The wedding is only six months away, in February and I am already getting cold feet. I honestly feel like running away before I go and put my head into a fire I can already feel burning. I keep asking myself if I am making the biggest mistake of my life or if I am allowing fear to take away something that could still work. Can what we have work?
My fiancé and I have been dating for almost one year and four months. One thing I noticed about him very early in our relationship was the kind of spirit he carried. To me, it was a very ugly and terrible thing: a strong, unforgiving spirit.
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My boyfriend is not the kind of person who allows someone to wrong him and go free. Even 10 years later, he can come back for revenge. He does not play with it. He keeps people in his thoughts and prayers, asking destiny to bring them back to his feet so that he can show them how much they have wronged him.
If I offend him, it takes days, or sometimes even longer depending on what I did, before he forgives me. For example, if I promise to visit him during the weekend and something happens that prevents me from going, I may not hear from him for days afterwards.
Even when we disagree about certain decisions, he goes quiet and withdraws, then comes back later acting as if everything is normal without actually addressing what happened.
But what worries me the most is how he handles issues with other people. Ei, that one is the worst of them all.
When he has problems with strangers, he does not let things go easily. He holds on to those situations for a very long time. It is like he keeps those people in his mind and continues replaying what happened.
Sometimes, he will sit down with his thoughts and even say things out loud like, “I will do this to him,” or “I will do that to him.”
Whenever I hear those things, it worries me because I start wondering what happens when the person who hurts him is not a stranger but someone close to him. What happens when the person is me?
I have tried my best. I have invested so much of myself into trying to help him, not because I think I can change him, but because when you love someone with such a difficult character, the best you can do is try to be a positive influence in their life.
Sometimes, you try to play the role of the Holy Spirit, hoping that love, patience, and understanding can help them see things differently.
But now, I feel like I have reached the end of my rope.
How can I build a life with someone I cannot calmly tell, “Honey, you are wrong about this,” without him taking it personally and carrying it in his heart?
He thinks that if I disagree with him, it means I do not support him, even when I can clearly see that he is wrong.
Nobody can advise him. Not even his friends can tell him when he is wrong. Not even a pastor.
In spite of this side of him, he is very calm. He does not miss church. Even if rain is falling heavily, he will still make sure he gets there. He is disciplined, respectful, and in many ways, he is the kind of man people admire.
He is also good to me. And that is why I am confused.
I am not struggling because I hate him or because he has treated me badly every day. I am struggling because I see the good in him, but I also see a side of him that scares me when I think about the future.
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I keep asking myself if I will be able to cope with this for the rest of my life. Will I always have to walk carefully around certain conversations? Will I always have to worry about his reaction when he feels hurt?
Because, to me, this is a very big red flag, and I do not know whether I should continue towards marriage or stop before it is too late.
Do you think I can live with it?
— Domi
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If you think you can be a man who doesn’t have the iota of forgiveness and self discipline. For the rest of your life.
Then it’s up to you.
My dear, seeing fire and asking us whether you should jump into it or not ,is not a very wise question
Eiiiiii. Do you know how many times you will offend in marriage? Please run. You will not survive it. You will always carry fear in you. You wouldn’t know what you will do next to offend him. You will be living on tentacles. And if nkbody can advice him not even his Pastor, then big big problem. Kai. Be bold and flee.
If you run he won’t forgive you as you spoke about his character
Run oo. If for nothing, you mental health and kids to come. Imagine a father beefing his kids over the silliest things. I had to leave my because of this behaviour and I thank God everyday for the courage. You won’t survive this in marriage. You know the most annoying thing, they don’t see anything wrong with it. It’s normal to them. In their eyes, they’re the most perfect people on earth.
You are dealing with a man with serious narcissistic tendencies. The unforgiveness, being always right, listens to no one-pride are things you can’t live with. Ask those who are married to a narcissist and that will help clear your eyes. If you marry him, we will be here waiting for your regret story in less than 6 months after marriage. I am married to a narcissistic woman. It is worse than life imprisonment. You are fortunate you saw the sign before saying I do. Some of us did not see a single narcissistic trait while courting.
My dear, you aren’t being fair to your soul. The earlier you quit the relationship, the better for you. Your guy can never change. Those preachings and sermons, and whatever else was said in the house of God, couldn’t make him sober or understand that we have individual differences and that forgiving and letting go are also part of the fruits of the Spirit. And do you think you can carry this cross
alone? Run for your life. If care isn’t taken, you’ll become the worst of yourself whilst staying with him.