My friendship with Ama was incredibly deep. We connected emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. She was exactly what I was looking for in the woman I would spend the rest of my life with. I often mentioned it to her in passing. I knew she liked me too, but she had plans to travel abroad for greener pastures. 

Regardless, I asked her to be my girlfriend before she travelled abroad. We agreed that we will find a way to make the relationship work despite the long distance. And we did try. She was busy, and so was I, but we made time for each other. I am sure we could have survived it if it hadn’t been for my pastor. He was the one who advised me not to pursue a committed relationship with someone who lived abroad.

“Those relationships rarely work. Break it off and find someone close to you to marry,” he counselled. 

He is my spiritual father. I didn’t want to disobey him. So, although it broke my heart, I ended my relationship with Ama. While I was grieving the loss of our relationship, I met Lydia. First, it was her beauty that reeled me in. Then, when I got close to her, I found out she had just lost her sisters in a tragic accident. This tugged at my heartstrings.

I became the shoulder she leaned on. She also became my listening ear. We found comfort in each other. That was the kind of bond that led me to believe we belonged together. We didn’t take time to get to know each other outside our grief. We just hurriedly got married. 

Now, it’s four years into the marriage, and I am now coming to terms with the fact that I have never been in love with Lydia. Truth be told, I have never felt attracted to her physically. Throughout our marriage, I turned down her advances for intimacy. When she complained, I told her, “I am just not a sexual person. My libido has always been low.”

Meanwhile, I’ve been sexually active outside the marriage. She didn’t know this at first. Sometimes I even stayed out late so she would be asleep by the time I was home. That way I wouldn’t get intimate with her.

When I avoided her for so long, she suggested we go for couples counselling. I agreed. I felt I needed help to feel connected to her, so why not? I was committed to the counselling, but it didn’t do much. I tried my best, but I still didn’t feel anything for her. 

I struggle to get my thing up when I touch her, yet I’ve had multiple hookups. Even when Ama came to Ghana for a short while, I got together with her and we did things. Now, there is a bigger problem on my plate.

I started an affair recently with a woman who has become dear to my heart. Her name is Esi. she doesn’t know that I am still married. Right from the beginning, I told her Lydia and I were separated. “We are yet to finalise the divorce. And nothing will prevent it. There is no way I am going back to her,” I assured her. 

She believed me. That’s how she allowed her heart to fall for me. She gave me everything: mind, body, and soul. Now, she is pregnant with my child.

She wants to keep the baby. She is asking me to marry her so we can start a life together. I haven’t told her yes. But honestly, I want everything she wants. Unlike with Lydia, I feel strongly connected to Esi. My affection and physical attraction come naturally. 

I feel strongly that I should start a new chapter with her. What we share feels honest and beautiful, except for the lie I told her from the start. She still doesn’t know the truth but now Lydia knows. No, she didn’t find out by accident. It was I who sat her down and confessed everything to her. I just felt too burdened by sneaking around and hiding my true feelings for her.

She was hurt but she hasn’t left me. She is putting in extra efforts to rebuild our bond. Sadly, it’s not working. I am still very much unattached to her.

“Let’s go back to therapy.”

I said okay. She even goes alone on the side. She has been patient and understanding with me in every way but I just can’t bring myself to reciprocate the love she deserves.

Divorce has come up in our conversations. Sometimes she’s open to it, other times she still holds onto hope. But I know deep down: I don’t love her. And that hasn’t changed.

Now my questions are:

  1. Is divorce the right path given the emotional damage and my inability to love my wife? 
  2. How should I navigate co-parenting (both with Esi and with Lydia) and address the legal and moral weight of my deception? 
  3. What steps can I take to heal, reflect, and be honest before starting over with Esi?

I am stating that I take full accountability for my actions. I know I’ve caused pain and confusion. But I need guidance from people who can offer objective and thoughtful perspectives.

– James