When I read Shirley‘s story my first thought was, “This woman is playing with fire but she doesn’t know it.” When I say this, it’s because I know firsthand how it feels to get attention from a man who is not your husband. I have walked on the same ground she is walking on. And I got burned so badly. I am still licking my wounds as I share this experience.

My marriage is seventeen years old and I have three children with my husband. Honestly, I got myself a good man. He takes care of the family and I do my best to support him. In his quest to do his best for us, he started immersing himself in work.

This took him away from me most of the time. He was always working and traveling for work. There seemed to be very little room on his schedule for family time. I would ask him to participate in a couple-bonding exercise with me and he would tell me he has to work. I tried to be an understanding wife so I never questioned him or communicated my unhappiness to him.

My kids are independent so whenever my husband was not at home and I was also not at work, I started to feel lonely. I tried to deal with it my own way by occupying myself but you cannot replace human connection with a busy schedule. It didn’t work. It only made me lonelier and more unhappy.

I contained this displeasure for so long that I forgot it was even there. Then came a time when a guy at my workplace noticed my demeanor and asked if everything was okay with me. At first I said, “Oh yeah, I am fine.” But he said, “No, this is not you. If you don’t want to talk to me, I hope you will at least talk to someone else.” Like me, he is also married. The kind of care and attention he gave me was something I hadn’t gotten from my husband in a long time. It felt nice to have someone see me and know that I am not okay.

I didn’t have a hard time trusting him. I told him everything that was not right with my marriage. I talked about how neglected I felt by my husband. I talked about the loneliness that had made itself a home in my heart. And boy, did he listen? Sama listened to everything I said without judgment. Sometimes he even played the devil’s advocate so I would understand my husband a little.

While he was doing all this, he was giving me the kind of attention I wished my husband would give me. Whenever my husband traveled for work, Sama would call and ask, “Are you alone again? Do you need me to entertain you for a while?” I would laugh and say, “You know I am bored so bring on the theater.” We would talk, make jokes, and laugh.

Soon enough, things started to get spicy. We started flirting and having sexual conversations. That was not the goal when Sama became my confidante. However, I was so impressed with all the care and attention he was giving me that when the lines started blurring, it didn’t startle me. I don’t know if I can explain it properly but I will try.

We had gotten so close. Everything I complained to him that my husband wasn’t doing for our marriage to work, Sama was doing effortlessly. I started comparing him to my husband. Because he was giving me what I needed at the moment, I thought he was a better man for me than my husband. I would ask myself, “Why can’t my husband have time for me like Sama does?” “Even Sama who is somebody else’s husband always listens to me when I need to talk, and he gives me a shoulder to lean on when I need to cry. So why can’t my own husband do any of this for me?” Comparison is a thief of joy, they say.

In Shirley’s story, she says she has not slept with the man she is seeing. I just want to say good for her. She shouldn’t try it. It will not end well. Again, this is something I know firsthand. When the lines began to blur and Sama and I were having sexual conversations, I was so sure that it would end there. I did not think for a second that I would get so lost in the moment that I would sleep with him. But I did.

Everything changed after that. First, I was filled with a regret so immense that I was constantly crying. I kept crying because after we did it, I realized that I wasn’t even attracted to him. It was the attention I was chasing. He just happened to be the person wielding it. The second thing that changed was Sama. He became busy all of a sudden.

He was no longer available to talk to me when I needed a friend. Even his shoulders that I used to cry on got busy. This only doubled my regret. Everything kept replaying in my mind. I opened up to this guy about all the things my husband was not doing right and he did all of them so he could gain my trust and get into my pants. He didn’t care about me like I thought. Do you know how badly that hurt? It felt as if someone set fire to my heart.

To make things more dreary, he started hitting on another woman at our workplace who was my friend. The lady knew we were close so she kept telling me every detail of their journey. Today Sama said this. Tomorrow Sama said that. When she is done she would ask, “Edwina, you are close to him. Is he a good man? Do you think I should give him a chance?”

I wanted to tell my friend that I was not interested in whatever happened between her and Sama but how could I have had that conversation with her without revealing my own ugly secret with him? So I kept quiet and told my friend to take her time and get to know him properly before she commits to anything.

The guilt and regret ate me up for months. Who am I kidding? It is still eating me up. I remember how much I used to cry when the whole thing first happened. Especially when I started considering the fact that I married a good man. My husband would never disrespect me the way Sama did. I thought he wasn’t paying attention to me but he was.

Every time he saw that I was down he asked, “Are you okay dear? What’s the problem?” I would shake my head and say I was fine. One day he took me out for a drive. While he was driving he said, “I know you are not okay. I have caught you crying more times than you know. Tell me what’s going on?” That day, I fell apart as I opened up to him.

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No, don’t get ahead of me. I did not tell him anything about Sama. I am not sure he will recover if he finds out. What I told him was all the things I didn’t tell him in the past. “I am in this marriage with you but I am lonely,” I began. I talked about all the times he was too busy for our marriage and all the way it hurt. He said he didn’t know that was how I felt. “I will be a better husband going forward,” he promised.

Ever since we had that conversation, I can see my husband changing. He is more present. He is not always too busy with work to have a conversation with me. We are bonding again. We are both doing everything possible to ensure that neither of us feels neglected by the other. This gives me a cocktail of emotions. On one hand, I am happy that my marriage is coming back to life and my husband listened to me. However, I am even regretting my affair with Sama more than anything.

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I keep thinking, “So if I had just opened up to my husband long ago, this whole thing with Sama would never have happened.” I hate that I allowed myself to be vulnerable with a man who is not my husband and it cost me my sanity. The good news is, that I learned a lot of lessons from the advice people gave Shirley. I have taken those lessons and I am applying them to myself. Sure, I messed up and it ended in premium tears, but I am fighting for my marriage now.

We cannot change the past. We can only learn from our mistakes and create a better future. That is what is keeping me going right now. I just want to tell Shirley or anyone in her shoes not to repeat my mistakes. Regret and guilt is a heavier crown to carry than lack of attention, take it from me.

–Edwina

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