A year after marriage, we got pregnant. My wife had just started her master’s program. I was very happy to know we were going to be parents. My wife was happy too but a few hours later, she asked how she was going to handle the pregnancy with school. I told her, “It’s not going to be easy but I will be here to help you in whatever way I can.”

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She retorted, “The only way I need you to help is to carry the pregnancy for me while I go to school.” We laughed but later made plans on how we were going to handle our lives going forward.

Every dawn she woke up telling me her abdomen was paining her. Sometimes she would cry and I would be distraught, not knowing what to do. The pregnancy was just about hitting two months when she miscarried. I cried that day while she cried with me. We needed someone to console us so I turned around and did the consoling. I told her we would have another very soon. She told me she couldn’t wait.

The pregnancy lived for only a few weeks but the baby had a name. To this day, we call the miscarriage by the name we gave to the child.

A year later and we still didn’t have another. I was worried we were not doing something right. While we talked about it, my wife was very calm. She was the one doing the motivating. One night, while being intimate with her, I felt a sharp pain at the tip of my penis, like I’d been poked by the tip of something sharp.

I complained to her and she laughed. She said it was in my head. She changed position for me and kept asking me, “Do you feel it?” I didn’t feel it again but I couldn’t help thinking about it. Another night, it happened again while doing the same style.

She also complained that I went too far and was hitting something that hurt her. She changed position and told me we were not going to do that position again since both of us felt pain. I protested. That position had always been my favorite and I hadn’t felt that sharp poke until it started not long ago.

When we were intimate and I asked her to turn that way, she protested. Sometimes she would angrily pull the cloth over her head and push me aside, leaving me midway. I couldn’t understand it. I even suggested we should seek medical help and she told me nothing was wrong. I was the one seeing things in my head.

I have a friend who has been married for over ten years and has four kids. We talk about everything except our marriages. One day I decided to discuss it with him and get his opinion. I started from the miscarriage and how, over a year later, we hadn’t gotten pregnant again. He told me it takes patience and babies would come.

And then I went to the main issue. “You have been married for over ten years. Have you ever had a situation where, during sex, something would poke you from the inside?” He burst out laughing. He even made a joke that my ancestors were trying to get me stuck inside until he said, “Wait, has your wife had an IUD inserted? That’s also a possibility. When my wife did it the first time, I could hit it. Ask her.”

I laughed it off. We were looking for a child so why would my wife do something that would prevent pregnancy? Then her master’s program flashed through my mind. What she said about not being able to carry a pregnancy and do the program.

When I went home and we were being intimate, I intentionally pushed deeper and I felt it again. I said, “That’s an IUD. Tell the truth. Why would you do that?”

My wife swore heaven and earth that she didn’t know anything about an IUD and didn’t even know how it worked. Again, she got angry, pushed me off her and covered herself with a cloth. But I wasn’t going to let her off the hook. I said, “First thing tomorrow morning, I’m going to the hospital with you to check. Maybe you didn’t do it. Maybe a doctor inserted it by mistake.”

She fought me, saying I was accusing her of something she hadn’t done. She gave me the cold treatment for days but I wasn’t going to back down. I asked her, “Do you want me to bring our parents into this issue? Why don’t you let us go and check if you know nothing about it?”

That day she confessed that indeed she had done it and her reason was that she didn’t want to have a child until she was done with school. Usually, it’s not the action that hurts but the betrayal. We could have talked about it. Yes, it wouldn’t have been easy for me to agree but at least there would have been transparency.

She said she was going to remove it since I didn’t want it but the harm had already been done. I didn’t trust her anymore and though I haven’t told her about it, I feel like the miscarriage she talked about wasn’t a miscarriage but that she intentionally let the baby go because of her education.

We haven’t been intimate for weeks now. I have no interest in her. I see her and I feel like she’s a betrayer. I no longer feel the husband-and-wife vibe with her. She talks to me and I respond with nods. I know it’s a feeling that will not last forever but I don’t know how long I’m going to feel this way. It might sound extreme but I’ve even thought about divorce.

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She chose school over our marriage so she might as well go to school and leave the marriage. Or am I thinking too far? Isn’t it wickedness for a woman you call a wife to do this, thinking you might never know? If my “distin” didn’t reach that far and poke it, how long would I be praying to God for a child when the devil doing me was sharing my bed? It hurts, I won’t lie.

—George 

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