We have started talking about marriage, and at this point, it is about 80 percent of what we talk about. Recently, we got to the topic of names. We talked about the names we would like to give our children, and somehow the conversation circled back to me taking his surname after we get married.
He says it is a must.
“That is how it is done. People before you have done it. It is not an old thing,”
“Just because it is not new doesn’t mean I should do it,” I replied.
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The truth is, I don’t want to. I don’t want to give up my father’s name and take his instead. If he is thinking about preserving his family legacy, what about my father’s legacy too? Doesn’t that matter?
This disagreement has created a rift between the two of us.
I am beginning to look at this situation from a different perspective. What if this is happening so I can really see the kind of man he is beneath everything else? It feels like this is about more than just a disagreement over a name.
What if we get married and he always insists on having things his way? That would mean I am dealing with someone who is controlling, and that scares me. Marriage is something I want to do once and forever. I don’t want to ignore something now only to regret it later.
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So I want to ask, when a woman gets married, is changing her surname and taking her husband’s surname a personal choice, or is it something she must do?
Also, if a man insists that his partner should change her surname to his after marriage, is that something that should be considered a red flag?
—Seli
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There are bigger battles in marriage my sister. This is nothing. You are just making a mountain out of a mole hill.
You can add your husband’s name to your dad’s. Just discuss it with him or plead with him to reach a compromise.
It’s not everything you must insist or fight about.
We are doing 12 years in December I am still using my father’s name. This is not an issue you should fuss about there is more to marry than a change of name
In Islam, this is so important that Allah orders this ‘When you marry, let your women (wife) retain the names of their fathers honourably”. And so when Allah orders something, no muslim is supposed to have a different opinion about it. So in islam, women still use their father’s names even after marriage.
You cant say you want to use your husband’s name. So when my wife mentioned that she will like to use my name after marriage, i declined it absolutely.
OK, so from what I learnt from counselling, you can’t use “Mrs.” On any document without your husband’s name.
Why are you worried about your father’s legacy when the kids will have your husband’s name? His father’s genealogy will continue with the kids.
Your husband is forcing which is a big red flag 🚩. Though this is not that much of an issue. You can choose to add it or not. But think deep into it and critically where you include the future too.
It’s not compulsory. You can add it and add your dad’s name. You are not the 1 to continue his family but his kids