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When my last relationship went bad two years ago, I felt I was never going to find a man who will love me truly. I gave my all in the relationship and for three years, I thought we were the best that happened to each other. Little did I know that he was nursing a future dream without me. One day, I found out he was cheating on me with another girl he always denied. I forgave him totally though it hurt. Later, he came telling me he doesn’t think the two of us would work out. I asked why and he said, “It’s obvious we don’t believe in the same things plus my family is a little bit jittery about your tribe. It’s better we let go now than hold on for nothing.”

When a man wants to leave, he’ll find a reason, however flimsy. I tried to get him back. He pushed back. Just four months after our breakup, he went for that girl I caught him cheating with. I thought the wounds had died but seeing them together and knowing their history brought back all the hurt again.

Time healed me. I gave myself permission to date again. I dated a guy for two weeks. Nothing about him gave me the assurance I needed. We barely got connected. His dreams and future plans were all over the place plus he was a smoker. I let him go. Months later, I met another guy who pursued me every day for many months. I finally gave in.

Sometimes good things come from the place we didn’t expect good things may come from. I thought he would be that guy—that rose that grew out of the concrete. He came. He tried but he was too inconsistent for my liking so one day I told him, “You come for days and disappear for weeks. I don’t believe in such a relationship. Maybe it’s who you are. I can’t force you to change so I’ve decided to take the walk.”

He didn’t protest. He simply agreed for us to go our separate ways. That was the point I started feeling the burden of fear—fear for my future. I felt I might never find the right guy for me but just when I was about to give up on myself, Danny appeared. He was perfect. He had the looks and the mannerisms I needed in a man. Well educated and had his thoughts about the future rounded up.

He too had been hurt a lot and was looking for rescue. Two souls looking for the same thing make a perfect match so we kicked it right from the word go. He was funny and I loved to laugh—a perfect match. He loved to chill and I loved to chill with my man—perfect match. He loved God and didn’t joke with church. I loved God and didn’t joke with church too—a perfect match. You could ask me what I like about him and I would go on and on forever. In my mind, I’ve found my soul mate.

Every rose has its thorns. Danny came with one prickly thorn; he talked about his ex a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. He talked about her virtually every day. We could be having an unrelated conversation and he would find a way to bring her ex in. I spoke to him about it. I said, “Danny, I love you so much but the way you talk about Rose makes me feel you’re still walking around with her in your heart. It makes me insecure. It makes me feel you’ll run to her if you get the chance.” He said, “Me run to her? May God forbid. I don’t even realize that I talk about her. If I do, please forgive”

I asked him to do something about it. He promised to not mention her again.

He didn’t stop. He kept mentioning her but I ignored him. Old character is hard to cure. I hoped he’ll stop as we go along. It didn’t stop. It got worse. The two of them acted on social media as though they were still lovers. Rose would post a photo and the next minute, Danny will react and comment on the photo. He did it on Facebook and did it on Instagram. Meanwhile, I will post a photo and tag him but he’ll not comment or even react. That got to me a little so we had a talk about it.

“Danny, you and Rose continue to give me things to worry about. I trust you but make my work easier, please. She had moved on. Allow her to be and focus on what we are building. It’s our lives now and not hers.” He asked, “Are you saying I can’t be friends with her?” I said, “You can be friends with her but there should be barriers. There should be differences in the ways you two relate to one another. I don’t think her boyfriend would be happy to see you drooling over her under her every post on social media.”

That conversation didn’t go well. He got angry that I said he was drooling over his ex. He threw words around carelessly but I didn’t take any offense. I was only hoping he’ll see the truth when the dust settles. The dust settled but nothing changed. So, one day, I picked his phone, went on his Instagram page, and blocked Rose. I did the same on Facebook. I thought it would help keep me sane if I don’t see them playing Romeo and Juliet on social media.

Weeks later he found out what had happened. I think he thought it was rather Rose who blocked him so he asked me, “Did you say anything to Rose?” I said, “Why would I do that? I’ve never spoken to her.” I asked why he was asking me that questions and he said, “I realized she had blocked me. I asked her and she said she never did but I didn’t block her too so I’m wondering what happened. I thought I should own my truth so I told him, “I did. I thought you needed some space from it all. You two needed a break.”

He swung into an angry mode. For the next ten or so minutes, he lectured me on curtsey, privacy invasion, and the need to give your partner some yards. I sat still and listened. I didn’t say a word. Usually, after the storm comes the calm so I was waiting for him to be calm down before I put up a defense. Then he said, “It seems you have issues with everything I do. It’s better we don’t continue. We are better off without each other.”

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I swear I never thought breaking up would be an option. I knew he would be angry, yes but to break up? I said, “You’re making a mistake. I’ve never had issues with everything you do. I’ve only had issues with you and Rose. Let’s put only that into perspective and solve it instead of bringing everything else into it.” He walked off me and stopped picking my calls. I’ve tried all I can to get him back to reason with me but he’s insisting on breaking us apart.

Not too long ago he picked my call. He said, “If you can apologize to Rose for what you did then we can come back together.” I asked, “Why Rose? Why do I have to apologize to her?” He said, “For the confusion, you brought between the two of us. Do you know we fought about this? She didn’t believe when I said I didn’t block her and I also didn’t believe her. If you can let her know what happened, then we are cool.”

I don’t want to lose Danny. Largely, he had been a better man but never in my life would I call Rose and apologize to her. I want to know if there’s a way around it. I want to get Danny back to his senses but I don’t want to talk to Rose, let alone apologize.

–Cece

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