I saw my wife in June 2023. In August 2024, we were married. She was thirty-one when we met, and she made it clear what she wanted in a relationship even before she said yes to me. She told me she didn’t have time to date for long, so it was better I knew what I wanted in a woman so she could see if she could provide that.

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I was blunt with her, “I’m not looking for something extraordinary. I need a woman who can be a companion in every shape of the word and who also understands what it takes to be a wife.”

When we dated, there was something I found genuine about the way she lived her life. She didn’t stay angry for long. She talked about it and asked, “I hope you understand what I’m saying, or I’m asking too much?” Immediately I said I understood, she moved forward and was fine. The few times I said I didn’t understand, she told me, “Tell me where you don’t understand. Let me explain, or tell me how you can make things better going forward.”

You see, she was up there when it came to emotional intelligence. And she was ready to walk through every problem, so I said to myself, “What am I waiting for? Why don’t I make her a wife?”

Four months after dating, I said I was going to marry her. She told me, “Isn’t it too early to think about marriage?” I answered, “When you see what you want in a woman, you don’t waste time.”

I took her home to meet my old folks. They congratulated her for making me bring a woman home. My parents had been on me for so long about marriage, but I always told them I hadn’t found the right woman and didn’t want to do marriage more than once, so it was better I took my time.

On the 31st of August, 2024, we both walked the aisle in a wedding that she said was the happiest day of her life, and I also said the same thing. Our marital journey was smooth. I didn’t experience anything I didn’t expect to experience in marriage. Today we would laugh and play; tomorrow, when we ought to fight, we put all the anger cards on the table so we could assess it and know how to resolve the issues. As a matter of principle, we don’t go to bed angry.

Not long ago, I picked her phone just to do nothing with it. I was just scrolling through her photos and moving around inside the phone because I was bored. When I saw the WhatsApp app, I said to myself, “Let me check and see how she’s living her life with friends.”

I didn’t read any messages between herself and a man. I was going through the girls-girls messages because I knew that was where the gossip would be. Then I got to a name she had saved as Rose. What made me read the message was that I didn’t know she had a friend called Rose. I was like, “Who is this one too, and what are they saying?”

The messages between them were very few. The lady obviously wasn’t in Ghana, and looking at what they said before they entered the crust of the chat, they hadn’t met in ages, but they were very good friends when Rose was in Ghana. Rose said, “And you married a fair man. You who rejected Akwesi because he was fair. What changed?”

I was expecting her to say she grew to realize that the complexion of a man didn’t matter, but it was the complexion of his heart that made the difference. Even if not that, I expected her to say something good about me—the reason she changed her stance on dating fair guys—but my wife said, and I’m quoting this because every line of what she said is stuck in my memory and creating a painful hole in my heart, “Oh, this one, I married him because there was none available, ooo. All the girls were getting married, and I was growing old, so I couldn’t afford to be picky.”

Rose sent laughing emojis and later said, “But that’s dangerous. I hope you don’t regret the choice. He’s a good man, right?”

My wife responded, “What can we do? I’m only managing. He’s all that I have, but if you get a dark one in the UK, please link me. Who knows, my soulmate might be in the UK.”

Rose sent “hahahah” and said, “You can’t be serious.”

My wife replied, “Get the man first for me, and let’s see if I’m serious or not.”

Rose also shared the story of her own marriage in the UK. She said the way my wife was feeling was normal, and choosing me was a smart move because she also married a guy she wouldn’t have looked twice at if they had met in Ghana. She married him because in the UK, men were scarce and living alone was expensive, so she had to marry anyone who was ready so life could be easier. She even told my wife there was a guy she was crushing on.

My wife saw me with her phone and didn’t bother. Those messages were months old, so maybe she had forgotten about them. I asked her, “Do you mean everything you said to Rose about me?”

She asked, “What?”

I gave her the phone, and her face changed. She asked, “But why would you go that far in my messages? What were you looking for?”

We don’t go to bed angry, so I needed to resolve the issue before sunset. I repeated my question twice. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t showing any sign of hurt on my face when I asked the questions. She said, “We were just fooling around. This is just girls-girls gossip. You can’t take it seriously.”

We analyzed what she said one after the other. The more she tried to explain the intention behind those words, the more I got angry. She didn’t have any explanation apart from, “It was girls-girls talk.”

We don’t go to bed angry, but since I read those messages and the conversation afterward, I’ve been very angry. I feel very small, but I’m taller than her. I feel I’m in a place where, anytime soon, I would be left alone. I’m not the choice a woman makes because it’s the right choice, but a choice she makes because there was nothing left on the table for her.

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I think about it, and I want to disappear. She has apologized and accepted that she went too far, but it doesn’t erase the feelings I have in my gut. I don’t know for how long, but I don’t think I will ever be happy in this marriage, knowing I was just an afterthought. I haven’t discussed this with anyone because it’s not a pleasant thing to let anyone know, but I want the opinions of others too, so I’m putting it here anonymously. How would you feel if your wife said this about you? What would you do going forward in such a marriage?

—Paa Kow

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