I didn’t know him too well but I allowed what I felt for him in that moment to dictate the rules for my heart. We had dated for only two months. Love was still love and the nectar was still sticky. Under a pale moonlight after a late-night date, he asked me to marry him.

He thought I wouldn’t because he had a child—a child he had with his ex-girlfriend five years ago. Whenever we spoke about love, he said something like, “Many women don’t like to marry men who have kids. They are scared of the drama and also want to start from a clean slate.”

I told him that was a lie and he asked me to prove it on many occasions. Maybe that could also be the reason I accepted to marry him when I didn’t know him that well.

I said yes. I told him I would marry him tomorrow if he was ready. He hugged me, kissed my forehead and buried me under his left arm while he breathed heavily. It was late night but the sky was so clear you might think it was daybreak. He said softly, “I don’t want to let you go.” I whispered, “Then let’s stay here and pretend we have nowhere else to go.”

Four months later we were married. Two months before our first wedding anniversary he told me, “I don’t want to be married any longer. You know this is not working but I will take my time with you until you’re ready for divorce. Until then, both of us are free to do what we want or see who we want to see.”

I looked at his finger, and the wedding ring was already gone. I said in my head, “He has already started the divorce journey and is now telling me about it?”

I didn’t act surprised because I saw it coming. It’s a conversation I’d had with myself on so many occasions when I was alone but I didn’t have the courage to voice it out like he did. I answered, “What do you mean both of us are free to see who we want to see? Until we divorce, we are married, remember?”

We started fighting a week after marriage. It never stopped though we tried our best to find something to hold on to. It was about his child and how he wanted to raise him as against how I thought was the best. His baby mama got too close I wasn’t comfortable. He also complained about how I went about telling our issues to my parents. When we were dating, we seemed to agree on everything. After marriage, we didn’t seem to agree on anything.

I started thinking about divorce when the marriage was only four months old. He thought about it too because he mentioned it each time we fought; “You can leave the marriage if you’re tired. Don’t stay here and be a devil in my life!”

It had always come from anger but that night when he talked about divorce, we weren’t angry. We hadn’t fought for over a week but that doesn’t mean we were happy too. We still slept in separate beds. We woke up and said a few words to each other. He didn’t eat from me so I stopped cooking. Everything was a mess so divorce was the only thing that could take away the mess we created out of marriage.

He was talking with a woman on the phone one late night when I was trying to sleep. He had no reason to put the call on a loudspeaker but he did. The lady was laughing a lot. He was also laughing a lot, something I’d never seen him do in months. I walked by to get some water. His voice got louder When he heard my footsteps. Everything to let me know he had started seeing someone.

I was still wearing my ring. I didn’t have the courage to do what he was doing but I felt the weight of society’s criticism each time when I thought of a divorce. They will call me a failure. They will brand me. They’ll say my beauty took me to marriage but my character brought me back. If you divorce just a year after marriage, then clearly, you deserve what you get, I thought.

So I held on while he treated me like a floor mat. He would travel for days and I wouldn’t know where he was. He would update his WhatsApp status, showing me how life was fun without me in it. Because of his behaviour, people started asking questions. “Is everything alright?” I smiled and said, “All is well. Our marriage is as fit as a fiddle.”

After the smiles outside, I went in and cried. The pain was too much I opened up to a colleague at work. She told me, “When men get to that level, they hardly come back to their senses so start thinking about your exit. Divorce as soon as possible or start living life too.”

I took the last part of her advice and started looking out for myself. I took off my ring. I was ready to put myself out there.

I met Fiifi. I told him the truth about my situation. He was sympathetic. He promised to love me regardless but you know men and free sex. He saw me as an opportunity to have uncommitted sex. It was always about “When are you coming over? He’s cheating but you’re reserving yourself for him?”

The pressure for sex made me walk out of that one. Nathan came along. I told him about my situation and he was shocked. He told me he couldn’t get involved with me because of my situation. He pulled out but I chased him. I was following what didn’t want me and the thrill of the chase went so far as spending a night with him in the same bed but this guy didn’t touch me. When his skin touched my skin, he behaved like I had some communicable disease he had to avoid.

I talked to him late at night in the presence of my husband. I was proving a point. That someone loves me too. It angered him or something so he upped his game. He came home with his baby mama and you could imagine the antics. It’s only sex they didn’t have in front of me.

Finally, I opened up to my parents about what was happening in my marriage. They asked me to be patient. I told them I’d been patient for several months and it was time to do what was right. They accepted the idea of divorce so I went back home and told my husband, “I’m ready. I’ll sign the papers if you bring it today.”

I left our matrimonial home that very day and went to stay with my parents, hoping he would initiate the divorce as soon as possible. It’s been a year. No divorce papers. Instead, he’s using people to beg me to change my mind. I told him, “After everything you’ve taken me through? The disrespect and shame? You’re kidding me.”

I’m Attracted To Women Who Have Children

He’s dragging his feet. Asking for another chance but when a woman gets to the level that I’ve gotten to, she doesn’t change her mind. I’ve started the process myself and so far so good.

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—Dufie

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