When my mother died, I was sixteen years old. My dad had disappeared out of our lives long ago, and the next time we heard of him was about his death. My mom was all I had; my yesterday, today, and my tomorrow. When she died, she took away my today and my tomorrow and left the yesterday. I was very miserable. The family planned the funeral around me but never had any plan for my future.

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Before her funeral, I could starve for days because no family member was willing to claim me. I would go to my aunt’s place for a day and then my uncle’s for another day. They all had their lives figured out, and they made their lives too tight there was no place for me to fit in.

The day my mom was laid in state, I saw her ghost. Everyone said it was a dream, but I knew what I saw. She was seated outside of the house that hosted her dead body. I stood there and watched her for seconds. She nodded and disappeared. When I told my aunt, she called me crazy. My uncle believed me a little but said, “It could also be a dream.”

After the funeral, it was my mom’s close friend, Aunt Akos, who took me to live with her. Her husband had money. They needed a house help, but when I went there, they told me I would go to school and also help around. They fed me, they bought clothes for me, they paid my fees, and I worked like a horse to support the home.

I saw my mom again in my room. I nearly shouted, but it was late at dawn and I felt I would wake everyone up. She was in the corner of the room watching me. I sat on my bed shaking. I told myself it was a dream until I saw my door being pushed open slowly. It was the husband of Aunt Akos. I thought he had heard me shout or something, but when he saw me seated on my bed, he asked why I was awake. I said my mother was in the room. I was shivering. He looked around and called me crazy.

Another night, I saw my mom in my dream. She was pushing me to run. When I stayed, she slapped me and said, “Run!”

When I woke up, Aunt Akos’s husband was opening my door. He came to see me seated on my bed. Again, he asked why, and I told him, “My mom is here.” He screamed, “Stop that devilish act and sleep, or you’ll leave this house.”

It got me thinking, “Why does he always come into my room when my mom has come around?” Or, “Why does my mom come before he opens my door?”

I started having a weird thought about him. That he wanted to abuse me so I was careful around him. At night, I locked my door, but when he attacked, it was afternoon. No one was in the house with us. He grabbed me from behind and started telling me to hush. I didn’t. I screamed. I fought my way out of his grip or, more like, he let me go because I was shouting.

I was about to complete SHS, so I planned to leave after my exams. Aunt Akos didn’t understand why I wanted to leave. She called me ungrateful. “Where were those uncles of yours when your mom died? Now that you’ve completed school and we will benefit from you, you’re going to stay with them?”

I cried. She thought I was crying because she mentioned my mom, but I did because I wished she knew why.

I left to stay with my mother’s elder brother, who had softened his heart for me since he himself lost his wife. He was a lecturer in a nursing school, so when I went to live with him, I knew he would help me through nursing, but he said, “Go to the university. Your grades are excellent.”

All those years, I didn’t see my mom until I started dating a married man in my fourth year. I had to because I was starving and also finding it hard to pay for things that required money. My uncle was doing his best. He even called his other siblings to help, but they all gave him excuses.

The first night I spent with the married man, I saw my mom in my dream. She was chasing me with wɔma funu (I don’t know the English name for that). It was too late to change anything. I was a virgin, but I gave it all away to that man that night. He provided. He made life easier. He called me his love and made me a place in his life.

When I completed university, I wanted to cut him off. Even when I ghosted him and didn’t pick up his calls for days, he would text me and say, “I don’t know what the problem is, but if you need help, you know I’m always a call away.”

I tried, but he wouldn’t allow himself to be cut off. During my graduation, he was there, though I didn’t invite him. I was yearning to see my mother’s face in the crowd, but she was nowhere to be found. My uncle was there. My aunt too. Aunt Akos also came. Her hug was tight and pure.

Before I started my national service, I spoke with the married man. I told him I appreciated everything he had done for me but that I wanted things to end. He asked me, “You don’t even want me as a friend?” I asked, “Friends without strings attached?” He answered, “Yeah, if that’s what you want.”

I agreed, so he stayed in my life. He didn’t give me anything until I asked, but it was okay. I asked only when I didn’t have any other option, and I asked for little things.

I had a job after service. It was an okay job, a job you use to wait for your bigger break. While there, the manager of the place started making advances toward me. He was a young man and also not married. In my mind, that was what he did to every lady there, so I tried to avoid him. I didn’t pick up his calls after work. When he asked why, I told him I lived with my parents, and they hated it when I spoke on the phone at night. He asked, “Even text messages?” I responded, “I’m not the texting type.”

I did everything to get him off my neck, but he kept coming. I even told my married man about it and asked him to get me a job so I could run from my current one. One night, in my dreams, my mom appeared. I hadn’t seen her in years. She kept screaming, “Tina hɔ aaa”—as in, I should continue staying there and not move. I kept asking, “I should sit where?” She responded, “I said stay there and don’t go anywhere.”

I figured she was talking about my job because it was the only place I was thinking of leaving. “But if she’s encouraging me to stay there, is she not encouraging me to take the manager seriously?” I asked myself. As time went on, I started entertaining the manager. I had no choice because that guy didn’t know how to give up.

When he finally proposed, he didn’t say anything like, “I love you and want you to be my girlfriend…” He went straight to the point: “I want you to be my wife. I’ve pursued you all this while because everything in me says you’re the one.”

We got married six months later. It was a small wedding, the traditional kind and later, we went to the court to sign. The very night after we had signed in court, I had the longest dream I’d ever had about my mom. She was laughing. She was apologizing for making me suffer. She said a lot of other things I forgot by the time I woke up, but what I didn’t forget was when she smiled, waved, and walked away.

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I woke up from the dream and found myself in my husband’s embrace. I shed silent tears. They flowed from both eyes, but I made it so subtle it wouldn’t wake him up from his sleep. I got it. She led me to where it was safe and left.

Eight years and three kids later, I haven’t seen her in my dream again, even after I’ve prayed and begged her to come. I wanted her to meet my daughter. I wanted her to see Joe when he was born. She didn’t come. I guess she’s telling me, “I left you where it’s safe, so you can take it up from there.”

—Ernestina 

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