He’s Breaking Up With Me Because I’ve Kept It For Twenty-Six Years

At first, they’re shocked. The first question that comes from their mouth is, “At twenty-six?” I would nod my head and say “Yeah, at twenty-six and I’m not lying.” Then they would ask me why. I don’t go about telling everyone that I haven’t done it before. Even the guys I’ve dated, I don’t tell them until it gets to the point where they are pushing for it. When I tell them and they ask why, usually the answer I give to them is, “Nothing. Maybe I haven’t met the right person yet. Maybe when the right person comes along and he’s patient with me, maybe I will give it all away. I’m yet to meet that right dude. That’s why I’m keeping it. I’m keeping my best for last.”

And no, I don’t have religious reasons for keeping it. I’m not that religious to go about life that way. Maybe my dad’s influence has something to do with it. Maybe not. Dad is very strict. So strict he picks my phone and goes through my it to see what I’ve been up to. I didn’t have a phone until I completed SHS. When I completed SHS and he got me a phone he said, “I’m giving this phone to you but it’s not yours. It’s mine until the day you get married and your husband gets you a new phone. Because of that, you can’t put a password on the phone and you can’t put a password on any app. I want to pick it up on any day and be able to go through it without any restriction.”

So yes, I didn’t have a password on my phone. Even now, I still don’t have a password on my phone. He didn’t allow visitors. The gender didn’t matter. A girl can’t come to my house and look for me and a guy can’t come and look for me either. The last time A girl visited my home was when we were in SHS. I went home with Matilda, just to show her where I live. I was a day student and Matilda passed through my neighborhood to school each morning. I was showing her my house so she could come around for us to walk to school together. When my father saw her he calmly asked for her name and she mentioned it. My Dad said, “Matilda, I don’t allow people into my house and I’m surprised my daughter didn’t tell you. You can be friends in school but after school, it ends. When girls come together like this, they usually pull each other into trouble. No, I don’t want that for my daughter. You can be friends in school but don’t come here looking for her, I won’t allow that.”

My mom gets angry sometimes. She accuses my dad of going to the extreme but my dad doesn’t care. In his mind, he was protecting me from plunging into a bad life. It’s the reason I didn’t have a boyfriend. 

When I was young, I fell in love with so many guys but the farthest I went with them was to make the relationship stay in my head. In my head, I was dating them. I talked to them in my head. I kissed them in my head. I got jealous in my head when I saw them talking to other women or being friendly with other ladies. I would call these ladies aside and warned them to stay away from my guy. I was warning them in my head so it didn’t have any effect on their attitude towards the guys I loved. Some of those guys saw through me and came forward with their proposals but I loved them too much to expose them to the wrath of my father. I said no to them. My no sounded like, ”This relationship is better in my head than reality. Let it stay that way before someone gets hurt.

I had my first boyfriend when I was in the university where my father’s prying eyes were so far from me. He is Albert. The only short guy I’ve ever dated. He would stand in front of me and look up before he sees my face. I always talked dawn at him, literally speaking. He always talked up to me. It made me feel very powerful in his presence and brought this sense of “I’m in charge” anytime we met. He pushed for shuperu the very first time we got the chance to be alone. I said, “No, don’t let us do it this fast. There’s so much I want to know. There’s so much distance I want to travel with you before I get the confidence to let you see me in my raw state.” 

He didn’t allow me a breathing space. He thought I had a boyfriend somewhere and it was the reason I was denying him his fair share. Whenever he got the chance, he went through my phone, checking if I was talking to other men. Because my phone didn’t have a password, he could go wherever he wanted to. When he didn’t get anything, he accused me of deleting messages. We dated for seven months and the relationship was only beautiful when it was a month old. The rest of our days were spent arguing about who called me and why I was smiling while talking to the person. We got to the tipping point when he told me, “Or you’re doing all these things to me because of my height?”

When people start to make everything about themselves, it’s time to let them go. I never for once thought about his height in the wrong light. The only times I thought about it was when I was looking on top of his head and talking to him. But he started making everything about himself so I let him go. Even when the relationship was over, this guy was still jealous of the people I talked to. One day I was walking with my coursemate when he called. Immediately I picked up the call he said, “You see what I was always telling you? You didn’t like me because of my height. Now see who you went in for after jilting me.” I laughed so loud my friend asked what was wrong with me. Of course, I wasn’t going to let that accusation go without an answer so I told him, “Albert, your height is one of a kind. If I go about looking for someone your height, It would take me a thousand years to find that person. It’s not about the height, it’s about the things like what you’re doing now that made me leave you.”

The current boyfriend I’m dating proposed to me last year November. I accepted his proposal a week before Christmas so he could buy me a Christmas gift. ??? That’s just on the lighter side but on a more serious note, I liked what he brought to the table that’s why I said yes. He is a calm fellow who thinks carefully about his words before he speaks them. When I talk he listens. He won’t blink an eye when he’s listening to me. He won’t touch his phone when I’m in his presence. I’m always at the center of his attention when we are together. He doesn’t know but it’s these little things that made me say yes to him.

Largely, everything had been beautiful since the relationship started. We would meet and he would talk about his future plans and how he intends to build our relationship. He had marriage in mind anytime he spoke about us. He’s eight years older than me and that is also a plus to the relationship. One day I visited his place and he was all over me. Everything he did points in one direction; he wanted shuperu which I didn’t have any problem with. But first, I thought I should tell him about my situation before anything else. I said, “I don’t know if I’m ready yet but I don’t also know if you’re ready to deal with what may come afterward. If I have to do it today, it would be my very first time.”

He pulled off a little as if what I said had shocked him. He said, “You’re not serious, are you?” I smiled. He repeated the question. I responded, “I won’t lie to you for anything.”

He got up from the sofa, went to the fridge to pick a drink, and instead of returning to where he was sitting next to me, he chose another seat far from me. I asked, “Did I say something wrong? Your behavior has changed?” He shook his head while sipping his drink. We spent the rest of the day in silence. Once in a while, he would look at me and I would look back at him. That was the day everything changed. 

He stopped calling like he used to. He stopped texting like he used to. The gap between us keeps widening. I would send a message in the morning and get a response in the afternoon if I’m lucky. When I ask if everything is alright, I get the same response, “Everything is fine. There’s nothing to worry about.”

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Everything is fine but everything is changed. How can it be fine when he doesn’t talk to me like he used to? Anytime I tell him I’m coming around to his place, he would give me a thousand excuses why I shouldn’t come. So one Saturday afternoon, I went there without prior notice. When I was on my way, I called his phone but he didn’t pick up. When I got there his phone was in his hand and he was pressing it. It meant he had seen my call but intentionally didn’t respond. We had a very long conversation. I wanted to know our way forward.

“Does my inexperience bothers you in any way?”

“No. Why would I allow something this petty to bother me?”

“So why are you behaving this way?” 

“How am I behaving? It’s just that I’ve been busy.”

“You’ve never spoken to me while pressing your phone. Today you’re doing it. Why is it hard for you to look at me in the eyes now? What’s going on in your head? Feel free and tell me everything.”

Silent….

“Or you think I won’t do it if you ask for it? I’m ready. I only felt it was wise to inform you before anything.”

Silent…

I thought things would change after that conversation but nothing had changed. We are still at the same stage where he talks to me less and behaves like nothing else matters. Not knowing what to do is hard. His behavior gets me confused. I don’t know whether to move on or stay around a bit. I’m caught in limbo, especially when I haven’t done anything to deserve this cold attitude. Can someone explain to me what is going on? Is there something he’s not telling me? Is there something wrong with being inexperienced in these things? I’m worried.