Three years ago, I was scrolling through my friend requests when I saw his.  I accepted, and he started texting me almost right away. From the very beginning, we had the right connection. He sounded like a man who knew what he wanted, and I liked that, so I let him in.

We moved to voice calls, and never once were they boring. Conversation flowed effortlessly between us. When he lost his job, and I resigned from mine, we suddenly had plenty of time to talk. We talked about everything: what we needed to do, what came next, and what came after that. By now, you can probably tell I am deeply attracted to good conversation, and along the way, I found myself developing feelings for him.

At one point, he asked me where I saw our friendship going, and I was honest. I told him I liked him.

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The confusing part is that he has never clearly said he likes me back. Yet he would make suggestive comments like, “If you were not so stubborn, we would be having a baby by now.” I always laughed those off, because he had never said he loved me or expressed any real intention of being with me.

He can go quiet for weeks, sometimes months, and then suddenly check in again as if no time has passed.

We have never met in person. Whenever he travels into the country, he goes straight to his home district and never makes plans to see me or come into the city where I live.

I find this very confusing. I have learned never to assume feelings that have not been clearly expressed. I am attracted to men who are bold and intentional, and I have not experienced that with him. I want a man who will lead and initiate, which he has never done. In three years of talking, no gifts have been exchanged, no financial support has been offered, not that I expected any, but it makes me believe he is not interested. I know how a man pursues a woman he loves. He hunts for her in interesting, consistent ways.

I understand what it means to be hurt, and I do not want to hurt myself by imagining feelings or intentions that are not there. Late last year, I tried to steer a conversation in a way that might prompt him to finally express himself, but it did not happen. Either he missed the hints, or the feelings simply are not there.

Recently, something strange happened. One morning, he texted me and we had a long, deep conversation about family and the future. It almost felt like we were discussing marriage and building a life. But then, that same afternoon, he went quiet. There was no goodnight message, so I sent one. He replied the next morning. I responded, and the conversation died again. It only picked up in the evening when I reached out first.

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I love conversation and connection, especially with someone I am emotionally involved with. Ideally, I want consistent communication. It makes me feel close and seen. This pattern has left me wondering: am I being clingy, or are these red flags I should not ignore?

—Aki

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