I am a thirty-one-year-old woman married to a thirty-six-year-old man. My husband and I have been married for the past six years, and we have two wonderful children. We all live in a chamber and hall apartment. For a while now, we’ve been living on a tight budget so as to complete our building project. The plan is that by the time our rent expires, our building would have been ready. This way we wouldn’t spend any more money on rent. Due to this, we both accepted that we can’t have everything we want. We’ve sacrificed a lot of luxuries for the progress of the bigger picture. 

Currently, my husband’s parents are no longer together. His mother lives with his two younger sisters in a rented apartment like ours. Both of these sisters have kids with deadbeat men who don’t contribute any money to the upbringing of their children. And the girls too don’t do any work to take care of their children. They leave the kids for their mother and go out with friends, partying from one place to the other. My mother-in-law who is well advanced in age is the one who strives to provide for the basic needs of these grandchildren. 

At her age, she goes to find menial jobs to do to earn money for their upkeep. Sometimes we send her money, but because of our tight budget, we are not able to send much. I always ask my husband, “How is it that two young women who have the ability to work, have left their toddlers for an old woman to look after? Why are your sisters doing that to your mother?” My husband’s response is mostly, “I have told her several times to give the children back to girls and wash her hands off them but she has refused. She says she can’t stand by and watch my sisters do a poor job of taking care of them.” 

We have had conversations with the girls several times about the level of stress their mother is dealing with because of the children. But they don’t seem to care enough to alter their lifestyle and act responsibly. These past few weeks we’ve been receiving complaints from neighbors that my mother-in-law has been drinking heavily. At first, we thought it was a joke or an elaborate lie to get our attention. But as the days went by the reports continued. Some of it came from friends who often run into her in town. “Is everything okay with your family? I saw your mother drinking in a bar. She had your sisters’ children with her.” One person told my husband. 

We went to visit her and we also saw it for ourselves. She was drunk by the time we arrived, and seeing her like that hurt me very much. While all this is going on, my sisters in law are barely home. All they do is roam in town as if they don’t have any responsibilities. My mother-in-law too has a health condition that shouldn’t be matched with alcohol. We tried to talk to her and keep an eye on her from afar but it hasn’t done much to change her behavior. I love this woman very much so her drinking habit disturbs me greatly. I felt it would be much better if she moved in with us so that we could keep her close and help her.

So one day I told my husband, “The way your mother is practically all by herself with the two little children is not helping her get better. Someone needs to take care of her and we are the best people to do that. I am sure that if she comes to live here, our presence will reduce the amount of alcohol she consumes. And gradually, we can help her stop completely.” Immediately after I said that my husband responded, “I am glad you brought this up because I have also been thinking about it. I didn’t know if you would agree for her to move in with us with my sister’s kids so I was waiting for a good time to discuss it. But now that it’s out, let’s talk about it.” I was surprised, “You mean you want your mother and the two little children to move here? In this our chamber and hall apartment?” “Yes,” he replied, “They will have the hall, and we’ll share the bedroom with our children.”

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 As much as I want my mother-in-law to come live with us, I don’t want her to come along with her grandchildren. I think this is the right time for her to leave the kids for their mothers to take care of. If they don’t learn responsibility now, when will they learn it? I told my husband, “No, the children can’t come. We are running on a tight budget as it is already. Now you want to take in more mouths to feed? Let your sisters do what they should have been doing long ago. We only have room for your mother.” My husband also insisted, “I know my mother. She will not agree to this arrangement unless we tell her she can bring my nieces along. So it’s either we leave her where she is with them, or bring them all here. Either way, she won’t leave them behind.”

 I am really angry that my sisters-in-law are comfortable letting their mother suffer over their children. Now when she moves in with them, I will also have to tend to them. And I can’t do that. My youngest child is three years old, and one of my husband’s nieces is two. I can’t imagine how tedious it will be to deal with two little children in that age group. I am already stressed thinking about it. I cannot handle the children but my husband doesn’t seem to get it. He thinks we already have two children, so it shouldn’t be difficult to add two more. We have reached an impasse. We can’t take a step unless we come to a mutual agreement, and I don’t know how we can both have our ways, because none of us wants to compromise.

 I feel like I am a bad person for not wanting my husband’s nieces to come live with us. Please I need suggestions on how to go about this. 

—Millicent

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