My Brother Says We Must Pay for His Wedding Because He’s the Eldest

We are four children, and I’m the third-born. I’m the first to get married among our siblings. I had a good job early, and to help me settle in life and make better decisions, I decided to marry. I was twenty-eight. My elder brother kicked against my marriage because he said I was going to waste my money on a woman. I didn’t listen to him. Even my dad didn’t support me initially, but when he realized I wasn’t going to listen to him, he agreed for me to get married.

To date, my elder brother doesn’t relate very well with my wife. It might be out of shame because he didn’t want me to marry my wife. Or it could be just that he’s still bitter about the fact that I went ahead to marry when he had said no. But this story is not about my brother and my wife. It’s about my brother and his entitlement.

My brother got a woman pregnant and fought tooth and nail to deny the pregnancy. My dad supported him in denying the pregnancy. When the lady gave birth, I didn’t know what came over my brother. He went to my dad and told him that indeed, he was the father of the child. My dad followed him to go and name the child.

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Two years later, he impregnated a young nurse who had come to town to work. We all believed he was going to marry the nurse. We were wrong. He denied the pregnancy, and this denial turned into a war. The nurse’s brothers came to our house to confront him, and it turned into a fight. My dad was hurt during the fracas, and he ended up in the hospital for days.

The nurse gave birth, and my brother went to accept the pregnancy again. This time, my dad didn’t follow him to go and do the naming ceremony, so my brother called me, and I followed him. He was going to see the family empty-handed, so on our way, I told him we should enter a shop and buy something for the child and the mom, at least.

He didn’t pay a penny for the shopping. I paid for everything. After the naming ceremony, I expected him to say thank you, but he ignored me. He would call me once in a while and say, “The mothers of my kids are sucking me dry. Could you please send me something small? Anything at all.”

I would send him money, and he wouldn’t even call to say thank you. The next time I would hear from him again would be about money. It was either one of his children had been sick and he had spent all his money, or one of the mothers was threatening to take him to court.

Whenever he called, I contributed what I could and told him I would pray for him. He has a job, but his salary can’t support that kind of lifestyle.

Last year, my younger sister got married. Before the marriage, my dad put it on our family platform that we should contribute some amount to support our sister. It was only me and my other sibling who ended up contributing money to our sister. My elder brother didn’t contribute anything. When my dad asked him on the platform about his contribution, he responded, “I have two children and their mothers to take care of. If Sandra can’t marry without my contribution, then she should stop. No one is forcing her to get married.”

Sandra was deeply hurt. She didn’t need a large amount from him. Even a small gesture would have shown that he cared. My elder brother didn’t even attempt to apologize. During the wedding, he brought his friends and took charge of the drinks. He served very few, while he stole some to take home and drank the rest with his friends.

One early morning, I woke up and saw that he had posted on the page that he was going to get married, so we should contribute to help. My younger sister replied with a laughing emoji. My other sibling also did the same. I didn’t even respond to it.

Days later, he sent us the whole budget for his wedding on the page, split it into four and shared it among us. Then he added, “Your elder brother is getting married. You have to make me feel that indeed, I’m the elder. You can pay in instalments. That’s also fine.”

Nobody responded. He shared save-the-date photos on the page. I don’t know the lady, but according to my dad, they had gone to meet the lady’s family. My brother started calling each of us one after the other, asking us to pay the money as if it were money we owed him. Two weeks before the wedding, he came to post on the page, “Why are you guys trying to embarrass me? I owe people. They are coming after me, but you guys aren’t helping. Or am I no longer your elder brother?”

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He mentioned my name and said he was shocked about my behavior because I hadn’t picked up his calls. After that text, I called my other siblings on a conference call, and everyone said they were not going to pay a penny. If he’s not ready to get married, he should stop.

My dad called us, begging us to send our brother something because he had started selling anything he could lay his hands on. It’s annoying the way he’s making us pay for his wedding when he didn’t do the same when it was my sister’s turn or my turn. I told my dad I had nothing to pay but would attend the wedding. My other two siblings also said the same, and my dad is on his knees.

Do you think a brother like my brother deserves that kind of support from us? I don’t mind sending him something, but he’s very ungrateful and also very entitled. For someone who doesn’t support any of us when it’s our turn, does he deserve our support?

—Bentum  

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