My love life has been nothing but pain. I give my all to relationships but I haven’t been lucky with men. When I met Parti, I thought my days of crying over men were over. I was sure that he was my forever. We were good together. He effortlessly made me happy. He understood me in ways most people don’t. It made it easy for me to talk to him. I often told him everything.

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One time, I had to travel for a few days with a male friend. I told Parti about it and he seemed fine with it. He didn’t complain or say it made him uncomfortable. I kept him updated every step of the trip.

When I got back he was different. The understanding boyfriend I spoke to throughout my journey turned into a cold accusing man. He said I cheated on him. He didn’t believe I spent a few days in another town with a man and nothing happened between us.

When I saw how angry he was, I admitted, “Now that you’ve told me how it looks, I have seen that it was a poor decision on my part to go on the trip with him. I am sorry that I went. I promise it won’t happen again.”

He didn’t accept my apology. That didn’t stop me from apologising over and over again. I knew that nothing happened but the fact that my going caused a misunderstanding in the first place made me feel the need to right my wrong. No matter what I said, Parti was not moved. He left me for another woman.

Even after he moved on, I tried to fix things between us but he was too far gone. Eventually, I accepted that we were over. I still loved him but the man made his choice. As much as it hurt, I had to let him go.

A few months down the line, I was still struggling to move on when he came back bearing a bouquet of apologies.

“I am sorry I didn’t believe you. I should not have allowed my anger to drive me to make a hasty decision. Dating another woman to get over you was a bad move. If there’s no man in your life, would you consider taking me back? I want us to try again.”

At first, I said no. I wanted to heal in peace. However, after much thought, I decided to give us another chance. I still loved him, you know.

He also confessed that he never stopped loving me. When I finally called to tell him I was ready for us to reconcile, he gave me news that shattered me. We met at his office to talk. He said, “I just found out that the woman I left you for is pregnant.” He couldn’t hide his excitement as he told me this.

“I am happy for you, congratulations!” I said with forced cheer.

Why wouldn’t I be happy for him? He was happy he was going to be a father. Even when we were together, he always talked about how much he wanted to have a child. He told me he didn’t want to make anyone a baby mama, so he was going to marry her.

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I don’t know where the tears came from, but they rolled down my cheeks before I could stop them.

“I know what I just said but please, don’t leave me.” He said he still loved me and that if I took him back, he would figure out what to do. Then he kissed me and whispered softly, “Don’t forget me. Even if you choose to walk away, never forget me.”

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I loved him. Oh, I still do. But what exactly can he figure out when another woman is having his child? I didn’t want to have that conversation with him. It would just get tearful and messy. To cut out the drama, I quietly walked away. I just cut off all forms of communication with him.

I know I made the right choice but why does it feel like I did something wrong by not choosing my happiness? I didn’t want to be selfish and hurt another woman. I should be happy I did the right thing. I am not though. I am just thinking about how I am going to start this love journey all over when I am 32.

— Ewuraama

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