “Are you sure he told you he was going to come today?” I answered, “I spent the whole of last night with him. I even saw the things he had bought for the knocking.”

My mom asked a question she’d never asked me, “Are you sure you were able to satisfy him last night when you were with him?” I answered, “I told him after the knocking. I want to be sure of his intentions first.”

I told her I had refused him because he had not done the knocking. She screamed at me saying I had slept with Collins for years yet refused the man who wanted to marry me. She blamed my “demons”. I was shaken but deep down I knew something was wrong.

Two days later, I found out he had performed the knocking for another woman and flown back abroad. He texted me, “Who buys a machine he hasn’t tested?”

I crawled back to Collins. He was waiting for me like all was well. He asked where I’d been and why I wasn’t picking up his calls. I didn’t lie. I told him everything that happened even the message I typed that I couldn’t send. The only lie I told was, “The abroad guy was my mother’s idea. She was forcing him on me and I had no choice. I’m happy it all turned out to be a lie.”

He sighed and then asked me, “So where do we go from here?”

I thought was going to be angry or shout at me or break down about the fact that I nearly married someone. I asked him, “Do you still need the loan to marry me?” He nodded, “I need help. This job I have is good but since you can’t wait for the next two years, then you need to help me.”

I went into my bank account and gave him everything he wanted. I said, “Marry me and I will be the best thing that ever happened to you.” Guess what, when it was getting close to our wedding, my mom put an envelope on my lap. She said, “I saved this for your wedding. Add to what you have and let’s do a better job. You guys have to be happy.”

We’re in our sixth year of marriage and have two children together. The loan he took from me was paid in full even before our marriage was four months old. Even when I told him I didn’t need it, he told me, “I pay what I owe.”

Am I happy in marriage? Yes! I have always been. Not a single day goes by that I regret making this choice. My mom lives with us helping to take care of the last child I had not long ago. She tells me, “I’m happy you didn’t take my advice but you should also know that it came from a place of love. I wanted your happiness.”

Is There A Perfect One Out There For Everyone?

Collins calls her mom. They are the best of friends as if he doesn’t know my mom wanted to give me to another man.

When I look at my life now, I know I did not choose wrong. I chose patience. I chose goodness. I chose a man who loved me even when I was confused and blinded by fear. And every day, when he plays with our children or helps my mother with something small around the house, I smile because my choice still feels right.

—Joana

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