My daughter was six years old when I met Daniel. Because I had a daughter, men who came into my life didn’t take relationships with me seriously. They wanted to be with me until I talked about marriage and their attitude changed. Daniel was different. Right from the beginning, he meant business but wanted to be sure if I had boundaries with my daughter’s father.

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He asked how often we talked and I said on very few occasions, especially when money was delayed. He asked how often we saw each other and I said not too often unless we had to collaborate and do something for our daughter. He asked what his boundaries were when it came to my daughter and we both sat down and spelled them out. He was happy and I was also happy about the liberty we both had toward each other.

Because he was in my life, I didn’t take any decision concerning my daughter without his input. Sometimes he told me it was okay and he didn’t need to know but I still ran it by him and sought his opinion first. When I had to call my daughter’s father or when my daughter had to go and see him, I ran it by Daniel first.

My ex didn’t abandon his duties when it came to our daughter. He has been involved right from the start, paying for everything that ought to be paid for without delays. When Daniel came into my life and our relationship got serious, I told him so he would know how to deal with me going forward. He always had one sentence: “Don’t let any man take my place in my daughter’s life. She doesn’t need another father.”

A year after dating Daniel, we got married. Daniel is that kind of man you’ll go to war with and trust to always be by your side. He protected the family, including my daughter, and made us into one unit. He didn’t try to be a father to my daughter but he was more than that.

A year after marriage, I got pregnant and while I was seven months pregnant, Daniel lost his job. He became restless and wanted to find something else to do as soon as possible, especially because we had a baby on the way. While struggling to find a job, nothing changed. He still provided. Because he was home, he added other domestic chores to his schedule.

He cooked for us. By the time I returned from work, food would be ready. On weekends, he would help clean the house and because I was heavily pregnant, he would go to the market with my daughter.

When I gave birth, I suffered paralysis. It felt like half of my body had been shut down. I couldn’t even lift my baby. I was scared. For three weeks after delivery, I was still in the hospital, unable to walk. My husband was with me through it all. My mom had come to take care of me but my husband spent 24 hours a day at the hospital with me until the day I was finally discharged.

While I was at the hospital trying to get better, I didn’t know my husband was planning to travel abroad. He had had that dream since he lost his job and didn’t tell me about it. I only got to know about it when the deal fell through and those helping him ran away with his money.

Yes, he wasn’t working but he still had some money to run the house. It wasn’t as it used to be but he never said, “I don’t have money.” When I was discharged and brought home, even when we needed sugar in the house and I expected him to get it, he turned to me and said, “I don’t have money.”

Then one night he told me about the travel plan and how he’d lost all the money he had saved while working. “I have zero left in my account,” he said. “Thank God I don’t owe anyone. I would have ended up in jail with debt.”

As a supportive wife, I tried to do my best to keep the house running but no matter how much I put on the table, my husband felt it was too small. When he had money, we were living better but I couldn’t provide at the same level that he did.

Not long ago he told me, “It’s becoming harder for me to get a job. I still want to travel and this time I have a credible source to do it. All I need is around GHC100,000 and I will be able to leave this country in just three months. Help me raise that money.”

I burst into laughter because all my life, I haven’t seen that much money before. He told me he could raise something so I should also try to help. My family doesn’t have it. I don’t have a friend who has that much to give away and taking a loan from work or a bank was also off the table for me.

A week later, my husband said he’d been able to raise half of the money so I should try for him. We explored all other avenues but nothing came out of it. He sat quietly while I breastfed our baby. He said, “I’m desperate so we should do something desperate.”

I prayed he wouldn’t say we should go and rob a bank but he said something more terrible to me than robbing a bank. He said, “How about your daughter’s father? He looks like someone who can help with ease.”

When I’m shocked, I laugh so I laughed. “No, don’t let us go there. It will be very complicated and might bring shame in the end.”

He misunderstood my statement and interpreted it as me saying it would push me back into my ex’s arms and bring shame. We had a fight for the first time in my marriage because of this. I had to explain myself in many different ways but he still didn’t get it. He said, “If that’s not what you mean then what’s difficult about a loan from your ex?”

How does that sound to you reading this? I go to my ex and ask for a loan for my husband to travel? How will he see my marriage? And what respect would he have for my husband? But my husband thinks I’m being selfish and only protecting an interest he doesn’t know about.

Men Don’t Like It When Women Do The Paying

We are not talking much because of this. The tension in our house feels like a thick wall built between us. He wakes up and leaves the house without telling me his whereabouts. The way I see it, he might get the money today and travel tomorrow without telling me. I’m hurt that I can’t help but I won’t involve my ex no matter what. Or am I the one at fault here? Yes, my ex can help if he wants but do I have to take that risk?

—Alberta 

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