I come from a strict Christian family, and as the only daughter, my parents have a lot of expectations for me, especially when it comes to marriage. My mom and I once had a very serious conversation about marriage, and she somehow made it clear that she was not interested in hearing that I might want to get married early.
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The problem is that I love the idea of marriage. Not in a fairytale kind of way, but in a way that understands marriage is a journey and not an easy one. I have watched several marriages, including my parents’, so I am fully aware of the struggles that come with it. I know it takes work, patience, and commitment, but I still want to get married, and I’d prefer to do it sooner rather than later.
I met this guy, Alfred, in school. He is a nice guy, very mature and loving. I love his personality, and I have taken my time to study him. There are certain things I can confidently say I know about him. He is a provider, not necessarily because he has everything figured out, but because he does his best even when he doesn’t have much. He manages his anger well and doesn’t yell or get violent. He is just calm. He is also loving, caring, emotionally available, and a good listener.
Of course, he has his flaws, but nobody is perfect. We aren’t dating right now, but we talk a lot about our future, marriage, and kids. We have agreed to start dating after school.
I have started developing feelings for him, and it is safe to say those feelings have started manifesting physically, too. Sometimes, I wish he would just kiss me, but he is a careful guy and always dodges the question whenever I bring it up.
Let me go back a bit. I have always been a romantic girl. I have written romantic books, and I also have a high libido. If I were to rate it on a scale, I would give it a seven.
I have been intimate in the past, but it didn’t turn out well. I was in pain and uncomfortable, and that experience made me reluctant to try it again. But this guy, Alfred, has brought those feelings back. I find myself fantasising about him and even dreaming about him. He is so gentle, and honestly, that is part of what makes this difficult.
The problem is that he doesn’t want to be intimate. He wants us to wait until we get married.
I honestly don’t know what to do because I can’t be intimate with just anyone. It is impossible for me to kiss a guy I don’t love, let alone have sex with him. I also can’t buy toys because I feel it might not end well for me.
The worst part is that I know very well that if Alfred were to leave, I would be fine. I would survive and move on. But I don’t want to lose him.
My libido is so high right now that I am beginning to contemplate getting married early. Should I get married early just so I can finally be intimate with someone I love?
I have tried bringing up the idea of early marriage with Alfred, but he mentioned that his finances aren’t in the right place yet and that we need to grow up first. Honestly, I understand where he is coming from. I know those things matter, too. But I am really beginning to doubt whether I can wait another five years.
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I have been celibate for a while, and it was so easy because my past experience had made me despise sex. I didn’t struggle with it at all. But now that Alfred is in the picture, everything has changed. I can’t seem to think straight anymore.
—Patience
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