We fell out of love when I got pregnant. I guess the pregnancy tested us in ways that brought out the worst in both of us, so we decided that co-parenting would be better than staying together.

I had the baby, came home from the hospital, and waited for her father to come and see his child, but he did not show up until days later. When he finally came, he came empty-handed. Weeks later, after I had exhausted my own money taking care of the baby, I called him for money. He told me he was broke. It happens, so I waited for him to get back on his feet and send some money. He never did.

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The only thing I found myself doing in the days that followed was fighting him for money. I would call and scream at him. I would send messages in capital letters. Nothing moved him. One day, he sent 50 kenyan shillings. Meanwhile, I was hearing stories about his escapades in the dating scene, following every woman in a skirt. It is none of my business, but I could not help thinking that he spends money on those things, and that is why he is unable to help care for our child.

My daughter is three years old now, and I have exhausted almost every effort to cater for her alone. Whenever there is a job opportunity, I have to factor her into the equation. Is the work suitable for a mother with a child? Who will take care of her? How will I balance spending time with her, taking her to school, cooking for her, and handling the countless other responsibilities that come with raising a child?

It was not an easy decision when I concluded that I wanted to leave her with her father for a while. After all, he is her father, and I do not believe he would let her go hungry. I want to go out there and hustle. I want to make money; take care of myself; look nice; feel beautiful and actually be beautiful; and extend that care to my child as well. But my family says I should not leave her with him. They say I should either take her with me or stay home.

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Deep down, however, I want to go and work. Another reason is that I am tired of doing it all alone. I fight him tooth and nail before he sends money, but it is too exhausting for me to do it for the rest of my life. Three years is already enough. For once, I want him to be a full father and get the chance to be one of the one percent who get celebrated on Father’s Day.

Am I being a good mother, or am I too selfish to be called one?

—Jessica
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