We got married in 2016. Two young souls doing everything to seal the bond of love between them. I didn’t have much but I had the love of my wife, Maame Yaa and she agreed to marry me. Her mom called me on the phone and asked me, “Maame Yaa just told me that you guys are planning a small wedding. How small is your small?” I explained to her what we intended to do. She said, “Nooo, you can’t do that. You should have a wedding that glorifies your marriage and also brings honour to the home of the wife. If it’s about money, don’t worry. We are ready to support you to have a befitting wedding.”

I was young and life was new to me. I didn’t want to do anything that would put a hole in my pocket so I agreed to her suggestion and they took over the planning of the wedding reception. Maame Yaa’s parents had the money. Unlike mine, they have their own company and also manage a lot of ventures that bring them money. We got married in August 2016. Our wedding looked foreign to me because most of the things that happened weren’t my plan but they all came together to make the occasion beautiful. 

Two years later we didn’t have a child. The alarm bells started ringing in our ears. Every conversation of ours turned into why and how we didn’t have kids when we had been doing everything couples do. We started visiting facilities. They found fault with me and found fault with her too. The specialist told us, “You don’t have to be scared, it can be solved and you both would be fine.” They gave us drugs and took our money but nothing happened. We changed hospitals and used herbal drugs but nothing happened. I was shooting blank but I was healed. My wife was also fine, they said, yet we couldn’t make babies. We visited pastors and followed their directions but four years later, we had nothing to show for it. 

Maame Yaa was breaking down. She cried a lot and I comforted her. When I was alone, I cried a lot too. “What’s happening to us? Our friends marry today and tomorrow they’re pregnant. What are we not doing right?” We prayed more and somewhere along the line she got pregnant. You could imagine our happiness. I don’t have words to describe it but we were like balloons in the skies or falling leaves. We danced n the winds and followed where the wind goes.

It started with a headache at dawn. We thought it was just a simple ache that painkillers would knock off so she took some paracetamol and continued sleeping. We woke up a few hours later to realize she had lost the pregnancy. We didn’t need doctors to tell us. Before we got to the hospital with her situation, we knew our baby wasn’t going to survive and it didn’t. We were back to square one, the dark hole where we blamed our fate and the universe for making things harder for us. Our balloon busted and we were back to the ground again. Seven years after marriage, we had nothing to show for it. 

Before the year ended last year, we both decided to do IVF. It was a decision we had to take because the pressure was becoming too much. My dad had been asking why and my mom had been thinking thoughts that weren’t pleasant. Her parents had been asking questions too. We were in the middle of a question storm and the only thing that could save us were answers. We needed quick answers before the straw we were holding on to slip through our fingers. The answer we thought about was IVF but when we consulted and heard the amount involved we both opened our mouths wide. We knew it was expensive but we never thought the price was quoted in dollars. 

We couldn’t afford it and we knew it but we had to do it by all means to have a baby. We went to another facility that gave us a lower price and even offered to give us a payment structure. The payment structure was very rigid, we couldn’t follow it so we decided to do things our way and at our own pace. We came home and started making plans towards it. I asked my wife how much she would contribute and she told me, “You’re going to be a father and you want me to pay for it? You want me to pay so you could be called Daddy? No, I can’t contribute. You’re the man.” 

I laughed. I thought she was joking. “What we have as a couple can’t afford and now you want me to do it alone? It looks like you don’t want it that much. Obviously.” It turned into an argument. I realized she was serious about her intention not to help. I walked out of the argument and decided that was it. We couldn’t do it. 

Maame Yaa would wake up in the morning asking me when I’m taking her to do it. She’ll nag, she’ll cry, she’ll call me names and tell me to do everything to make it happen. “I don’t have it, do you want me to steal?” I asked. She answered, “If you have to. Why not.” 

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The truth of the matter is, we can’t afford it unless we seek help. I went to my dad and talked to him about it. I needed any help he could give me. He told me, “You’re a man. You don’t have to break the bank to have a kid. Kids that everyone is having for free, even those who don’t deserve to have them? You’re going to pay this much for a pregnancy? How much does it cost to find another woman who can give you a child? It frees you both. She can go and get herself another man who can help her. Who knows, the two of you are just not compatible.” My mom agreed. She cornered me and told me to consider what my dad said.

That wasn’t new to me. That had always been his stand since day one when we started having issues. He was the last person to talk to but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t also tell my wife about what my dad said. When she asked me, I told her, “My dad has agreed to help. So ask your parents too to help. They were kind to us during our wedding. They shouldn’t find it hard to help us.” She told me, “They know about our problems but they can’t help. Why should they? It’s like taking me to another man to impregnate me. If you can’t do that then why should they pay to get me pregnant? If you started saving money from the day we were told, you would have reached somewhere by now.”

I want a child but she wants it more so her stand shocks me to the marrow. I asked who was advising her and she felt insulted. Finally, she told me, “I don’t have money so we shouldn’t get pregnant?” I answered, “We can get pregnant. Let’s forget about the IVF for now and continue praying. We are both miracle believers. It may happen in God’s time.” 

These days, she wakes up at dawn and goes through my phone looking for what she cannot find. She believes I have a child with another woman and it’s the reason I’m not doing much. She has accused me of cheating on her when she has no evidence. When I come home late from work, she fights with me. Some days she won’t cook. I’ll ask her and she’ll tell me she’s saving the money for IVF. Our home now is no longer a home. I have a wife who’ll fight me than stand next to me to weather the storm. Her mom called to ask what was our next step. I pretended I didn’t understand what she was saying. She couldn’t make it clear because it wasn’t hers to make clear. 

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Maybe I should leave the marriage to set both of us free. I should listen to my dad and get another woman pregnant to set the ball of divorce rolling. Clearly, what I have now is a war zone and not marriage. I wish I could go deeper into the problems but this is social media. You don’t know who’s reading. I’ve shared the surface of the issue but even that, you still can see a marriage running into a ditch because of the senseless entrenched position of my wife. 

Yes to my father or no? At this point, anything that promises happiness looks good in my eyes. I’ve suffered enough embarrassment from the outside and harassment from the inside. It’s time to make a decision but this is not an easy decision to make. 

–Nana

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