I am a thirty-two-year-old man who has been through a lot to be where I am today. I would not call myself sufficient although I am gainfully employed in one of the biggest public institutions in Ghana. I suppose my love life is where I don’t have it all. It’s not that I don’t have a woman in my life. I do have someone. Her name is Ann.
I met her when I completed my National Service in the Upper West Region in 2018 and returned to Kumasi to live with my parents while I looked for a job. By some divine providence, I got employed and have been working for the past four years. Anne and I were so much in love that we started dating four months after we met. She was there with me when I had nothing and I am happy she is still with me now. She embodies the definition of beauty that is inside-out.
Ann is twenty-seven and she also has a good job. Our love has been a roller coaster ride. The highs are really beautiful and the lows are terrifying. Most of our problems have to do with Ann’s principles. She believes only in the things that she upholds, and holds her views as sacred. She is not someone who tolerates divergent views. I, on the other hand, am a very tolerant person. So I make room for her. However, it gets hard sometimes. I just wish she would be willing to bend just a little when it comes to certain things.
We have had misunderstandings because of her trust issues. It’s usually bad because she always believes her insecurities are facts. It has made our time together tumultuous. One thing that makes me hold on is the good times we’ve also had. I think of the jokes we shared, the smiles we put on each other’s faces, the intimacy, and the joy we have shared. It is an incredible feeling when things are good between us. This is why I love her so much.
Of all the things she does, the one I cannot put up with is her ability to shut down all conversations regarding our future. She doesn’t want us to talk about the way we would achieve our dreams as a couple. She wouldn’t talk about the kind of future we want to have with each other and the commitments we would have to put into play to achieve it. I believe that relationships must have a goal, and achievable targets so that we can grow together. After all the scripture says, “Two cannot walk together unless they agree.”
So recently, I started yet another conversation about our future. She tried to avoid it but I pushed. We started talking nicely and she was agreeable until she asked me one question. “Would you want your woman to support you financially when you get married?” That was the question. I answered, “I believe the man should be the provider of the household but it will be helpful if his wife assists him.”
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After hearing my response, Anne made it clear to me that she won’t marry a man who thinks she should play a part in taking up expenses in the house. She said that a man must be prepared to take full responsibility for the household before he gets married. Further, she gave some examples of men who agreed to bear all the expenses of their families only to get bitter when they start having financial problems and their wives don’t pitch in. This is where I don’t get her. Why wouldn’t a woman support her husband when he is having financial problems? Didn’t the Bible say the two shall become one? Or it doesn’t apply when it comes to money?
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Contrary to Ann’s beliefs, I believe that the woman is the man’s helper. I believe that the woman should fill up for the man where he is inadequate or even lacks. That is not to mean I would relent in my responsibilities as a husband. No. No. No.
Is it wrong for me to tell her that, since I will be on my own when we marry one day, I will no longer take financial responsibility for her in our dating stage, so I can save money for all future expenses?
Ever since I made that statement she has been avoiding me. Is that her way of saying she is no longer interested in me? Our expectations when it comes to marriage are completely parallel. It makes me wonder if I should walk away now and save myself the trouble that awaits me should I marry her. However, I love her so much that I am willing to work extra hard to give her everything she wants when we get married. I can bear all the responsibilities if only she assures me that when things go bad, she will have my back. But here lies the case where she is not ready to lift a finger for me. That is not okay, is it?
—Dari
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And while you are using your money to take care of the household, what will she be doing well her income? Looks like you are not part of her future plans, clearly.
Love but do not neglect wisdom cos love alone is not enough in 21st century.
How can she say she loves you but when u got stack as hubby, she can’t step in for you?
You two are currently in a relationship and you do support her money vise. Why can’t her reciprocate same when you guys settle as husband and wife??
Low key red flag be that. Think deep brother.
🚩🚩🚩Red flag loading.
Brother, look sharp
Red flag, I believe every woman have to support their men no matter how small to make the marriage work. Save yourself the stress
My money is my money
Your money is our money.
That’s not okay.
What are you going to do when your kid is sick and you don’t have the money but she can pay for the medical bills but tells you that it’s the man’s duty to provide?
Am sure after getting married to her you will be here for another advice, if she is willing to change fine if not you are in the relationship alone
What is love without sharing, caring and helping each other
And who said is only the man’s responsibility to take care of the home
It’s a pity some ladies think so
C’mon man that’s a huge red flag right there! What’s the point of marriage where one person does all the heavy lifting whilst the other sits and watch. She is also standoff-is which isn’t a good attribute. She will walk over you in your marriage.
Marriage is supposed to be between two people who agree. The fact that you believe she should support you doesn’t mean she must believe what you believe. It’s the same as you refusing to believe in what she believes. many women believe they should support their men yet you also don’t like them because of perhaps how they look. Now listen young man.
1. Women set rules for men they don’t like and bend those rules for those they like.
2. If a woman tells you they can’t marry a man like you, in terms of your looks, financial status, and beliefs, accept those statements 100%. She is directly telling you she can’t marry you. Simple.
3. The woman has already left you in this relationship. Your love for her won’t change anything. You are bent on marrying her to please your feelings. Those same feelings will disappoint you after marriage.
4. change is hard and very unpleasant. Stop forcing people to change to accept you. You equally have the right to change and leave them if you don’t have the same mentality.
In this time and age, marriage thrives on shared responsibilities. It is the duty of the two people to make the marriage work. I’ve been married for a while ( 5years). Marriage goes through season, at one point a man has more capacity to provide financially and at one point a woman has.
A woman who is not ready or willing to support her man financially is a big red flag right from the beginning.
So what will you do if you’re incapacitated financially??
Does that mean she’ll abandon you??
Love alone is not enough to sustain a marriage. May wisdom guide your decisions.