I was twenty-three and fresh out of school when I met James. I was one of those girls carrying brown envelopes around Accra looking for internships. I was stressed, broke, and confused about my life. James came into my world like an answered prayer. He was older, mature, well-spoken, employed, and extremely kind. A complete gentleman. He helped me get an internship at a reputable firm. Later, when the internship ended, he helped me secure a full-time job. He would call and check up on me, motivate me, give me advice, and tell me not to fall for bad guys.

FOLLOW US ON WHATSAPP CHANNEL TO RECEIVE ALL STORIES IN YOUR INBOX

It felt like I’d found the big brother I never had, but slowly, the conversations changed. He started telling me about his marriage. How his wife didn’t understand him. How she was always nagging. How she had changed from the woman she used to be. He didn’t call her a demon, but I inferred it because that was what I saw anytime James described his wife to me. I remember lying on my bed one night after a long call with him, thinking: “How can a good man like James be treated like this?”

In hindsight, I should have minded my business. But no. I was young and full of empathy. And empathy without wisdom is a disaster. I wish I could say I intentionally went after a married man, something I swore I would never do. But that wasn’t the case. It started with pity. Pity is a dangerous emotion. It makes you feel responsible for someone else’s pain, and that’s how I felt about James.

Every time he shared something painful about his wife, my heart squeezed. The day he told me he was feeling lonely, I wished I could fly to him and keep him in my embrace. When he called me his “safe space,” I felt special. I felt like someone who could give him what his wife couldn’t. Before I knew it, I was looking forward to his calls more than I should. I was smiling at his texts like a fool. I was waiting for him to say something that would make me feel chosen.

When he kissed me, I didn’t push him away. I let it happen. Then it happened again. And again. Until we found ourselves being intimate. It wasn’t a mistake anymore. It was a full-blown affair. Right after the intimacy, James lay beside me and said: “Do you know that I’ve always loved you? You’re everything I ever wanted in a woman.”

When I told him I loved him too, I thought we were beginning the greatest love story ever told. I felt like I was giving him what his wife had failed to provide: love, peace, support, and affection. I started believing I was the “better woman.”

One day he told me he had separated from his wife. He moved out for a while. He seemed sad, emotionally drained, and vulnerable. I was right there for him. I cooked for him. I cleaned his place. I practically acted like a wife because, in my mind, I was auditioning to replace his wife. I truly believed that when push came to shove, he would leave his wife and choose me. But the truth is, any man who makes you a backup plan will never make you the main focus.

He didn’t tell me. I saw it happening right before my eyes. When I called and he told me his wife’s parents wanted to see him or their pastor had invited them, I felt there was going to be a revival. I felt deeply in my soul that he would run back to his wife, so one day when he told me, “They don’t want us to divorce. They say we should give it another try,” I wasn’t surprised. I asked if it was something he wanted or if he was being pushed to do it, and he said, “I don’t want them to feel I’m disrespecting them, so I will do what they say and see what happens.”

I felt my entire world spin. Suddenly, James was ready to try things with the woman who was the devil a few months ago. I was heartbroken, but I didn’t leave. Why? Because even though he went back to his wife, he didn’t leave me. He called. He still visited. He continued to tell me I meant so much to him, so I stayed.

Currently, his wife is pregnant. Yes. Pregnant. They are expecting baby number two. I see a new person anytime I watch his status. He’s a happy man, judging by the quotes and the kind of photos he posts. Their marriage is now better than ever, and I’m here crying over a man who goes home every night to kiss his pregnant wife. Now, the jealousy is eating me alive. The bitterness is choking me. The reality is humiliating. I keep asking myself: “What was I thinking when I agreed to date a married man three years ago? Where was my self-respect? Why did I believe I could build happiness on someone else’s tears?”

Does Marriage Benefit Men More Than Women?

But this is the part that embarrasses me the most. Even after all this humiliation, I still stay because I tell myself that I still love him. He still spends time with me. He still acts like he needs me, so I keep holding on, hoping for crumbs of affection. I know I deserve better. But my heart still betrays me. Never in my next life will I fall for a married man. Never! It leaves you bitter, jealous, insecure, and heartbroken. You’re always an option, never the priority. You become the commercial break, not the main show. If I could speak to my younger self, that twenty-three-year-old me who plunged me into this situation, I’d say: “Freda, love yourself first. Because no married man will ever love you enough to leave his comfort zone.”

Now I’m trying to build the courage to walk away. Because this time, I want to choose myself even if it breaks my heart.

—Freda

This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too. Email it to us at [email protected]. You can also drop your number and we will call you so you tell us your story.

******