On my boyfriend’s birthday, I posted him on social media wishing him the best of life and good health. Of course, I received a lot of comments from friends, wishing us well and telling us how good we look together. A friend I hadn’t met for so long messaged me that day. She asked, “Since when have you been with Noah?” The question that came to my mind was, “How is that an issue to discuss with someone I haven’t seen in so many years?” But I answered, “I’ve known him for a long time. Why? Is anything the issue?” She said, “No, not really. I was wondering if you really know him and the kind of person he is.” That got me curious. I asked her, “Do you know him? Is there anything you would like me to know about him?”

She read the messages but didn’t respond. I kept checking on her to see if she had responded. I even sent additional messages asking her to talk to me but she didn’t say anything. I didn’t have her number to call so when after a week or so I haven’t received a response to the messages I sent, I decided to ignore her and move on with the man in my life. 

There’s love that comes out of nowhere. You meet a person in a flash and don’t think anything about him. Another day you meet him again and he tells you, “It looks like I know you from somewhere. Were you not the girl I met at a so-so-and-so place? Do you remember? That day you were wearing a red top and a white skirt. You had a file in your hand and climbing upstairs when we met. I said hello and you said hi. Do you remember?” You remember your red top and remember the white skirt but you don’t remember the day you wore them together. You think of the number of men you’ve said hi to on that stairs and tell yourself, “They are too many to remember who is who.” But you don’t want him to feel bad for not remembering the encounter he was describing so you play along and say, “Oh yeah I remember. I remember vividly the event just that some details are lost to me. How are? Good to meet you again.” 

Good to meet you again turns into a conversation. The conversation ends in an exchange of contacts. Exchange of contacts leads to a date. A couple of dates later, you realize you like him the same way he says he likes you so you say yes to his proposal. Not absolutely yes. You say something like, “Anyway, let’s see how it goes. Let’s give it a try and see where the tides will carry us.” You give love a chance because you saw in him what you like. You found something about him that deserves your love. That’s how our love story goes. It came out of nowhere. It started as a fragrance on the stairs when he first saw me and later turned into a fire when he proposed to me. 

So when I told that friend of mine that I’ve known Noah for a very long time, it wasn’t the whole truth. He’s someone I met and fell in love with. We had dated for only one year when my friend asked me that question. She didn’t respond to my messages so I took her picture and showed it to Noah: “Do you know this girl?” He looked at the photo. He took the phone from my hand and looked at it closely. He asked, “Is that the only photo of hers you have?” So I went to her Facebook profile and copied another photo and showed it to him.” He said, “No, she doesn’t look like someone I know. If I had met her, I would remember.” I said, “It looks like she knows you. She asked me about you.”

One morning, I got a message from that friend. At long last, she responded to my messages. She said, “I’m asking you that question because I know that guy very well. He dated my cousin and it later turned ugly. If he’s your boyfriend then be careful because he’s a dangerous guy.” 

“What’s this girl talking about? I’ve dated Noah for a year. There hasn’t been a time that he had shown any sign of aggression or danger in any way. On the contrary, I feel protected when I’m with him. So what is she talking about?” 

I asked her cousin’s name and she said “Anna.” I asked what happened between him and Anna that makes him dangerous. She told me, “Go and ask him. If he’s honest, he’ll tell you the truth. The only thing I can say is that be careful. He can be very dangerous.” 

The way she was relaying the information was very annoying. She was ready to call him names but wasn’t ready to give the reason why she thinks he was dangerous. “Why should I ask him? I thought you were telling me everything so I stay careful around him. Why don’t you go ahead and say everything? You’re getting me worried and scared for no reason. Just go ahead. Say everything. I believe you. If My life is in danger, then I’ll know how to handle it from here.” I talked and talked and talked, even begged her to tell me what she knows about him. This girl kept repeating, “I’ve told you about my cousin Anna. Ask him if he knows Anna. If he doesn’t tell you the truth, then it means he’s hiding a lot of his past from you. Be careful.”

I chuckled and stopped chatting. She was just being a time-waster. “If indeed there was something to talk about, she might have said it the very first day. Let me just forget about her and live my life. After all, Noah hasn’t been anything apart from a boyfriend. There’s a role he plays in my life and he plays that role almost effortlessly and perfectly. That’s fine with me. Whatever happened between him and Anna clearly belongs to his past. I won’t hold that against him,” I consoled myself. 

So for a long time, I didn’t ask him about Anna. We were having a conversation about the past events of our lives when suddenly I felt the urge to ask him about Anna. Actually, the question came out of nowhere. I asked, “Do you still talk to Anna?” He asked, “Who’s Anna?” I said, “You haven’t dated anyone called Anna?” 

His mood changed. He switched from fun to defensive in a matter of seconds. 

“How did you know about Anna?”

“The girl I showed her picture to you the other time, you remember? She’s the cousin of Anna. She told me.”

“And what did she say about me and Anna?”

“She only mentioned the name and asked me to ask the rest of the story from you. Is anything the problem?”

“So you mean she just mentioned Anna but didn’t go ahead to tell you what happened between me and Anna?”

“She said you dated her. That’s all. And she said it didn’t go well between you two. And she said I should get the rest of the story from you.”

He was quiet. Too quiet for me to know that he was processing something in his head. “Noah, what’s the issue? What happened that you don’t want to tell me? You even look upset.” He responded calmly, “Anna is an ex. We dated for three years and later called it quit. That’s all. The only thing was that the breakup was messy. That’s all I can say.”

So I sent a message to that friend again: “I’ve spoken to him. He said Anna is just someone he once dated and broke up with. That’s all he told me.” She responded, “He didn’t add that he ended up in prison? Where he spent two weeks until his family paid bribes to the police for the case to be quashed? He didn’t say that?” I said, “Really? That’s what happened? How? Why?” She plunged into the details, “He was abusive. It wasn’t physical at first. It was verbal. And then it turned into emotional abuse. One day he slapped Anna for not responding to his messages quickly enough. He slapped her another time because Anna was on phone talking to another guy in his presence. That guy was Anna’s cousin. He beat her at any least chance, often without provocation so Anna decided to walk out. She sent the breakup message through text. He read the message and later lured Anna to his place, locked her up, and beat her into changing her mind. For two days he kept her in his room, abusing her, asking her to change her mind or stay locked up in his room forever. So Anna agreed to stay in a relationship with him and promised never to leave him. When he released her, Anna went to make a case against him and he got arrested.” 

I said in my head, “No Noah can’t do that. Not my Noah. I’ve known him for over a year and he hadn’t shown any sign of aggression whatsoever. He’s a good guy. Maybe he was like that when he was young. You know people change. Three years ago is long enough for him to change his life. Maybe I’m having the better version of Noah. He’s definitely better than a boy who abuses his girlfriend.” 

Anything just to convince myself that Noah had changed. 

I didn’t want to ask him. I wanted to keep it to myself until he himself opens up about it. But then I couldn’t. I thought about it. I started judging his moves. I started looking at him differently. When he screamed on the phone, I told myself, “Ok, he hasn’t changed. He’s only hiding behind a mask.” When he disagreed with me on petty issues, I thought of what the girl told me and felt scared. So finally I asked him, “Noah, you were arrested because of Anna. What really happened?”

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He said, “It’s a long story. I don’t want to visit the past. It brings me bad vibes. Everything that happened in that relationship hurts to think about it. But yes, I went to the cells for it which I shouldn’t have. Let’s not talk about it please.” I pressed, “Did you abuse her? Verbally? Physically? You beat her often?” He answered, “I didn’t do any of these.” I said, “You didn’t lock her up in your place for two days?” He answered, “It’s all in the past now. Don’t let us visit the past like that. The girl who gave you that information is lying. I only don’t want to go into details but she’s lying. Let’s leave it there.”

We left it there but I’m worried. I think about it very often. Now, I shrink around him so I don’t make a mistake. When I do something and he gets angry, I get scared. I don’t even visit him until I’m sure he’s no longer angry. It looks like I’m unconsciously and consciously judging him, thinking he’ll get worse and do the same thing to me, especially when he’s not forthcoming with the truth. Is that a reason enough to walk out? How long should I wait and see what happens? I believe what the girl told me because of his demeanor when he was talking about it. You see he’s guilty from the way he kept hiding the details but would he do it again? If he beat his girlfriend three years ago, is it likely for me to suffer the same fate in his hands?

It was all fine when I didn’t know this story. I got to know it and now I’m not fine even when he hadn’t done anything to me. It’s only a year. This love will get old at some point and I’m scared that’s the point his true colors would seep through the cracks. What should I do?  

–Duku

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