I was very clear from the beginning that I didn’t want intimacy before marriage. I wasn’t a virgin, but I’d learned that what nearly killed me were the relationships I gave everything away in. I played the role of a wife when I didn’t even have an assurance of marriage. I thought giving everything away and doing it well secured a man’s heart for you. I was wrong, and I learned it the hard way.

FOLLOW US ON WHATSAPP CHANNEL TO RECEIVE ALL STORIES IN YOUR INBOX

The longest relationship I kept was three years. I nearly went under when it ended. The next tough one ended after a year. When you go through what I went through twice, you grow. You learn. You secure what’s left and protect it with everything you have. So I told Bright, “No sex, but I’ll love you the best way I can until we get to the top.”

He agreed. He said it was a distance relationship, so we wouldn’t have a problem. A month later, I went to visit him. He didn’t try to be intimate, but he asked a lot of questions about it. “What do you want to see before you let it go?” “Apart from marriage, you mean nothing will convince you to let it go?”

“I don’t know, but time will tell,” I said. “For now, only marriage will do.”

He came to visit too, and nothing happened. I liked that he wasn’t forcing it. I loved him more and more each day that he didn’t try to take it by force. So I let myself go around him. The distance was far, but I visited as often as I could. Because sex was off the menu, I had to find other non-intimate things to replace it. So I cooked. I washed. I bought gifts. I paid for dates sometimes. I sent him data he could hotspot to browse with.

He called it love. I called it love too. Very soon, we had done a year, and nothing had happened between us. The farthest had been a hug and sometimes a peck on the forehead when I woke up in the morning.

He initiated the marriage talks while I listened. He drew the roadmap. He said I had starved him for too long, and he couldn’t wait any longer, so he would marry me and I would pay for every round I owed through the years of abstinence. We laughed about it. I was ready. Once the ring was on, he could have it for breakfast, lunch, supper, and dinner.

He said he had a surprise for me, so I should come over for the weekend. He wouldn’t mention what it was, no matter how hard I tried. So Friday after work, I set off to see him. Immediately I walked through the door, he tied my eyes with a blindfold. I could hear him unwrapping something, then he said, “Stretch your fingers,” and I did. He placed it on my engagement finger, took the blindfold off, and asked, “Would you marry me?”

He didn’t finish asking the question when I said yes. We hugged. We kissed. He played with my ‘nyash,’ and I allowed it. He touched my chest, and I didn’t question him. He asked, “Does this score me a three-point?” I happily said it did.

Hmmm. That night I nearly gave it all away. I allowed him to do everything, but when it got to the point of entry, I said no. He said, “We are getting married in a few months, so what’s there to keep again?”

How he said it weakened my resistance and made me yearn to do it, but I replied, “It means in a few months’ time, you can ask me to pay what I owe, and there won’t be any resistance.”

He was very disappointed. It was the very first time I had seen him behave that way. He went quiet, faced the wall, and slept. I tried to revive his spirit with jokes and sweet talk, but it didn’t work out. He slept and left me hanging. All night, I was talking to myself. “I’ve given it to people who didn’t even deserve to hold my hands. What’s wrong if I give it to him? He has bought me a ring. Those I gave in to—did any of them even buy me a fake one?”

If he had come to ask again, I would have allowed him to do it, but he was so down and disappointed that he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I apologized for treating him that way. I said sorry, thinking it would make him try again, but he didn’t.

I left on Sunday evening. I called to tell him I had reached. In the morning, I called to tell him how my day was going to go. His response wasn’t that good, but I knew with time he would come around. One week. Two weeks. Three weeks. Not much changed. He was still a cloudy sky.

Then I had a call from a lady who identified herself as Edwina. She said, “Bright said I should meet you and collect the ring.” I asked, “Bright? Ring? What ring?” She answered, “He took it from me. He said he gave it to you to be given to me.”

I was like, “Bright didn’t give me any ring to be given to you, or he forgot to give it to me. Let me call him.”

He said, “Yeah, the one you’re wearing. It’s for her, so let her have it.” Very straightforward and cold. I asked if he was serious, and he said he wouldn’t joke about something like that. I said, “Then come for it yourself.”

What Nobody Tells You About Divorce

Days later, he was standing in front of me, asking me to give him back the ring. I did, without hesitation. He thanked me and turned around and left—so cold and without a word. I was shocked, like it was a dream. But why would he do that? I asked myself. I waited to hear from him, but when he didn’t call, I got the message. Nonetheless, I called to hear it from him. He didn’t go straight to the point. All he said was, “Maybe those you gave it to were better than me, and that’s fine.”

It still hurt, though we were not intimately engaged. It hurt just as badly as it did with those I gave in to. Now I don’t know what’s true and what’s worth it. They’ll still go regardless, and it will still hurt regardless, so what do we do?

—Natasha 

This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too. Email it to us at [email protected]. You can also drop your number and we will call you so you tell us your story.

******