When I asked, “Is that how things are supposed to be?” all I wanted to know was if I was asking for too much. I don’t want to be the wife who asks for more than she deserves. I didn’t want to upset my husband into thinking that I wanted more than he was required to give. That’s why I asked that question.

My question came from a place of confusion because I know what family means. The day we agreed to stay as a husband and wife, we automatically signed a bond of oneness. What’s his is mine and what’s mine is his. I was afraid his action was fracturing the skull of our marriage. So I asked the question “Am I expecting too much from my husband.”

Most of the people in the comment want to know where the father of my daughter is so let me tell you.

When I was dating the father of my daughter, Charles, my parents had concerns. Especially when after four years he hadn’t made a move to marry me. My dad linked me to his friend’s son who was abroad and asked me to marry him. I objected. Because I didn’t want to hide anything from Charles, I told him what my father was doing.

He didn’t believe me. He thought it was my way of pushing him into marrying me when he wasn’t ready. He asked questions about the abroad guy and I told him everything I knew about him. He asked, “Do you love him?” I answered, “If the answer to this question was a yes, I wouldn’t be standing here with you.”

I thought he believed me.

I didn’t want to upset my dad so I played along hoping the guy would realize my disdain for him and go away. The guy didn’t leave me alone until one day he came to Ghana. As silly as I was, I told Charles about it. He asked, “So you’ll go and see him?” I answered, “My dad wants me to go with him to meet the guy so I’ll but when we return, I’ll tell my dad I don’t like the guy and that would be the end.”

I thought he believed me.

I went with my dad to meet this gentleman. He brought me dresses that a bride would wear. I thanked him but when we left, I told my dad I couldn’t date him. My dad didn’t talk to me for more than one month. My mom called me a fool. My brother said Charles had used “For girls” on me because he couldn’t see what was in Charles that I couldn’t let go. The only support I had in my family came from my younger sister. Even she came to wrap her hand around my neck and whispered, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

A month after this incident, I found out that I was pregnant. I was sad and happy at the same time. Sad because I wanted to wear a wedding gown before a child. Happy because I thought the pregnancy would push Charles to marry me.

When I told Charles about he shook his head and said, “You made the abroad guy impregnate you and you want to bring it to me? We’ve been together for four years, you never got pregnant so why now? You think I’m a fool?”

He pulled the calendar from the wall and started counting the days from the day we last had sex. He concluded, “You were even in your safe period when we got intimate. This can’t be me.”

He made me a laughingstock in my family. My dad felt vindicated. My mom laughed at me. She reminded me of what I’d missed in the abroad guy, “ You let a big chance slip because of this human you call a boyfriend?”

My brother confronted Charles and it turned into a physical fight. My brother beat him but he couldn’t beat him into acceptance of the pregnancy. I bore the shame and swore that Charles would never be a part of my life again.

I had a good job. I was in a comfortable financial standing to look after myself so I wasn’t worried. Plus I had a family who blamed me for everything that was wrong and yet supported me with their sweat and blood.

When I gave birth, Charles came around when the baby was one month old. He said, “For us to remove every reasonable doubt from our heads and be sure that the baby is mine, I want us to run a paternity test. If she’s mine, I’ll take her.”

I nearly poured water on him. My dad held me by the hand and stopped me. I drove him out and warned him never to lay claim on the child again. “Charles you can record this. I’m telling you today that this child is not yours. I lied when I said it was yours. You’re not the father today or tomorrow. I made her alone. All by myself.”

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That was the last of me and the father of my child. When my daughter was one year old, I moved to my father’s house in town because the tenants left the house. I went with my younger sister. We lived together until I met this man who later became my husband. He knew everything about my daughter because I told him right from the start and that gave him the light to also talk about his son.

He works with a mining firm so they travel a lot. A few months before marriage, they had a contract and he travelled. He came for the wedding and later went back to his station. When the contract was finally done, he and his son moved in with me. My younger sister had to leave so we could begin our family together.

Apart from the fee incident, our marriage has been problem-free. And let me also clear this. I’m able to take care of my daughter without his support. I was doing that long before he came into my life. I’m only wishing he could pay for both so it would solidify the essence of our bond. Family is family. There’s no segregation. He picking his son out to settle his fees makes me feel like he’s hurting the thread that runs through us as a family. He’s a great man. If he was a bad person, his attitude wouldn’t have surprised me. I’m like, “Why would he not know this simple thing? Or I’m the one who expects too much?”

A lot of the comments also suggested that we should communicate. We talk a lot but we haven’t been able to talk about this because I wasn’t sure. Currently, he’s not here with us. He’s on a project. What even pushed me to ask the question was the fact that he could pay his son’s fees through the school’s bank account without considering my daughter. Then he would call to tell me he had paid his fees.

When he comes home, we’ll talk about it, now that I know it’s within my legitimate right to ask. Maybe he doesn’t think it’s wrong or maybe he thinks I have enough to be able to pay for my daughter. Whatever the reason is, I’m the one who’s worried so I’ll talk about it with him.

We are not fighting and I didn’t mean to put women who went into marriage with a child in a bad light. As someone commented, “That’s why I’ll never marry a woman who has a child.” Being a single mom makes you humble. It takes you through hurdles that grow your heart to appreciate little things from a man who isn’t the father of your child.

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I’m not a lazy woman who sits in a rocking chair and demands what’s not hers. And I don’t feel entitled that my husband has to take care of my daughter. I feel it’s right in the spirit of oneness to treat what we have as one before we start making our own kids. That is why I was worried but now I’m fine.

—Pinamang

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