I remember on the last day of our counselling session the pastor’s wife asked me, “What if you find another woman after marriage who looks attractive and you desire her?” “That will never happen,” I confidently responded. The pastor advised, “Pray for strength to overcome, but never say never.” I didn’t understand that statement. Why would anyone marry someone they love yet desires someone else? I thought it was a crazy thing until I read and heard stories about infidelity among married people.

Whenever I come across these stories I wonder, “Why stay and cheat on your partner when you can just leave the marriage?” Sometimes I read these stories online and when I see the comments people make, I feel sad on behalf of the people whose stories they are commenting on. Based on the advice my pastor gave me, the only comment I make is “Don’t judge someone until you have experienced their reality.” Frankly speaking, I never for once thought I will one day find myself in a similar situation because I promised myself that I will never cheat on my partner.

I’ve had serious temptations both at work and outside work but always stood my ground. When I encounter a woman who sees my wedding band as an open invitation to try and be my side chick, I beat my chest and say, “The devil is a liar. I am a one-woman kind of man.” Sometimes I offer a lift to a lady and the next thing you know, she is pushing an agenda. I’ve always valued the love I share with my wife above anything else so nothing these women did got to me. My wife and I have been married for over a decade and I have had eyes for only her until recently. This is how it all began.

I was away from the office one day when a friend called me to ask for a favour. He asked that I assist his friend who has been posted to our office to settle in. I didn’t want to go but this friend rarely asks me for favours so, in the end, I drove to the office. When I got there I saw a little girl running around. She is very beautiful so I was curious to see her mother. Then I saw a lady who looked to be in her early thirties seated with her legs crossed. One of my colleagues was attending to her. I asked her, “My friend ask me to come and assist someone to settle into work. Are you the one?” This lady looked at me and ignored me.

So I openly asked, “Whose child is the little girl running around?” This time too the lady ignored me. It was my colleague who signalled to me that she is the mother. As soon as I caught on I blurted out, “The girl is so much more beautiful than her mother.” I could see displeasure boldly written across her face when I said that but it didn’t concern me. Seeing as she wouldn’t tell me she is the one I am supposed to assist, I couldn’t assist her.

When she left with her baby at her back, I had a strange feeling I didn’t understand. I couldn’t stop myself from whispering to my colleague, “I like this lady.” He responded, “She is married. Didn’t you see her ring?” I don’t know why but I felt disappointed that she wasn’t single. I kept getting this feeling to get close to her. It stayed with me throughout the weekend. I didn’t have her number or know her name, so I couldn’t reach out to her.

She reported to work in September last year. She looked prettier than the last time I saw her. I quickly went into the logbook and saw her name, Mabel. Her office is directly opposite mine so I could see her from where I sit. What I felt for her after our first encounter resurfaced. And I was curious to know if she shared the same urgency to get close to me. I remember offering her a lift one time. When she got down I felt jealous that she was going home to someone else.

I tried so much to avoid getting too close to her but the nature of our work demanded we work very close. How was I going to kill my feelings then? I tried as much as I could not to let my guard down and fall for the voice pushing me to make a move on her. Because of this, I didn’t try to get her number. I believed talking on the phone would make things worse for me. However, I was home one day when she called me. I was surprised. She told me, “I heard you were not feeling well so I called to check up on you.” We didn’t talk much on that day but I took the chance to save her number.

A few days after I resumed duty, I heard from a colleague that she wasn’t doing well so I also called to check on her. After all, what are friends for? Work continued in a normal atmosphere when she came back. In December last year, I was on a refresher course in Kumasi. I got back from lectures one evening and saw a message from her checking on me. I asked myself why she would care this much to even ask if I’d eaten or not. I responded and the chat continued till late in the night.

The chat then continued the next morning when I went for lectures. This became routine throughout my stay in Kumasi until she gave me a cheeky response to a harmless question on my last day. This nailed it. I said to myself, “I need a reason to kill this dangerous feeling and now I have one.” I didn’t respond to her messages again until I reported to work in January after the Christmas break. I got to work that Monday morning with the mindset of avoiding her except when it was about work. I gave straight answers to all her questions and avoided getting involved in any conversation she was a part of.

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She noticed my new behaviour and tried to get me to talk. Nothing she did made me change my attitude. I was determined to keep her at arm’s length for as long as possible. However, she came to work with her daughter the next morning. She put the little girl on my desk the moment she entered my office. I stopped working, picked the girl from the desk and placed her on the visitors’ chair beside me so she won’t fall. This got me talking to Mabel again.

I got to know from our conversations that day that everything I felt about her, she felt about me too. It was tempting to just allow our emotions lead us astray but I said to myself, “Never.” The feelings graduated us from being colleagues to close friends. I dropped her at home every day after work. She confided in me about her fears, “I am worried about what we might do if we don’t find a way to kill these feelings we have for each other.” So we agreed to change our departments. The agreement was for her to leave the office for a different department.

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This isn’t something we can do without the approval of my boss. We tried everything possible to convince my boss to switch Mabel with another staff from one of the departments but he refused. So we continue to work together. I look at my family and tell myself, “Mabel is a forbidden fruit. This isn’t right.” But you know how forbidden things are more desirable. The more we try to stay apart, the more we need each other. We could chat about anything and everything after work till late in the night.

My wife has started suspecting me and I know people in our office will soon start suspecting us too. Mabel and I have agreed to stay away from each other for the sake of our families. We have agreed to kill this feeling. I won’t blame the devil for anything but our desires. I learned not to judge people. After over ten years of marriage,  I finally understand the pastor’s wife’s question. I now know why the pastor said, “Never say never.” While I am staying away from Mabel, I am praying to God for strength.” I just want to share my story to tell people in similar situations that I understand how you feel. I don’t judge you. Please don’t judge me too.

–Fii

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