My marriage turned upside down right after our first child. I lost everything that made me feel like a woman. I had no urge for anything, including intimacy. I couldn’t clean the house or even cook for my husband. Nothing bothered my husband more than the lack of intimacy.

He told me one day, “The world will reject you all day, and you come home to your wife and she also rejects you. What kind of life is this?”

The next day, he would be angry and wouldn’t talk to me. This silent treatment would continue for days. I loved it. It meant he wouldn’t come to me at night to worry me.

He would come home from work and meet nothing. He would fix his own food. On Saturdays, he would clean the house while I lay in the chair and watched him. He would go to church and come back to meet me sleeping. The baby became my excuse for everything.

By the time our child was one year old and was almost learning to run, my husband picked up his phone and opened his Notes app. He showed it to me. He asked, “What number do you see here? That’s the number of times you’ve allowed intimacy since the baby was born. And you call this marriage?”

The number he showed me was three. He was counting.

“Three?” I said in my head. “Then we’ve tried. Three times in a year isn’t enough?”

We had a wild fight that day. I packed my things to leave, and he helped me pack. He even threw some of the things outside for me so I would be quicker. When I was done, he asked me, “Have you called a car? Do you want me to drive you home?”

I fought back, “You think I would leave so you can bring those small-small girls into this house? You think I don’t know that you’re chasing women?”

He looked down at me and said, “You need help. Talk to someone.” Then he left the scene.

I held my boy to my chest while thinking about what he had said. I agreed I needed help. When he came back home, I told him, “If intimacy is the problem, it’s not my fault that I feel nothing. You can get someone to help you in that direction. I don’t want to know her, but as far as she makes you happy, I’m fine.”

When he talked about help, that’s what came to my mind. Someone to take the burden of intimacy away from me.

He said calmly, “Talk to someone. Your problem isn’t normal. You’re losing your mind.”

I talked to my dad. He linked me to a friend he said was a counsellor. That friend also linked me to a clinical psychologist, saying my problem was beyond him. The clinical psychologist did her best but told me to also continue praying.

My husband was always there, trying to fix things and also fixing what was broken in our marriage.

Our son was two years old when I stopped breastfeeding him. Once I stopped, I got my mojo back. I couldn’t believe how badly I wanted intimacy. I would be sweating if my husband wasn’t around.

Guess what? I’m pregnant again.

One evening, I thanked my husband for staying with me through it all and not leaving me even when I tried to leave. He said he knew it wasn’t me acting that way. His only problem was my refusal to get help.

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I said, “And you’ve gotten me pregnant again? You’re not scared to go through the same treatment again?”

He answered, “We’ll get help once it happens, but please don’t lose your mind.”

When I count my blessings and name them one by one, he’s number one and then number two, and then the rest follow.

A lot of men would have left me. Those who wouldn’t leave would look elsewhere, but this one stayed with me and fixed what I didn’t know was broken. He hasn’t stopped. He fixes our food and also fixes the house.

What he put together in us is still strong, but I know even if we break someday, he’ll be there to help fix us.

—Barbara

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