When we started talking, I didn’t know she had a child. We talked for a while, emotions developed, and words were formed. Just before I was about to propose, she told me she had a son. “Just so you don’t feel lied to or led on, I have a six-year-old son,” she said.

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It didn’t bother me much. I’d come to know her, and I thought she was a complete woman. We ended up talking about how she had the child and did not marry the father of her son. It was a long story. I asked where the man was, and she told me he was around and swore he wouldn’t be a problem to us at all because they had both moved on.

Once that was out of the way, I proposed to her, and she accepted for us to start dating. She didn’t have anyone helping her when it came to her son, so she came with him often when she had to visit me. The son called me uncle, and I called him my son.

After a while, she asked me to help her get someone to take care of the child. “So I can come to you freely and also let him have an independent life,” she told me. I agreed to help, thinking she needed me to help her find someone. I told my mom about it, and a few days later, there was someone ready to help.

I told her my mom had found someone for her, and she said, “Oh, I already have someone I’ve worked with before. What I asked for was help to get the person paid.”

The fact that I misunderstood her faded into the background. I asked, “You mean I should pay for that monthly?” She responded, “No, that’s not what I mean, but it’s alright.” I probed. I asked her to make me understand until she repeated that she needed my help to pay the babysitter. I told her I didn’t have the money to do that, but as time went on, maybe I could help.

She demanded the money as if it was her monthly salary and I was not paying it. She even gave my number to the babysitter to call me and demand the money. I got angry. I asked her, “Why are you leaving the father out of this conversation and making it look like I’m the one to bear the responsibility?”

She got angry. She said I had promised her, and it was needless for me to bring the father into the conversation. “Didn’t I know he was there when I came to you for help? Don’t promise what you can’t deliver. Simple.”

The next demand was again financial support because she had used all her money to pay the child’s school fees. Again, I asked, “Why are you doing it alone when you can talk to the father to help or even take him to court to pay child support?” She told me I shouldn’t bring the man into conversations again because anytime I did that, I reminded her of her past hurt and trauma she went through.

I helped when I could. I bought groceries for her monthly. I gave her some money also, but only when I had it. I didn’t go to work one day because I was not feeling well. It wasn’t an intense feeling, but it was enough to make me stay away from work. She called to ask me to attend the child’s PTA and even sent me a list of things I should talk about while there. “I told you I was sick, but you want me to do that? Where am I going to borrow that strength to do it?”

This generated a long silent treatment and funny accusations that I ignored. When she finally decided to come around, I told her we should have a conversation about her son so we could set boundaries and also define how far I come in when it comes to the boy.

The conversation didn’t end well because I insisted she bring the father in since she was struggling to do it alone. “Before you came into my life, I was doing it on my own without him. You don’t have to tell me what to do just because I ask for favors from you. Am I not your girlfriend? What’s wrong if you help me?”

She sounded very entitled and very annoying, but I loved her. We let it go and pretended we knew what to do next to avoid conflict. We’ve dated for two years. The boy is almost eight years old now. Slowly, he’s growing to occupy a space in our relationship. We can’t do without him. I’ve done what I could when it comes to him, but going forward, I want something serious. I want us to talk about marriage, but not until I know the boy’s place in our marriage.

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I want the father to take charge of the boy’s life and pay for what a father should pay for. It doesn’t have to be verbal. It should be legal, and I also want to see consistency in that direction before I commit to marriage. Of course, I can do the little things, but not the heavy lifting when the father is alive and kicking. If she doesn’t agree to do that, I will quietly walk out of the relationship and start again somewhere else.

Am I asking for too much? Sometimes I feel like she’s right not to bring the man into her life. I feel she’s doing that to protect our relationship, but I also feel that when the boundary lines are clear, it’s hard to overstep them. Or am I being delusional?

—Donkor

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