A while back, I made the decision to leave Enoch’s house, my baby daddy. Looking back, I’m not sure if I left for comfort, or if I was secretly hoping it would jolt him awake. I wanted him to have a change of heart about us.

Me and him, we have a history that stretches nine years. Through thick and thin, I stood by him. Even when my own family begged me to walk away for a moment of peace, I stayed. I knew they didn’t love him like I did. I remember telling him once, when he doubted me “It’s me and you until the Jesus comes. No turning back.”

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But loving Enoch hasn’t been easy. He has terrible anger issues, and when he is in that mood, it’s scary. He would flare up over the smallest things, like changing the TV channel. We were managing it, but it got worse after I fell pregnant. He would come home from work, full of pent up frustration, and take it all out on me. It got so dark that he would hit my baby bump. Even when I screamed in agony, it didn’t stop him. My mom hates him with a passion for it. But through it all, I coped. Even if I had the luxury to run, I stayed because he only had me. I was his only comforter, his only friend.

I know I just said all these terrible things about him, but beneath the anger, there is a sweet boy I once loved.

The day I finally packed my bags, it was because of a lie. He told me he was going to his brother’s place, but something felt off. When I called his brother to check, the truth came out. That same night, I found him online, shaming himself and professing love to more than one woman.

The betrayal cut deep. I called his family and they left me a piece of advice. “In our days, if you leave and he truly adores you, he will come running.” So, I left. I wanted to see if he would fight for me.

I look back and I just wanted to understand when he turned into a cheater. Nine years together, and it felt like I didn’t know him at all.

That is how I met Fofo.

He helped me find my feet when I was at my lowest. Thanks to him, I have a job now. I’m moving on, slowly.

But somewhere along the way, he informed me that love was nurturing in his heart for me.

I looked at him earnestly and pretended to not care but my actions after the subsequent days proved otherwise.

Just as I started to heal, and look at Fofo well, destiny changed my pokeman cards.

Since last October, Enoch has been in my shadows. Wherever I go, the air I breathe, he is there. He has changed. He is being a better man, the man he was nine years ago. Now, I feel torn between two worlds.

If I leave Fofo for Enoch, does that make me a bad person? Or does it just make me a girl who wants her son to have a happy family with his father?

I spoke to Fofo about it ” Should I choose you?” He replied, “Go. I will be hurt, but go. I will be fine.”

And that broke my heart even more. I am trying so hard not to hurt him. He has had his heart broken and stamped on by too many women. My betrayal might break a good man for good. My family adores him, especially my mom. She thinks I would be a fool to leave him for Enoch.

Right now, I feel like I am standing in the middle of a road. On one side, there are nine long years and the father of my child, who seems to be finding his way back to me. On the other side, there is a good man who picked up my pieces, who my family loves, and who loves me gently.

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I want them both. I don’t want to lose either of them.

What do you do when your past and your future are pulling you in opposite directions?

—China

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