When I asked her if she was single, she told me she was and, in fact, had been single for over two years. She told me guys come and go without her dating them but that she was currently talking to quite a few guys who wanted to date her. I made jokes about it and told her to tell those guys that they were late because I had taken over.

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That was even before she accepted my proposal. I kept seeing her every day to prove how committed I was to the process. She also made things easy for me. When I needed her, she was available. Even when I asked her to visit for the first time, she only said, “Send me your location.”

A few hours later, she was at my doorstep. That day, I believed she was really into me so I put all my cards on the table for her. I told her how I’d wanted to date her and settle down with her as soon as possible.

She told me, “You don’t need to worry. I’m always there for you.”

I asked if that meant she had accepted my proposal and she answered, “Why would I be here if I hadn’t?”

I tried to kiss her and she gently pulled away. She told me, “We haven’t gotten there yet.”

I understood she wanted to take her time with me since the whole relationship was new. We talked every day and met whenever we were both available. Later, I realized she was also talking to other guys. She didn’t hide it from me though. Within a month, I realized there were three names of men she mentioned most often. I would ask if she was home and she would tell me she was with Solo.

“Who is Solo?”

And she would answer, “Oh, he’s a friend.”

If it wasn’t Solo, it was Martin or Daniel. Every day one of these names popped up. I started probing, trying to know what was going on and then she told me, “When we met, I told you I was talking to some people, right? Yeah, those names are the people.”

I was a little dismayed. “You’re talking to them? For what?”

She answered, “Nothing really. They are still interested in me just like you are but there’s nothing serious.”

According to her, those men are good friends and they had shown good signs and great companionship. She was therefore keeping them around until she saw something serious from them.

I asked, “I thought when you said yes to me, the rest would be let go.”

She answered, “Yeah, I’ve let them go. That’s why they are just friends.”

The whole thing was as confusing as life itself. But as time went on, she made it clear that until I showed something concrete from my side, those guys would be hanging around because they were good guys. If you listen to her carefully, she’s seeing the guys too but not on serious terms until one of us makes a serious move.

We’ve dated for three months now and everything is quite clear the way she wants to run this relationship. So I asked her if I could also keep a woman on the side in case we didn’t amount to anything and she said, “It’s your choice. As far as you don’t engage them intimately, I’m fine. And also there should be respect between us while you do it.”

She doesn’t allow sex or anything intimate. She tells me she’s not doing that with any of the guys so she doesn’t see any reason she should do it with me.

“I’m your boyfriend. I proposed and you said yes so that should set the bar for me.”

Nothing I say makes sense to her. I understand she wants assurances at her age but is this the right way to go about it—dating me and seeing three other guys? Yes, she hasn’t been intimate with me but how can I trust beyond measure that she’s not doing it with the three other guys?

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I want to back out before it gets to a point I don’t like. I’m a jealous person and prefer someone to choose me rather than place me on probation. She, on the other hand, thinks I have a better chance because I’m the one she truly loves. I only have to be the one to make the right moves. Right moves in terms of marriage.

Isn’t she psychologically pushing me to start something I might not be ready for? Is marriage a race that you have to win?

Maybe I’m overthinking this but what do you think? Is this a healthy kind of relationship?

—Sasa 

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