A year after we got married, we thought children would come, but they did not. The one that came died just two weeks after birth, while receiving care at the NICU at Korle Bu. We grieved, mourned, and comforted ourselves with hope, something to make the pain less painful.

“The baby wanted us to enjoy our marriage a little before she brings her trouble, so let’s enjoy our marriage and see what God will do.”

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The third year came to pass, fifth year, seventh year. Today, we are nine years married, and not even a child’s cry has been heard in our house.

Since after the loss of our baby, I have gotten pregnant a couple of times, many times. It will bring joy to our hearts. We will sleep cuddling each other almost to death and wake up to see blood stains. Sometimes, in the bathroom while taking a bath, it dashes out and lays on the floor, as if to say, “Hellooo, it is a prank.” Almost every conception has ended in miscarriage.

We have visited several hospitals and consulted different doctors. I have undergone an ovarian cyst surgery and tried fertility medications and different treatments. I can sometimes become pregnant two or three times in a year, but the pregnancies keep ending in miscarriage.

My most recent pregnancy was particularly painful. My gynaecologist made a plan and assured me that this one would stay. We both spoke life and existence into it. To guide the plan, I made the hospital my second home and was placed on complete bed rest, but guess who lost the pregnancy at exactly 13 weeks? Me.

I have visited pastors, seen prophets, gone to see traditional men, and seen the best doctors in the best hospitals. They sing hopes and assure me that I too will be a mother, but none of those words have come to pass.

Our doctors say we are perfectly okay, so we should try more sex, hope more, pray to our God more, and it will happen. That sounds like a fairy tale to me now after nine good years.

When does this misery end? When will it end? Until I am grey and old? Or is God trying to make me a Sarah? What at all is the point of it all? I keep losing my babies, not even getting a chance to hold them and take them home.

At this point, I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. There is so much tension in my marriage, and now I feel like leaving the marriage. A part of me even wonders whether things would somehow change if I were no longer married. I honestly don’t know what to think anymore.

I have now stopped taking fertility medications because I feel completely exhausted from everything I have been through.

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I am not looking for judgment or blame. I am already carrying so much pain in my heart. I just need hope, understanding, and perhaps guidance on what else I can do or where else I can seek help. If you have any words of encouragement, give them to me. God knows I need it.

—Diana

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