I had a son when I was in school. The lady got pregnant and didn’t tell me. Because I was in school, I didn’t see her often. The pregnancy was almost six months old before she informed me. She said she didn’t want to tell me because I was in school. I argued with her. I believed the pregnancy wasn’t mine until she had a son and we did a DNA test to prove I was the father.

Because of all the stress and bitter words we exchanged, we couldn’t see eye to eye when it was finally confirmed I was the father. Her family set out a huge amount for me to pay. When I couldn’t pay, they made the issue a court case. Eventually, we brought the case home to settle, and since then, I have had to pay her a certain amount every month. When the boy is sick, I pay. When there’s something I have to pay for, she always exaggerates the figures.

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I grew weary, so I told myself I would marry the woman I love and then bring the boy to live with me so I could cut the mother off. The woman I’m dating currently knows about the whole story. She helped me a lot when it came to paying my boy’s fees and sending the monthly child support. She would call to remind me to pay, and when I had the chance to be with my son, I ensured my girlfriend was also there so the two could get along fine.

We started talking about marriage last year, and as part of the discussion, I told her I would bring my son home to live with us, and she agreed. She even suggested doing that would cut the mother off so the two of us would enjoy our marriage.

While preparing to marry, I brought my boy home to live with my mom while we went around looking for a place we could live comfortably. In January this year, we got married in a beautiful ceremony she called her best day on earth. Unfortunately for us, we couldn’t get a place before we got married, so for close to three months, we were still living apart.

When we got a place to live, it took us a while to put the place together. She moved in first, and then I followed with my son. Right when we arrived, she told me that wasn’t the plan. My boy ought to go back to my mom for a few months so we could enjoy our marriage. I didn’t agree. To me, we’d talked about it and had agreed, so why was she shifting the goalpost?

It turned into a huge argument, which I think affected the boy’s stability, so for the sake of his mental health, I took him back to my mom so we could talk about it again and agree. I asked why we couldn’t enjoy our marriage while the boy was with us. I asked why she was changing her mind when that had been the agreement. She said we needed alone time, but for how long, she couldn’t tell.

I gave her a month, and then it became two and then three months. Later, she told me she ought to be pregnant first before the boy could come and live with us. It looked to me like she was just changing the goalpost for changing’s sake, so I fought back. My mom was also on my neck, wanting to know why I hadn’t come for the boy.

I pleaded with my wife to accept the boy so we could take it from there. She said no. I talked to her calmly. I spoke to her with many assurances that we were going to be fine. She still said no, so I had to be the man who took decisions men take. I went to my mom, packed everything belonging to the boy and brought him home. My wife told me, “I should have known you weren’t in it for love. You were only looking for a mother for your son.”

The next day, she picked a few things and left the house to stay with her parents. I decided not to fight it, but as the days went by, it became difficult for me to care for my son all alone. So I went to her parents and discussed the issue with them, how it started and how we talked about it even before we got married. It was at that moment I realized my wife’s parents supported my wife. Her mom said, “The male fowl doesn’t walk with its chickens, so why are you trying to be different? Why can’t his mom do that work so you’ll enjoy your young marriage?”

I felt deceived and left in the middle of nothing. Yes, I can send my son back to his mother, but my marriage wouldn’t know peace again. I will have to split my income between two, and that wouldn’t augur well for the financial safety of my family. My wife doesn’t understand this simple thing, and it’s the reason our young marriage is in limbo.

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She says she’s never coming back until the boy leaves. I could have sent the boy to my mom, but my mom doesn’t have the time to take care of a child. She has her own life to live and plans to execute. I even begged her to keep him for a year. She said she couldn’t. I don’t want to send my boy away. It doesn’t even look good for the relationship I have with him. “That dad chose marriage over me when I was young?”

If you were in my situation, what would you have done? Let my marriage go stale for the safety of my son or let my son go to keep a happy marriage?

—Kaleb     

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