A few weeks ago, a friend of mine introduced me to James, a divorced man with three children. I wasn’t comfortable with the thought of getting involved with a man like him. I felt he was too experienced for me. Unlike him, I have never been married. Neither have I had any kids.
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Another reason I wasn’t sure we would work out is the distance between us. I live in Europe while he is in West Africa. I kept wondering, “How will a relationship like this work?”
Nonetheless, two months into the talking stage, he showed enough commitment for me to decide it was worth a shot. So I opened myself up to get to know him better.
Our conversations started off well. He asked me a lot of questions. I answered the ones I thought appropriate. When he asked about my sex life, I didn’t give him answers. I honestly told him, “I am not ready to discuss such personal matters at this stage.”
James often sends me long sermons from his church. Sometimes they were nearly two hours long. The sermons were originally in French but translated into English, and they mostly focused on marriage. I didn’t listen to them. I asked him to summarise the messages for me instead.
Along the line, we were having a conversation when the topic of submission came up. I made my argument based on the Bible. I said a wife should submit to her husband, and the husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church. “What about you?” I asked him, “What do you understand by submission?”
“I believe a woman should obey her husband in all things.”
He went on to tell me that a woman is the king of the home, and whatever he says must be obeyed. He said that is what pleases Christ.
Based on what he said, I asked him a few questions. I just wanted to understand in practical terms what he meant by “the husband is the king of the home and must be obeyed at all times.”
My first question was, “Would you let your wife attend an office party or a baby shower?”
He responded, “Why should my wife be wandering around as if she’s single?”
Then I asked him again, “Would you have a problem if you ask your wife to wear a specific dress and she prefers something else?
He answered, “Is my wife supposed to dress to please herself or me? A wife should wear what her husband wants.”
Earlier in our conversations, he had already told me that his wife wouldn’t be allowed to have male friends. When I asked if that included old friends or work colleagues, he said she could talk to colleagues but shouldn’t get too comfortable with them. He didn’t want to risk it leading to romance.
I challenged some of his views. I told him he can’t control his wife in the name of submission. When I pointed out that there’s nothing wrong with a woman attending a baby shower or a work-related party, he told me to check the Bible for who a Proverbs 31 woman should be.
That was when I knew that I wasn’t cut out to be with him. This is a man who has already decided the way his wife should behave without giving his wife a say.
For instance, he told me that as a pastor, the woman he marries will be expected to lead the intercessory ministry in church.
“Why have you already decided that for her when you haven’t met her yet?”
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“I will discuss it with her first before enforcing it,” he replied.
After everything I have discussed with him, I am here asking myself, “What exactly is submission? When men ask for submission, what do they mean?”
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This submission thing, what does it truly look like, and what does it smell like? Most importantly, where do we draw the line between submission and control or manipulation?
Because honestly, everything he is describing doesn’t feel like love or partnership. It feels like a dictatorship wrapped in a Bible verse.
—Bernadine
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This might be the reason why his wife have left him. This is control not submissive
Submission means total submission. I stand with him 100%. He gave u a verse you can’t refute, why are you here seeking for validation to contend with the head of the house?
This isn’t submission. God has given us the freedom to choose so he has no right to take that from you in the name of being submissive. Please forget about even dating him.
There’s no one-size-fits-all. Submission (or any other thing) isn’t the same for all men.
I like the way you have asked questions to understand him better. But you should not dismiss all he said even if you don’t want to marry him. Some of his opinions may help you with another man.
One of the biggest problems women have is not understanding how men think. Men and women are not and can never be the same. Women who understand the differences between men and women have happier marriages.
His own meaning of submission is slavery. Please you won’t be happy with him.
No two marriages are alike, and each married couple define the way they want their relationship to operate. His requirements of a wife do not match yours.
You asked the right questions to determine this before any commitment.Move on and find someone who fits you better. Any more mental/emotional energy spent on this will be a waste.
Its okay for a woman to say she doesnt like a man with a small pipi or she doesnt like a short man or doesnt like a fair man but the moment a man says he doesnt like A DISRESPECTFUL woman andor manipulative woman then the name calling begins lol…
its like you this gender have been drinking kerosene for breakfast… lol
The question you should be asking is “how do I want to run the marriage?” Considering that he has 3kids already, will you relocate down to where he is and abandon your life there or you’ll pack all 4 of them and cater for them pending when he gets on his feet? Or you’ll do long distance marriage? Forget the man and find someone within your bracket that will reason alike.