I and my husband are going through a divorce. We started a year ago. I saw it coming but I thought it was something we could work through it. I bore a lot of disgrace and name-calling from him because of our daughter. I wanted to stay and make it work. So when he called me names, stood in front of my parents, and called me a thief, I took it all in and apologized for wrongs I never committed. Until one morning, he looked into my face and said, “I want a divorce. This will not work no matter how hard I tried to accommodate your stupidity. Maybe I’m wrong for you. You’re also wrong for me. Let’s call this whole thing a mistake and go our separate ways.” I said, “If that will make you happy, let’s get through with it. I’m equally tired. I need a place to rest my tired head.”

He moved out the next day. He picked a bag and left. He didn’t say anything until later in the evening when I realized he wasn’t coming. I called his phone to verify if he would return. He said, “Take the house. When the rent is due and you can renew, that’s up to you and the landlord. I will come over only when I’m coming for my things.” I called my father and told him what had happened. I was in tears when I was talking to him. No, I wasn’t sad. I was happy actually. It rather broke my heart that I wasn’t the one who suggested the divorce. I should have been the one because I was the one he treated badly. My dad said, “Don’t cry, my daughter. Everything would be fine.” My mom’s voice was heard in the background shouting, “Tell her not to cry. We are here for her. She has a home with us every day.” 

I felt comforted. That night I slept with my wings and legs spread out. For several months, I had to shrink in my own bed so my skin won’t touch his skin by mistake. We had pillows but didn’t sleep on the pillows. He used the pillow to separate the bed into two halves. He said, “This is your half. Make sure you don’t cross.” I had to sleep with both eyes opened because each time I crossed, he held my legs and threw them off the bed. He’ll insult and call me a thief. He will demean me. He stripped my feathers off and threw me out to suffer the cold all alone. My life was miserable. 

The misery started when I lost my job. When I got pregnant, I had so many complications that took me away from work. I spent many days in the hospital bed than in my own bed. Some days I felt like dying. Somedays I called the nurse and told them to have mercy on me and end it for me. The pain was too much for me to bear but I pulled through and had a safe delivery.  I thought my health would improve after delivery but it got worse. For weeks I couldn’t carry my own daughter in my arms because my hands were so weak I couldn’t lift them up. I threw up whatever I ate. I bled for no reason at all. When maternity leave was over, I still couldn’t go back to work until they sent me a letter terminating my contract.

I got well but it was hard for me to get a new job. My husband was doing everything for us. When I had a job, I was supporting. I no longer had a job so the support cease coming. One day he asked me, “Have you taken money from my bag?” I said pleadingly, “No I haven’t. I will tell you before I take anything that belongs to you and you know it. I haven’t.” Days later he said, “You stole the money. You’re the only one I live with. Who else can walk in here and steal from me?” We argued about it. The next thing I knew he had called my parents to tell them that I’ve been stealing from him. Do you know the sad thing? My parents believed him.

My mother: “Adjoa, we know it’s hard since you don’t have a job but you don’t have to steal from your husband. His money isn’t yours. Until he gives it to you, you have no right to his money.”

Me: “Mom, I didn’t take the money. Yes, I’m struggling but I won’t steal from him.”

My dad: “He’s your husband. Apologize to him and promise him that you’ll never take his money again.”

Me: “Dad, I never took his money, believe me.”  

He didn’t give me housekeeping money for days. I begged him and knelt before him to give me something since I had nothing left. He walked over me and left me and the baby to starve. When it became too much than I could stand, I brought my parents back into the issue. They talked to him and they made me apologize to him before he started giving us money again.

Barely a month later, He said, “You’ve stolen my money again? What happened to the money I put in the drawer?” I told him, “George, it looks like we are living with invisible beings who walk here to steal your money. Me? I don’t even remember the last time I saw money around this house.” We went through the same cycle again—he not giving us money. Me begging him to give us something. He calling my parents and later making me apologize for sins I didn’t committed.

He could wake up from his sleep and tell me, “I dreamt and saw you talking to a man in my dreams. Are you cheating on me?” He always sought ways and means to accuse me of things I’ve never done. I thought my presence in the house was the reason he was doing all that so I asked permission from him to go and spend some days with my parents. He agreed. Two weeks later, I was in my parents’ house when I saw his mother’s call on my phone. I was all happy and smiling when I picked the call until his mother said, “Your husband has made a complaint. He said you’ve abandoned your marital home and had moved to your parents. He struggles to eat and struggles to get by yet, you stay with your parents without thinking about him.”

This issue brought a huge rift between the two sides of the family. In a meeting between my parents and his parents, my husband got up and called me a thief. Each time he had to mention my name or refer to me he said, “That thief…” My father asked him to stop calling me a thief but he maintained his position. All through this, I stayed because he is the father of my daughter.

When he called for divorce and left the house, he came around often to pick some of his things. One day, he left with our daughter. In the evening I called to ask if I should come for her. He said, “Yeah you can come.” He gave me direction and I went to pick her up. Guess what, there was a woman in the room with him when I got there. The lady saw me and moved inside the bedroom. We had separated for only three months yet he was already seeing another woman. I came home and cried. If I had any hopes of him returning, what I saw that day buried that hope. 

We both don’t have any properties in our names. Our marriage was only four and a half years old. I was only praying for the day the divorce would be finalized so I could also move on. One day the lawyer handling the divorce called me. He said he wanted a meeting with me. I got there and my husband was already there. I thought we were going to have the final meeting that brings the final dissolution to the marriage. The lawyer said, “There’s a new development. Your husband doesn’t want to go through with the divorce again. He wants to stay and work on the marriage.” I turned and looked at him. He looked back at me and later turned away.

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I said, “Please go ahead with the divorce. I have no interest left in the marriage.” I got up and left them in the room. My parents called me to come home. I went there and he was already there with my parents. His mission was the same. He wants to stay and work on the marriage. I asked my parents, “So you sat there and listened to him? Do you think I will return to this? No. Never. Days later, his parents called me and I went. They said the same thing to me and begged me to return to the marriage. I said, “This is the third place he had invited me concerning his return to the marriage. Let me ask, what is preventing him to come to me himself and tell me the words he’s putting in the mouth of other people? All of a sudden he can’t talk for himself?”

Days later, he came home with the first bag he left with. He said, “I’m coming back.” I looked at him from head to toe and said, “You’ve lost your way. This is not the place you return to when the world disappoints you. I’m sorry George. We are not doing this.” He said, “Adjoa, I’ve realized my mistake. You don’t have to be hard on me. We can work it out if we put our heads together.” I said, “Yesterday, I was with a man. I’ve been with him for a while now. He’s the reason I have a job now. Do you feel ok, knowing that I’ve been with someone else?” He was quiet. I think he was shocked. He said, “I’m not worried. Let’s work on what is left.”

I’m not ready to give him any chance in my life. My parents think I should. Some friends have called asking me to consider. His family had been on my neck pleading with me to take him back. But through all the numerous calls for me to get back with him, he himself had not mentioned a single reason he wants to come to a marriage he ran away from. They say I should ask him. To me, asking him will feel like there’s a chance for him if he’s able to convince me. I’m not going to do that job for him. I don’t see him in my future. We have a daughter together. He’s free to come for her whenever he wants but he can’t come for me. 

–Adjoa

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