My husband and I have always been very open with each other about our expectations, contributions, finances, vision for the future, and even the names we wanted to give our children since we started dating. During those times, if we disagreed on something, we made sure to find a middle ground where his needs and wants were understood, just as mine were.

By the time I got married, I had certainty in my heart that we had extensively discussed and settled the most important things that could make or break a marriage. You know, those little things couples sometimes fail to discuss until they get married, only for them to become major sources of conflict. Hmm. We literally had a script, but my husband has overturned everything in a way I never saw coming. And honestly, I don’t even know how to feel about it.

Let’s start with finances. My husband says I should give him my entire salary because he is the head of the house and all the money should come from him. This was never something we discussed while dating.

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Then there is the issue of relocating. Before we got married, he told me about his plans to travel outside the country. I was very transparent with him about where I stood. I told him, “I don’t have plans of moving outside the country, not today or tomorrow. I want to build my life here and raise my family here. That abroad dream is not for me. I will only travel for holidays or business trips. If relocating is something you really want, then we can go our separate ways.” He went back and made the decision to bury his dream of travelling abroad.

My husband earns very well. In fact, my combined salary for six months is equivalent to what he earns in one month. He also enjoys benefits such as free healthcare and other privileges. Who leaves these kinds of opportunities to go and start from scratch in another man’s city?

Some months after we got married, he began talking about travelling, dropping hints here and there until he eventually said the words: he wants to leave the country, whether I like it or not. We have been married for almost a year now, and I am exhausted.

It turns out, and I don’t even know what led him to confess, that he had lied to me when we were dating and discussing these things. According to him, “I knew that if I didn’t bend, you wouldn’t marry me, so I agreed. But now that we are married, you are under my authority, and whatever I say goes.”

I actually shook when I heard him say that. Even something as simple as choosing names for our children was never settled. He only pretended to agree with me. He has his own plans, and according to him, things will go exactly as he wants.

My biggest concern right now is his decision to relocate. It seems that dream is something he is not willing to let go of. But if he relocates, I don’t see how we can have a child or build the family we planned together. I am confused because I honestly don’t know what he wants anymore. Sometimes, the things he says make me feel like he is preparing to leave the marriage, like he wants to divorce me.

The way my life is supposed to go, divorce isn’t part of it. Neither is relocating. It was never part of my plans either. It is not that Ghana is the best place to live, but there is a certain kind of freedom and independence you enjoy here that you may not necessarily experience in someone else’s country.

Right now, I feel betrayed and hurt. I am beginning to realise that the man I married may have only been pretending to agree with me all along.

I want to understand something about marriage. Do men usually discuss major decisions with their wives before making them, or do they simply make their own decisions and expect their wives to follow?

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I know my husband seeks the opinion of people when making big decisons. He will talk to his colleagues and friends about things, but when it comes to decisions that directly affect our marriage and future, he thinks that because he is the man, his word is final and one. Where do I go from here? What do I do?

—DEDE

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