His aunty asked me, “Go and ask your husband if he is ready to eat so that I can serve him.” We had just arrived at his hometown to see his mother, who just returned from hajj. His aunty was dishing out food for everyone, and she wanted to do it once and for all, so she asked me to find out.
I was standing close to him as he was greeting a few relatives when I asked him. Three times I called out his name, “Issah, Issah, Issah.” He turned sharply to look at me. “What is it?” he said in a very harsh tone that managed to draw people’s attention to us. Everyone was clearly looking at me. I still went ahead to ask him the question, then walked over with disappointment and shame hanging over my head to the kitchen.
If there is anything most embarrassing I have ever had to face, it will be that exact moment. In the kitchen, helping the women with the food, I felt an itch that only understanding why my husband will think it is appropriate to talk to me like that will stop. What at all warranted that kind of disrespect?
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I couldn’t even wait to have a private moment with him, so I sent him a text message even as we were sitting together dining with the family: “Issah, why did you speak to me like that? I didn’t appreciate it. Even if I have wronged you, you could have found a better way to express your anger, not in front of your family.”
He replied, “We teach our daughters to not interrupt people when they are talking, but this is what you are doing.” I said, “But you were only exchanging greetings, and your aunty was waiting for an answer. I really do not like the way you speak to me. Find a way around it. I am your wife.”
I was really angry with how he handled the whole situation. What hurt me most was that instead of acknowledging how embarrassed I felt, he turned it around and made it seem like I was the one at fault. Sadly, this is not the first time this has happened. Whenever I try to express how I feel, I often end up feeling blamed instead of understood.
Since that day, we haven’t had a normal conversation. It has been over a month. We only speak when it is about the children or something necessary around the house. There is no affection or intimacy.
This is not the first time he has gone days without talking to me. Many times I would ask him what was wrong, and he would stay silent. In the end, I was usually the one who tried to fix things, even when I felt I was not the one at fault. I was always the one to break the silence and restore peace.
I do not feel emotionally safe expressing myself to him anymore. I do not feel that deep emotional love, care, or connection that I long for in a marriage. Whenever I complain about how I feel, he says I am not appreciative.
I used to be a lover girl. Words of affirmation meant everything to me. Physical touch came naturally to me. I was affectionate, expressive, and full of love. Now I sometimes look at myself and wonder, what happened to me? I feel like I have slowly lost that part of myself.
I am not thinking of leaving my marriage today, but if it continues like this, someday I may. I am emotionally exhausted. I do not want to keep being the one who always fixes things while my own feelings are left unheard.
My husband is 34 and I am 31, so I do not think it is a matter of age difference at all. Or responsibilities too. We both have well-paying jobs, and I have a small business I run on the side, which he himself supported me in funding. He is the main contributor to the family, but when anything is needed, I put my cards on the table too.
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He is also a very present father to our two children. He is involved in school runs, takes care of them, and is present in their lives. If I am sick or admitted to the hospital, even for weeks, he is there, helping me take my drugs, bathing me when necessary, taking walks with me in the hospital to get energy, even going as far as staying the night with me on the same bed until I am discharged.
It doesn’t end at the hospital. He stays by me until I am fit and going again. A husband who involves me in decisions and asks for my opinion. I am sharing this because I want to be fair. I do not think he is a bad man or a bad husband. He has many good qualities.
However, I have been struggling emotionally in my marriage. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Has anyone else experienced something similar? Help me make my marriage better
— Habibata
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There’s something called the 80/20 in marriage. 80% good and 20% bad.
You don’t throw away the 80% percent because 20% is missing. You may end up regretting. Exchanging greetings is very important aspect of our culture. As he said, when people are talking, you don’t interrupt. You could have just told your aunty he’s busy so you will ask him when he’s done. It doesn’t excuse his behaviour.
@MINE, I always look out for your comment because we seem to think alike.
I strongly suggest you read the book” how to make friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie.
@ Peter………It’s nice when you find someone who sees things the way you do.
In all, you are the one carrying things over the board, you are obviously not getting younger in marriage, don’t feel entitlement, don’t feel you are GenZ.
Take things as it comes and move on, learn also to take corrections and remove entitlement from your thinking.
I really felt this and I really remembered some things I done being through!
And to the men, sometimes learn that “the head of the house” does not mean misconduct yourself against the women in your lives.
When it gets dark, sometimes you mums and your friends and your relatives may not be there, it is these same women!
You guys out there, should learn to put your prides aside and apologise. A simple, it was an oversight, forgive me…kills everything! D not win a war and lose a partner!
Men, sometimes, let us see ourselves as human and treat the women as humans too!
My story lol though one or two r off. The deed is done but for the rest of future reference n probably being educated, u excuse yourselves n speak to him in private or better still tell his Aunt or whosever that he’s busy n will attend to him later….
Since u are or were fair about his goodies as well tells u to still put ur pride aside n solve this time round again cuz u realised u r the one hurting.
I’ve stopped cuz myn is way bigger cuz he’s EMOTIONAL NARCISSIST paaa.
We r living as co parents in same house, same everything n I hated @ 1st but I’m very much happier before.
You n I aint n can’t be same but ur happiness matters so will advice you to write the wrongs n if ur hubby makes peace with u in understanding n also apologise for his actions then I tell u, u r faaaarrr better in ur best of marriage.