I was in JHS three when the headmaster of my school proposed to me. I said no to him but he kept coming. Each morning, he would call me to his office and try to lure me into accepting his proposal. He promised me money. He promised to take care of me after I complete school. “See, you won’t have to worry about anything if you become my girlfriend. I will take care of you and take care of your needs when you’re going to SHS. Just say yes and see all the things I would do for you.” I still said no. I was just fourteen years but I looked well developed. I had full breasts and had the curves of an adult. My back shook when I walked. It drew a lot of unwanted attention to me but there was nothing I could do. I didn’t create myself that way. The headmaster wasn’t the only man who tried to get me to be his girlfriend. Three teachers in the school also tried but I said no to them all.

The headmaster became very persistent. So persistent that I was scared to see him in the school. One day in his office, he tried to play with my body. I resisted and threatened to make noise if he went further. I was able to escape. I had no one to talk to so I decided to confide in my mother. One evening after supper I went to her and told her, “The headmaster of my school tried to sleep with me today. He had proposed to me long ago and I’ve said no but each time he meets me he wants to have his way with me.” My mom held my hand and pulled me to sit next to her on the bed. Almost in whispers, she said, “The whole headmaster of the school proposed to you and you said no? Are you going crazy? Do you know the things he can do for you when you say yes? Don’t be a silly girl. Go and say yes to him. We need his help. Look at your father. Are you happy with the way he’s suffering? I’m the only one taking care of him and also taking care of you and your two brothers. Do you think it’s easy? A helper is coming our way and you say no?”

I was shocked and deflated that evening. I protested, “But ma, he’s an old man. I’m only fourteen years. How do I say yes to a man who is old enough to be my father?” She said, “He’s an old man so you won’t say yes to him? You will rather say yes to these small-small boys walking around so they mess your life up? Say yes to someone who can take care of you and also help the family. Go to school tomorrow and say yes to the headmaster.”

The only place I thought I could run for refuge also turn her back on me. I became a one-woman army fighting to save myself from destruction. I couldn’t talk to my father. He had been sick for over a year and was totally immobile. He spent his days in bed with cloth covering his body up to his neck. It was my mother who bathed him, clothed him, and gave him drugs each day. Before his sickness, he was everything to us. He was a teacher and also ran a poultry farm that was doing very well before the sickness forced him to retire from everything. It started small. It didn’t look like something that could push him into that state. He spent a lot of money trying to get healing until the sickness got serious right at the point where he didn’t have anything left. So all the burden fell on my mother.

Yes, there was suffering in the house but pushing me to accept the proposal of an old man because of money was a step too far. Each day when I returned from school, she asked me, “How did it go today? Did you say yes to him?” I lied, “Yes I’ve accepted him so we are there.” She said, “Start asking for money as soon as possible. Don’t allow him to sleep with you until he gives you money. And don’t be sneaky. Whatever he gives you, bring it home so we all can benefit.”

I was about to complete school so I decided to play around and push my luck until I complete and leave the school. The headmaster didn’t come forward again. He only looked at me from a distance. I did my best to also stay far away from him. At some point, my mother got to know that I’d been lying about accepting the proposal of the headmaster because I wasn’t coming home with anything. She called me selfish and called me holy Mary. When I came home and there was no food, she blamed me. When there was little to eat, she gave it to my younger brothers and asked me to fend for myself. I stood firm until I finish writing my BECE. Just a day after, my father died.

We were all shattered but my situation got worse because my mother blamed me for the death of my father. I was wailing about the death of my father when my mom walked to me, “Why are you crying? Ain’t you happy that he’s dead? What did you do to help when he was alive? We had the chance to get money for his drugs but you blocked that chance. Your father’s ghost will never forgive you.” While they cried for the death of my father, I cried for his death and also cried for not being able to help. Today, I look back with a lot of heaviness on my heart not because of the death of my father but because of all those bitter things my mother said to me. At some point, I asked if she was really my mother. I asked my aunt about it and she thought I was crazy. She said, “Don’t you see the resemblance? Who could give birth to a girl like you if not Akua?”

Dead people belong to the grave so my dad was sent to his grave a month later. But what my mother told me didn’t enter the grave with my father. I stayed with me. It weighed on me. It burdened my conscience. One day my mom asked me, “What type of apprenticeship do you want to enter into? Say it now so I can prepare to send you there.” I had no intention to be an apprentice. All I wanted to do was go to SHS and later go to the university. I went to my headmaster and said yes to him. He was kind. He gave me money often and I sent it home. When he got to know that my mother was aware of our relationship, he started talking to her directly about my future. He promised to help me go to SHS and promised to help my mother too in any way that he could.

My result came and I’ve made awesome grades. It was the headmaster who bought everything for me and took me to school. His wife saw us often but didn’t think we were an item. She thought her husband was mentoring me to become a better adult in the future. Honestly, the headmaster did very well. Apart from the incessant ask for intimacy, he took the place of my father perfectly. He came to visit me in school and brought me provisions. He paid my fees in full each term and gave me pocket money throughout the term. I shared my pocket money with my mom. When she didn’t have money, she asked me to tell the man to send me money. I think my education and everything that came with it took a toll on the man so he stopped giving my mother money. My mother started telling me to start looking for another man who will give me more; “You’re in the city now. The city is full of rich young men. Open your eyes. Don’t send your eno Mary behavior there. My daughter, open your eyes.”

I was in my third year when my best friend’s father came to visit her. The man took a special interest in me the very first minute he saw me. Whenever he called his daughter, he asked her to give the phone to me to talk to me. One day he asked me, “Can you come to Accra?” I said, “Yes I can.” He said, “I mean you alone. You won’t tell your friend about it.” I said, “Yes I can come without her.” I met him in Accra and he took me to a shop and bought a new dress and wig for me. I changed in his car and he took me to a hotel he had booked in my name. I spent the whole weekend with him in the hotel. When I was leaving for school, He gave me money. It’s the biggest money I’ve ever held in my hand. GHC2,000. I went back to school and placed the whole money under my bag. I met him often and each time when I was leaving, he gave me GHC2000.

Weeks rolled into months, months rolled into terms until I finally completed SHS. When I completed SHS, I had close to GHC9000 in my bag. When my junior brother was going to SHS, I paid for everything and gave him pocket money. I had become the breadwinner of my house just when I was nineteen years old. My mother kept asking for more. She kept telling me to look out for men who will take care of the family. She kept pushing me to the wall with demands I can only meet when I sleep with men. She made me feel I’m the only way through which the family can feed. While I was doing all that, I kept regretting that I didn’t do it earlier to save my father from dying. She succeeded in making me feel guilty for my dad’s death so I was determined to make amends.

The headmaster left me when I was going to the university. He felt I’d overgrown him and how much he could pay to make me happy. He saw the way I dressed and felt there was someone else in my life who was providing all that. One day he said, “I know you don’t like me again. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about it. You’ve gone to school to meet better people but don’t forget all the good things I’ve done for.” He wanted goodbye shuperu so I gave it to him and he left me alone.

My friend’s father was doing the most for me. It got to a point he became so obsessed with me that he wanted to see me every day. I didn’t love him. I was seeing him because of his money but money is limitless so if your aim in life is to get money then you’ll never be satisfied in life. Because of that, I met other men who could give me money. Money because I had responsibilities at home. When I was in my second year at the university, my immediate junior brother was in SHS three and the youngest one was in SHS one. I was the one paying their fees and giving them pocket money. I even set my mother up in business. She started selling Sugar, rice, raw beans, gari, and those things. I thought that would cater to her needs but she did her best to run the business down and started asking for money from me.

The day I completed the university, I made it a point never to go back home again. I’d started hating my mother and hating everything that she stood for. One of the men rented a place for me in Accra so I had no need to go back home. I stayed in Accra and completed my national service. One of the men I was dating then pulled strings for me so I was retained at where I did my national service. I was earning my own money so I decided to lay all the men off and start living my own life. It was hard—one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to take but I had my future ahead of me and wasn’t ready to jeopardize it.

I went home to visit my mother one day and she started complaining, “You brothers failed their papers and ought to write remedial but these days the money you send home isn’t enough. How can they do it? When it gets to a point like this, I remember your father. If only he was here, we wouldn’t be going through all that but it’s all your fault. he’s no longer here with us.” That day I don’t know what came over me, I nearly beat my mother. “You still dare blame me for the death of a man who got sick for more than a year? Are you crazy? I won’t be surprised if you killed him with your own witchcraft. Let me tell you, I won’t allow you to bring that witchcraft on me. I’ve carried the burden of the death of my father for so long. My neck is breaking. I’ve done crazier things just to pacify for sins I never commit. How dare you continue to judge me after all these years?”

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She started throwing curses at me. “You want to beat your mother? I carried you in my womb for nine months. What can you do to match that? Today you call me a witch because you think your hand can reach your mouth? I swear you’ll suffer in life before you reach my age. Do you want to beat me? Come closer and beat me. Do you think I don’t know what you did to get to where you are? Ashawo! Hooooo.”

Herrrh….

My junior brothers came to pull me away. I told them, “From now onwards you guys are on your own. I’ve carried the burden for so long, I need rest. You’re men. There’s a way you can make it. Figure it out and take that way. As for your mother, God will deal with her.” I left the house without saying a word. My mom doesn’t know where I live in Accra and my brothers don’t know too. I got to Accra and changed my phone number. My family can’t reach me but most importantly, all those men can’t reach me too. Time to sit down and figure out my life. There are so many people I’ve hurt. That my friend whose father I slept with. All those men who thought I was doing it out of love. Time to seek penance for all those wrongs I did while on my way here.

I don’t even blame my mother. She had a role to play but the responsibility rests on me. I haven’t heard of them since August. I miss them. I think of them and think of how they are surviving. Christmas is at the corner. I think of how they are going to celebrate it. What would they wear and what would they eat? I miss them but nothing will make me go back to them. They’ll learn to plant their own flowers and decorate their own souls. I survived. They too can. Without me. Going back to them means going back to the way I used to be. This job I’m doing can’t take care of all their needs, including mine. If I bring them back into my ship, I will begin to sink and that will push me to press the SOS button. A girl gets tired and it’s ok if she decides to seek rest.

–Golden

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